Spoilers for Tomb, Hypnotic, Fade
We've now caught up with the prologue, so I'll repeat it.
Chapter Eighteen
He moved over her, his eyes closed, his breathing harsh. He'd come to her twice this week. The worst part was that she let him. She welcomed him and his rough hands and his harsh voice and his wicked words. In fact, she craved all of it. She craved it as much as she hated it. But she couldn't get by without it.
"I hate you," she panted, even as the violent clenching and soft ripples of her orgasm washed over her.
"I know," he growled, smiling cruelly as a lock of brown hair fell into the sky-blue of his eyes.
No. Not blue. Red, she amended. As red as the shirt he'd torn from her body as she lay desperate on the floor of her apartment above the Talon. The apartment that was Lana's once. Lana, who she betrayed whenever the opportunity arose.
"I hate you," she repeated as he collapsed on top of her, breathing heavily.
"Yeah. You said that." He rolled off her and away.
"I hate me," she whispered, more to herself. Because it was true. But even that couldn't make her stop.
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"'Smallville Serial Killer Commits Suicide,' by Ted Bittleman. I can't even get a by-line when I'm a part of the story."
"Well, I'm just glad you're not part of the obituaries," Clark said.
Chloe smiled half-heartedly. "Yeah, or wearing a strait jacket at Belle Reve." She stared at the stark white bandages on her wrists.
"I'd never let that happen," he said, a warm look in his eyes.
She believed him. She remembered him speeding away to Lois' apartment, holding on to her tight. She cleared her throat, which suddenly felt like something was stuck in it. "You know, I...had a couple moments there where I actually thought I was losing my mind. I mean, I understand how Gretchen's spirit was released and all that, but... why was I the only one that could see her? I mean, why did she choose me?"
"Maybe because you care more about other people than anyone else I know." He was still giving her that look. It was very disconcerting. There was something in that look that told her Kal would find her tonight.
She shook her head and walked a little away. Of course Dead Girl Lost had found her. She was nuts. She was willingly having a torrid affair with an alien's alter ego. "Or maybe there really is something wrong with me, like my mother."
"What is wrong with your mother, exactly?" he asked.
"I don't know. I mean, she left when I was 12, so that was before... I don't know."
"But you do know where she is," he prodded.
"Yeah," she said quietly.
"Why haven't you been to see her?"
"Well, because, um..." She sighed. "Because I'm afraid. I mean, what if I look into her eyes and I see myself?" Hereditary. It could easily happen. Maybe it was already started. Her life was clearly not normal.
She turned her attention back to Clark. "What if you wait too long and you never get the chance to look into her eyes again?" he was saying. She automatically felt a pang of guilt. He would know. "She's your mother" he went on. "She always will be. It's not gonna change, no matter what."
And she saw her. And it was almost more than she could handle after all these years. She spent an hour, just staring into eyes as green as her own, crying as her mother stared back almost pleasantly, but with no recognition.
That night, he found her outside her dorm, holding a sleeping bag. She'd known he'd come. It was a warm, balmy kind of spring night and he sped them to Crater Lake.
They made love wordlessly.
They made love.
Perhaps she shouldn't think of it in those terms. But there was something in the way he touched her, just a little gentler than any other time. There was something in all he didn't say. Sometimes, she felt all she and Clark did was talk endlessly. There was something to be said for new ways of communication.
When Kal ran his lips over her eyelids, that said something. She answered.
"I'm alright," she whispered. "I am."
He didn't answer with words, only stroked inside her, softer and slower than ever before.
That said something, too. She couldn't assign exact words to it. She was nearly afraid to. She was afraid to hope.
He didn't say a word until just before she fell into a dreamless sleep. It was so soft, though, she almost thought she'd imagined it. "Don't leave. Never."
It was nearly light when she woke up in front of her dorm, cradled against him, the words still echoing in her head. He didn't repeat them, though. He just steered her sleepy body to the door, pressing the sleeping bag into her arms before speeding off.
She'd told Lana she was taking the bag so she could catch some sleep at The Planet. She'd lied a lot these last few weeks. And it was weighing on her.
Even that hope she swore she didn't feel weighed on her.
Because how dare she feel it as she crept into her room, as Lana slept across from her.
Just... how dare she.
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"Okay. The moral of the story is never gaze into the eyes of a seductive woman wearing a gemstone around her neck unless, of course, her name is Lana Lang." She'd wanted to be mad. Not so much at Clark, but Kal. But she knew neither of them had been in control. "Have you talked to her yet?" she asked. meaning Lana. Lana had, after all, seen him in action with the tramp. "You guys kiss and make up?"
He didn't say a word. "You haven't talked to her, have you?" she asked, but she knew the answer. "No. What are you waiting for? I mean, she knows that you were hypnotized. Every single one of us has gone through some sort of an identity crisis at one point. It's like a rite of passage in Smallville. She'll understand."
She wondered how understanding Lana would be about the two of them. But that was a stupid thing to wonder. She'd be crushed. Chloe had never thought she could be this much of a villain. She was worse than that tramp.
"Maybe I don't want her to understand," he said sharply, then calmed down. "See, as horrible as all this was it did accomplish one thing that I didn't have the guts to do myself. It broke me and Lana up."
"What?" Chloe's disbelief was mingled with a strange sort of elation. "Wait a minute. Are you still hypno'd?"
"Chloe, how many times can I break someone's heart before it crumbles?"
A couple million, Chloe thought. I'd know. She squared her shoulders, pushing the hope away. "Yeah, but it wasn't your fault. You were hypnotized." And he obviously still loved Lana. Chloe wondered if she'd ever get the strength to refuse him. The guilt was almost a tangible lump in her chest.
"Lana wasn't. Chloe, her feelings were real. The look of pain in her eye when she walked in on Simone and I... It made me realize that my power to hurt Lana is stronger than all my powers put together."
"Meeting a girl with hocus-pocus jewelry isn't an everyday occurrence." Of course, wearing it yourself, on the other hand...
"Yeah, but hurting Lana has become one. And as long as I have to lie to her about who I am, I'm gonna cause her pain."
"And as long as you don't set the record straight, she's gonna hate you," Chloe pointed out.
"Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Maybe it'll help her move on, forget I ever existed and find someone who can give her what she deserves."
Chloe hated herself, but she was glad. Glad they were over. The guilt would lessen. She'd feel almost free to be with Kal. "You just need to know that if you do this that's it, game over, there's no more."
It was a message to Kal, too. And she hoped he got it. If Clark went back to Lana, she'd be done with him. So he couldn't do it. Could never go back. She wouldn't survive it again.
She wouldn't be this person again.
**************************************
"It's funny," Kal said, stroking her hip absently. "It was like I could see myself saying things, doing things. But I had no power to stop it. I was powerless." He let out a small laugh. "Now I know how Clark must feel."
She didn't comment as she burrowed into his warmth. The both of them were blind. Clark wasn't powerless inside Kal anymore than Kal was powerless inside Clark. Kal had the power to have Clark in the necklace and inside her when Clark's resolve weakened. And Clark had the power to take the necklace away when Kal was sated. And the more he wore the necklace, the more the two came together.
She'd seen shades of Kal in Clark and vice versa. She wondered if the two would ever just... merge?
Still, her mind wasn't free of Lana. Lana had driven Clark again. He mourned his loss and Kal assuaged his body. It was always the way.
***************************************
"Congratulations on your first front-page byline," Clark said, almost bitterly.
"Yeah, and you deserve all the credit," she said, trying to coax a smile out of him.
"Or the blame." He was determined to be miserable. "If saving strangers ends up getting other people killed, I'm not sure it's that business I wanna be in."
"Do you really have a choice?" she asked. "I mean I'm nowhere near super but if I see someone drowning, I'm gonna throw them a rope."
"And what if that person's a killer, Chloe? What if the world would actually be better off without them?"
"That's still-- That's not your choice to make. I mean, ask a doctor, or a firefighter or anyone in the hero business. You save first and you ask questions later."
"Guess you're right," he sighed. "It's just not always that easy."
"Especially when the person you're saving is Lex Luthor," she sneered. She knew Lana was on the rebound. But Lex? He was... Lex.
"I should never have questioned your friendship."
"You were angry. And I understand." But how could she have told him about them? "I mean It's not exactly a walk in the park to see the person you love in the arms of someone else." Take it from me.
"Of all the people in the world, why Lex?"
Her thoughts exactly. She shrugged. "Just like you can't pick and choose the people you save. You can't control who your ex-girlfriend dates. That's the way it is."
"You have no idea how hard it was to see them like that. It's like I couldn't breathe."
Chloe had more than an idea how he felt. She'd lived it all this time. "I'm sorry you had to find out that way. I know how much it must have hurt." Oh, how she knew. "But you know, Lana's moved on. Maybe it's time you started doing the same thing." Please, she begged silently. She's not right for you. She never was. You need someone stronger, someone who understands you, who can stand by your side as you grow into the man you can be.
She couldn't lie to herself anymore. She wanted him and for the long haul. If Lana had moved on, there were no more excuses. She shared his secret. Deep in the night, she shared his bed. And maybe it was time to admit, at least to herself, that she couldn't be satisfied with her role in his life anymore.
****************************************
She opened her copy of T.S. Elliot: Complete Poems and Plays. It was well-worn enough that it always opened to her favorite poem and she couldn't resist a look.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: ‘I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all’—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: ‘That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.’
It seemed as if the poem summed up everything she felt. The dark loneliness and numbness sometimes, the over-whelming insecurity, the need to tell him, the horror at how casually he could reject her, even had.
She reached the last page of the book and pulled out a crumpled, tear-stained pink paper, rescued from a trash can so long ago.
Dear Clark,
I want to let you in on a secret. I’m not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin, I’m surprised you haven’t seen right through me.
I’m the girl of your dreams masquerading as your bestfriend. Sometimes I want to rip off this facade like I did at the Spring formal, but I can’t. Because you’ll get scared and you’ll run away again. So I decided it’s better to live with a lie than expose my true feelings.
My dad told me there are two types of girls—the ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I’m the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I’ll let you go for now, hoping one day you’ll fly back to me, because I think you’re worth the wait.
Chloe
It had been written years ago, but it was still true. She put it back, wondering if she'd ever give it to him.
She shuffled to her bed and lay down, waiting. Lana was off with Lex, but she'd be back. He'd come for her. She knew it. And she had a hundred dollar bill just burning a hole in her pocket. She was tired of cars and open air. She wanted him in a bed. A big one with plenty of room. He'd need it tonight. Clark was pissed. That meant Kal was at least edgy.
There wasn't even a knock on her door. It flew open and she was lifted to him. His mouth was on hers before she could speak. It was almost a minute before he came up for air.
"Where?" he panted.
She dug the money from her pants. "A motel."
"Mmm, Sugarmama," he murmured, biting her earlobe lightly. "But why go mo? We could go ho."
She giggled. "Yeah, sure. A hundred'll get you really far in this town."
He scooped her up, grinning. "We won't have to pay. We can just... sneak right in."
Her mouth fell open. "That's... that's nearly criminal." And very tempting.
He pulled her closer. "Hardly. You just find a place that's closed for the season."
"In Metropolis? There is no season. It's just..."
"In Maine," he said, raising his eyebrows.
"Mmm." She lifted her mouth to his. "I love it. A holiday weekend." She rubbed her nose against his. "Now put me down. I need to pack."
He groaned and released her. "What? Clothes?"
She hurriedly opened a drawer and pulled out a tiny, red negligee. "Clothes might not be the word," she said, tossing it to him.
It landed on his head. He held it away and swallowed hard. "Where's your suitcase?"
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Chapter Nineteen
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