Almost Lois (Chapter Sixteen)

"I don't like who I've become. Sometimes I think I've just turned into this hard shell. And everything seems so shiny and new on the outside. But inside, I'm still this mess. I've always wondered if, with what I've seen and done and been, if I could ever be happy again. And, I... I don't think I can." She looked at the ceiling, feeling the couch beneath her, her tears seeped down the side of her face to her ears. "I'm stupid if I think I can just work, just have my job and it will be enough. I want... no. I need help." She laughed sadly. "Lately, I've had trouble asking for help, but you... You never stopped offering. I want you to help me now." She looked up at him, wondering if it was too late to take him up.

She thought of the letters. One she'd faxed, the other she'd put in the mailbox on her way. He had to say yes. Her decision had been made.

Kevin Grady sat on the coffee table at her side. "I want to help you."

She sniffled and smiled at him. "Okay. So... How does this work? Do you just grab at them?"

He took her hand. "It helps if you talk. I don't want you to lose what matters. I want you to lose what hurts."

She let out a sob. "Where do I start?"

*****************************

"I understand where you're coming from, Clark. But I don't think it's a good idea."

He held out the letter again. "Mom, she loves me. The person who wrote this letter wouldn't just stop."

"But, Sweetie..." She reached across the table and took his hand. "She can't just turn around like all of this never happened. If you think a date is going to wipe it all away..."

"No, I'm not stupid. Just... It's a start. A fresh start." He stood and paced to the window. "When I came back at Ruby Ridge, I... Nothing seemed to matter. Jor-El's words and training kept echoing in my head and I thought... Well, it just seemed like the only thing that mattered was the work. I looked at her and I thought that she was not something I could have now. Now that I knew fully what I was and what my life would be, I just... I thought she'd be better off without me." He looked back at his mother. "I thought the same thing when I came back for good. I mean, I had a mission and I couldn't have... things I wanted. But you're right, Mom." He crouched by her side and took her hand. "Am I just going to be able to fly around saving people without a life? What's the point of saving a world where you have nothing? Is that a life?"

She touched his face. "No, Honey."

He smiled. "Look at Ollie and A.C. They have to exist in the real world sometimes. I may be Kal-El, but I'm also Clark Kent. And Clark needs something more. I need you and I need friends and I need... I need her. Chloe, Lois... The name doesn't matter. It's her. God, I just..." He stood and shook his head. "I want to protect her and help her just like always. And I kept thinking I could do that without letting myself love her."

Martha covered her mouth and he saw tears in her eyes. "Oh, Clark."

"I love her and I'll win her back, Mom. I don't care if it takes years. Someday, she'll be part of our family. I know it."

"Clark, I just... I want you to be right. But knowing what I know... Are you sure it's not too late?"

He took a deep breath. "I hope not." He crouched by her again. "Mom, here's the hard part."

Her eyes widened. "Yes, Honey?"

"Can I borrow some money for a date?"

She laughed. "Clark..."

*****************************************

She wasn't there. She wasn't answering her bell. He'd chanced a float up, but no one was home. Where would she have to be at ten on a Sunday night? People had gone in. He could have followed them. But he wouldn't invade her space, even as far as the hall. He'd just give her the option of letting him in... or of coming with him.

He stood outside her building, a stupid corsage in his hand. The truck was parked right next to him. He could recreate the event. It would be the spring formal... almost. But this time, he'd stay. He pulled at his tie. His mom always said he looked good in suits. He just hoped he looked good enough. He pulled at the glasses. Off or on?

On, he decided, remembering the day in Oliver's study when she'd said horn-rims were sexy. But there would be no sex. He clenched his fists, thinking of that day. He'd been an animal and she'd still accepted him. And what had he done? Flew off to Kansas. All because he'd thought he couldn't have her. He didn't deserve her, that was clear. But he would. He'd wait. Even if she said no tonight, he'd wait. He'd do all the great things she'd always believed he could. Maybe, then, she'd see he was serious.

It was an hour before a cab pulled up. He stood in the shadows to the side of her steps and watched her get out. She was wearing the "I heart Metropolis" shirt he'd given her and some yoga pants that had seen better days. Somehow, he thought she'd be wearing a pink dress and glitter in her hair. It didn't matter what she wore. Tonight was about her.

He stepped forward as she climbed her steps, keys jingling in her hand. She hadn't seen him. He stood at the bottom of her steps and put the corsage behind his back. "Lois?"

She whirled around and stared at him. "Yes?"

"I... uh. I don't know where to start. I... You..." He shook his head and laughed nervously. "I'm not good with words. You were always the..."

"Excuse me? Do I know you?" She was looking at him with a crinkle between her brows and he stepped back.

"Um... Okay. Maybe I deserved that." He smiled. "I want to talk."

"Really?" She stepped down a few steps, her hand in her purse.

"Yeah. If we just..."

Her hand suddenly came out with a can of pepper spray. She held it in front of his face. "I don't know how you know my name, but you better clear off now, you..." She looked him up and down. "Weirdo," she finished.

"But Lois..."

"Is this a joke? I mean some kind of..." She looked him up and down again. "Male escort thing?" She laughed. "Oh, I get it." She leaned down. "Was it Linda? Well, you just tell her I'm just fine." She shook her head and put the pepper spray in her purse and shook her head, laughing again. "Very funny, though. And the glasses are a cute touch."

She turned back and climbed the steps and he watched her, the corsage falling from his hands, the plastic box scraping the ground behind him. He wondered how she could walk with his heart under her feet.

Previous Chapter

Chapter Seventeen