Almost Clark (Chapter Sixteen)

Spoilers for Hidden, Reckoning. Some minor mentions of others between, but nothing huge.

Chapter Sixteen

It had been the most harrowing day of her life. And that was really saying something.

She supposed she'd been in worse situations, but she'd never seen things like this, done things like that. The sequence of events played out in her head over and over like some gory movie.

Clark fell to the ground, blood blossoming over his blue shirt.

Gabriel fell to the floor at her feet, stiff with shock and grief.

And she'd killed him.

Even then, all she could think of was Clark. Dead. It almost made her give up. Why stop the launch? Why bother? Wasn't no town at all better than a town without... She shook her head, ambling up the path to the barn. Luckily, she wasn't that selfish in the end. And, though she failed to stop the launch, someone else succeeded in stopping the missile. Someone who was supposedly dead.

She looked up at the light in the loft. Lana had called her, crying tears of joy that Clark was alive. She was happy. And hurt. Hurt that he didn't come to her, show her he was okay. It was she who always stood beside him, working with him, trying to stop whatever new horror plagued Smallville. But, no matter what she did, she was still just an afterthought to him.

They'd slept together. He and Lana. No one had to tell her. She was sure she even felt the moment it happened. It was before all the mess with Gabriel. It wasn't anything specific. She'd been putting a blanket over her father where he'd fallen asleep to the news. And she'd stopped, a deep, keening moan leaving her. She'd stuffed her fist to her mouth and ran to the bathroom and into her tub, crouching at the bottom, her soft sobs echoing around her. And it was no mystery why. Somewhere across town, he was inside her. And Chloe's emptiness was now complete.

It was almost cathartic, though. Knowing it had happened sealed things closed. She was free to accept it. To embrace her role as his sidekick, secret keeper, confidant. Never lover. Not again.

She pasted on a smile as she climbed the steps. It was not the time for bitterness. He was alive. And that had to be enough.

She stopped at the landing. "When Kansas didn't merge with Oklahoma today, I kinda guessed you were involved."

Clark looked up. "Looks like you're okay."

She swallowed the bitterness. She'd just have to get used to being an afterthought. Now that he was with Lana, her role would be even more limited. "You don't look too bad, yourself. For a dead guy. I heard what happened at the hospital. You went and got your powers back, didn't you"

Clark glared at the floor. "I didn't have a choice."

She nodded. Yes, she knew how he hated that, surrendering to destiny. "I know how much you dream of having a bland, generic, mundane life. Being normal is highly overrated." She brightened her voice forcibly. "And besides, it makes my whole sidekick role easier if you can bring super duper strength to the table," she babbled, hoping she sounded so very casual about it. "I mean, not that we didn't make a great team out there today and minus the whole part where I was kidnapped and you were shot." She took a deep breath. He was almost smiling. There. Almost done her job. She could go back to her corner soon. "So, are you healing or how does that work exactly?"

He lifted up his shirt. She crept closer. "Wow." She let her hand run over the smooth skin where there must have been a wound. She was assaulted at once, both with images of the blood, so stark against his shirt, and this same hand and this same chest- only it seemed a lifetime ago. "Unscathed on the surface," she breathed, pulling her hand away reluctantly. She wanted him to look at her, recognize the familiarity of this moment. Pull her to the floor and show her they were alive. She fisted her hand at her side. That wasn't what she was here for. She was here to make it better. "That's not what's going on underneath, is it, Clark?"

He sighed and pulled his shirt down. Her eyes were bereft at the loss. "I guess I never will be able to escape who I really am. Back to the lies and hoping no one will ever ask to see the scar."

No one? She knew who he meant by that. And she refused to pretend she didn't any longer. He may not have wanted to tell her face her, but she'd make sure he knew that she knew. "Namely Lana."

He squirmed in his seat before getting up. "We've never talked about Lana--"

That's because I'm an afterthought. "That's because we don't have to, Clark," she lied. "I'm a big girl now." He still wasn't looking at her. She should have been the first person he told, not the last. And she was sure he was all too aware of it, not that he'd ever admit to why. "I do have one confession," she began softly. "I really liked being the only one who knew about, you know, you. For lack of a cheesier word, it just made it special."

He finally held her gaze. Yes. Look at me. See me. See us. He turned away again. She let her eyes drop to the floor. Maybe that was getting too close to the truth for him. She cleared her throat and bucked up for sidekick duty. "But if you honestly believe you can stay with Lana and not tell her, I think you're seriously kidding yourself."

"I don't have a choice," he said. "I can't expect her to react like you did."

She'd be flattered if it wasn't so ridiculous. Lana wasn't judgmental or heartless. She'd probably have an easier time accepting Clark than Chloe had -- not having all that extra baggage of wild sex with his other half. She crossed to him, stepping in front. "But, don't you think you owe her the choice?"

"I can't take that risk."

She growled inside. For someone so strong, he sure was a coward. He'd been afraid to trust Chloe as well. But then, that was for a different reason. He was afraid to tell Lana because he was afraid she'd reject him. He didn't want to lose her. His fear with Chloe had been that she'd expose him. She wondered why, after all these years, he had no idea who she was.

"I've risked too much already," he was saying. "And now someone else is going to have to pay for it."

Her head snapped up. "Clark, is everything okay?" She searched his eyes. "What's going on?"

He stared off. "I never should have given up my powers. Why did I listen to him?" He turned to her. "Chloe, I think I've made a terrible mistake."

***************************

It had been months since that night.

She'd almost forgotten his words as they whispered fearfully in the loft, deep into the night.

His expression of horror as he told her about his unwitting deal with Jor-El that would take someone from him. At first, they'd both been constantly on their guard. She found herself stopping by the Kents if he wasn't home, ready to yell for him if one of his parents so much as sneezed.

She'd begun taking Lana around with her, forcing her out if Clark couldn't be with her. Or forcing her in with a movie. And always ready to yell, knowing Clark would hear, wherever she was.

Lois wasn't exactly precious to Clark, and vice versa, but she found herself watching her as well. You just never knew. It's not like Jor-El was the most hands-on father. How did he know who Clark might not want to lose?

She even found herself getting a physical, something she usually had to be dragged to. Because you just never knew. Clark might not suffer much if she was gone as opposed to his parents or Lana. But, deep down, something inside him would. She just knew it.

But things started to calm down.

Well, not calm down. There was just too much else to focus on. Mr Kent was running for state senate, Clark had found another guy with a hero complex as big as his (though of a more water-bound persuasion), Lois had briefly taken up stripping, Clark had gone on a paranoid rampage... It was just a little busy. Even more so for Chloe when, thanks to some bloodthirsty sorority vamps, she was now a full-fledged college intern at The Daily Planet.

And that was where she was now, staring at Clark with her jaw in her lap as he performed his own dramatic interpretation of Groundhog Day.

"No, I'm sorry.. we're all out of egg rolls," she said into the phone. She quickly hung up and dragged him into an empty office. "All right, McFly, do you wanna start with how, or why?"

Clark stared grimly at her. "Jor-El. I went to him to try to change things back."

She was flabbergasted. "Back to what?"

Clark took a deep breath and walked further into the room. "The first time around, I told Lana the truth about me." He looked down at her. "And I asked her to marry me."

Chloe was frozen and hardly had time to absorb it before her mouth started working. "What?! Wh.. Wha.. What did she say?"

"Yes."

"Oh my god." Chloe tried to make her mouth form something that wasn't a grimace. Then a new thought overtook her. What if she'd... over-reacted. "What.. wh.. what was my reaction?"

"A lot like that." She let out a huge breath as he paced the room, glad his focus wasn't on her. "But listen, it was a big mistake. Lex was chasing her on Route 40, and-"

"Clark..." She needed him to slow down. This was all too much and she could hardly get past shock.

"There was an accident," he went on. "I didn't get there in time."

Chloe was almost glad she couldn't get past shock, though. It left less room for what would come later. She focused on the story. Objectivity. Get the answers. "Why was Lex chasing Lana?"

"He figured out she knew my secret. That's why I've always been afraid to tell her."

So it wasn't that he was afraid of rejection. He didn't want Lana to get hurt. He didn't worry abut it much with Chloe. She was in harms way almost daily and he hardly... She shook her head, trying to focus. "Yeah, but Clark, this time you can warn her about Lex. This doesn't mean that you have to lie to her forever!" Maybe if Lana was his confidante, she could finally get out of this tangled mess. He'd asked her to marry him now. If that wasn't the nail in her coffin, she didn't know what was.

"Chloe, she knew for less than a day. There's always gonna be someone trying to find out about me and as long as we're together.. they're gonna be watching her every move."

Chloe let her thoughts drift away from the selfish place. If Lana could be in danger, they had to fix things. "Don't worry, Clark, we won't let her get anywhere near that road. Do you know exactly what time this is supposed to happen?"

"11:02," he said, glancing frantically at his watch. "But there's a problem... she's not talking to me right now. I was hoping that you would stay with her and make sure that-"

"Fate doesn't get second chance?" She nodded. "I won't leave her side."

***************************************

They'd been stupid.

Chloe watched from afar as Clark threw a clump of dirt on his father's grave.

They'd thought it was only about Lana. They'd never stopped to see the possibilities.

She shuddered, looking over to the car. Lois was waiting patiently for once. Chloe was grateful she waited. Chloe was grateful she was here at all. It was almost Lois. She was nearly electrocuted that night. But Death had just pulled a fake-out. Everyone was busy buzzing over the election, she was fussing over Lois, Clark was stopping the bus that would kill Lana... And Jonathon Kent was dying of heart-attack.

Martha Kent started past her. "Mrs. Kent," she began. "I'm... I'm so..."

Martha embraced her. "I know, Dear." She rubbed Chloe's arms. "Why don't you two come along to the house? I have lunch being brought in."

Chloe nodded. "In a minute."

As Martha walked off, Chloe's gaze went back to Clark. He was impervious to the cold. She imagined he'd stay as long as he needed to. She squinted at another black-clad shape to her right, also staring at Clark.

"Lana," she said, coming over. "How are you holding up?"

Lana didn't tear her eyes from Clark. "I just don't know what to do for him. I don't know what to say."

Chloe held her umbrella over the both of them. "You don't need to say anything. Just be there. He'll reach out when he's ready."

"I just... I feel like this is all my fault," she said, sniffling. "I didn't trust him and I said such... such awful..."

"Shhh!" Chloe dropped the umbrella and gathered her close. "This is not your fault. He had a heart problem and that's not anyone's fault."

"But who knows?" Lana said softly, still crying. "Any tiny change and he might have been okay."

Chloe stepped back, holding her by the arms. "Then it's my fault."

"No," Lana cried out.

"Hey. When Lois was hurt at The Talon, I could have called Mr. Kent to tell him." Chloe ducked her head, trying to get Lana to meet her eyes. "Any tiny thing, right?"

Lana looked at her tearily. Chloe had to admit, the girl was even perfect when she cried.

"A million tiny things lined up, Lana, and it led to this. There must be a reason." She glanced at the stone crosses and angels that surrounded them. "It's not up to us to find out what. We just have to make the most of our time on earth."

Lana nodded. "Thanks, Chloe," she said, her teeth chattering.

Chloe rubbed her arms. "Jesus, Lana. You'll get pneumonia." She steered her toward the car. Lana never did deal well with cold. "Why don't you get a ride to the house with Lois? I'll see if I can get Clark to join us."

Lana stopped and turned. "No, I'll..."

Chloe steered her firmly to the car. Lana was never exactly strong. "You won't be any good to Clark if you're stuck in bed for a week." Chloe stopped, thinking. "Or maybe you would." She turned a thoughtful gaze to Lana. "Ponder that one for me." She looked back. "For him."

Lana started protesting again as Chloe pushed her into the passenger side. "Chloe, really, I..."

"Lana, he's having a tough time and he might take some tough love better from someone who's just a friend." Like me, Chloe thought without a trace of self pity. She was done with that now. There were bigger things going on these days.

She walked away as the car drove off, reflecting on how death and grief put everything into perspective. Those feelings she had for Clark were something of the living. Was Jonathon Kent somewhere pining for a long-ago first love? Maybe he didn't think Martha was the one he belonged with at first. But they had a deep, abiding love up to his death. Clark might be her first love. But, hopefully, not the only one.

All she could do was be there for him as best she could for as long as she could. She was sure it would be a very long time. She'd never stop caring about him.

She came up next to him. "Chilly, huh?" He didn't answer. "You may be impervious to the cold, but I'm not. Want to get out of here? Your mother's waiting."

"You can ride with her."

"She went back to the house." Chloe shivered. "And I guess that means there are no further vehicles to carry me thither." She peeked to see if he cracked even a smile at her use of Elizabethan English.

"It's my fault," he said dully.

"That seems to be a continuing echo around here."

"But it is."

"Why?" She stepped closer. "Because you saved Lana? Clark, you couldn't have known."

"But his heart condition..."

"Clark, how could you..."

"It was because of me." He stared hard into the grave. "When I went to Metropolis, Jor-El gave him the power to bring me back. But afterwards... His heart couldn't hold up after what his body had been through."

"That's when he got sick," Chloe said softly.

Clark nodded. "Every awful thing that's happened here is because I came, dragging kryptonite behind me. This town would have been better off if I'd never..."

"No, Clark." Chloe grasped his arm. "Think of all the lives you've saved."

"Lives that were in danger because of kryptonite."

"Not all of them," Chloe insisted. "you know that." He wouldn't look at her. "Okay. Think of all the lives you will save." He finally looked down at her. "There are more dangers than Kryptonite in this world, Clark. When someone has the power that you do... Well, you can't be everywhere at once. But I know this." She smiled. "More people will live and be safe, Clark, because you were put on this earth."

He stared at her, as if afraid to believe her words, afraid to take comfort from them. He finally hugged her close. "Thank you, Chloe."

"Anytime, big guy." She pulled away, sniffling. "Now can we get out of here?" She rubbed her arms. "I'm about to turn into a popsicle."

He almost smiled. And that was enough. "We don't have a car."

"Who needs a car?" She put her arms around his neck. "Hoist me up, big guy. I want to travel the Clark Kent Express."

He did smile, though it was small. He put one arm at her back and the other under her legs. And she wondered why the only time she got this close to Clark Kent was when she was freezing to death. It made it hard to enjoy it. She burrowed her face into his coat, feeling his heartbeat against her cheek. "Hold on," he said in a strangled voice.

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Chapter Seventeen