There once was a girl... Then there wasn't.
But it's never something as simple as death. Never. Not in my life.
My life.
I use those words as if they mean anything. My life is about as true as that girl's death. Neither really exist.
So how do you go on? Do you go on at all? Do you keep up the illusion and go about your day because it's easier? Or does everything stop here and go backward somehow? But there is no going backward. Because, even if this life is a carefully crafted illusion, it's also... real. Happening in real time with real people around you who also might be so much more or less than they say.
So what do you do?
I guess you do go on. But not blindly. Not anymore.
Maybe you can't go backward, but you can know not to take the illusion at face value anymore. You can know to dig deeper and trust only you.
You're really all you have.
And more than you need.
There's two of you, after all.
**********************************
Clark watched Victor haul the snowmobile into the caves, all the way to the back. He took out his key and the wall absorbed it. "Thanks," he said, still struggling to keep his eyes open. He'd drifted off in Justice One on the way over, even with the noise, but it hadn't been enough.
Victor was staring at the wall as it opened. "Okay." He nodded. "Me and you are having a sit down. Because if I can carry around some crystal or weird-shaped piece of metal instead of plugging in every night, I mean... Shit. That would be life-changing." He hefted the snow mobile up again and brought it into the chamber. "So how exactly does this work?"
"I'm no scientist," Clark said, shrugging, "but the chambers fills with light and I get dropped in the Arctic."
"Yeah. You're right. You are no scientist." Victor rolled his eyes. "You sure this thing'll drop with you? And how far is this drop, anyway?
"It's not too far. I just can't be sure I can walk it. I'm stronger than when I was infected, but still... just..."
"Human?"
Clark shook his head. "Still Kryptonian, just scaled back." He sighed. "And getting back could be a problem, because this is kind of one-way and..."
"And Ollie is waiting in The Yukon with a jet." Victor sighed. "Brings me right back. Our first big gig." He smiled. "Remember how I destroyed the clone army?"
"I wasn't there for that part." He'd been with Chloe... and Lex.
Victor sighed again. "Damned things turned to dust, like vampires or something. It was a good time."
Clark patted his back. "You old softie." He stepped into the chamber.
"Hold up, there, Lone Wolf. I'm coming with."
"Victor, I can't be sure that the fortress will allow..."
"You can't be sure that the fortress will function. And I'm not about to let you freeze to death alone if that happens. I'm waiting outside." He patted the snowmobile. "If this thing craps out, then at least you have something that can get you out of there."
"Meaning you?"
"Hey, I was part of the Big Brothers program before I was robofied. I give a mean piggyback."
Clark paused. "Victor, I just don't know if..."
"What did I tell you about that lone hero shit? We are here, Clark. We're here to help you. Now just let us."
Clark smiled, clapping his shoulder and pulling him in. "I get to ride in front."
****************************
It wasn't the girl. She'd hoped it was and felt strangely uncomfortable to sit with the red-haired man. She was at a table. And her feet didn't touch the floor. That was strange.
"So... you like your pancakes well-done?" he asked, a sort of awkward smile on his face. It was a kitchen. She saw that now. And he was putting a plate in front of her, a plate of something nearly black.
"I want them the way mom makes them," she found herself saying. Her voice sounded small and petulant to her ears. "Mom never burns anything. She..."
"Honey, I'm trying." The man came close to her, but she pulled away. She didn't want to do that, Why was she doing that? "We have to just... get by with just us now."
"I want my mother," she growled.
She watched as he stared down at her, his eyes just like hers. She saw that before they squeezed shut. "You'll be late for school," he said, turning away.
"I don't care."
But she cared. She wanted to go to him, tell him she knew, she knew now. But she didn't move. She folded her arms, glaring at the burnt pancakes. And she didn't want to look at them. She wanted to look at him. But she didn't. She heard her petulant voice again. "It's your f..."
"...Phone." A hand was shaking her. "Lois, it's for you."
She rolled over, blinking at her cousin as she held out a phone. "Who is it?"
"Some guy," Linda yawned, dropping the phone on her. "Sounds pissed."
She groaned and put it to her ear. "Hi, Perry."
"Don't you hi me. It's after ten. I told you to get a shower and some sleep, not another paid vacation."
She sat up. "When have I taken a vacation?"
"How about the last two weeks?"
"You call that a vacation?"
"Sure. Nice house, nice neighborhood..."
"Macrame, Perry." She climbed over Linda and moved to the bathroom. "That and evil laboratories."
"Fine. Point taken. When are you coming in? Because I got your work-up into the morning edition, but what about tomorrow? Are we having interviews with the patients or..."
"I don't know yet. It depends on... five million things." She shook her head, still bleary. They needed to know when they could interview. They needed to know if they'd be interviewing fully aware people. And there was that side problem about her own identity crisis.
"Well, we need to plan this out. We need a plan A and B and I need my coffee!" Lois suspected the last bit was not for her. "And where's Clark?" Perry went on. "He's never late... except for all those times he is."
"He's..." God knows where? "He's pursuing other angles."
"What other angles?"
I wish I knew... I wish I knew a lot. "I'll let him tell you about it." And good luck with that, Clark. "I'll be there by eleven."
"You just better be," Perry said, hanging up.
She glanced back at her alarm clock, hoping she wasn't about to make a liar out of herself. It was only 10:05. Was that what Perry called "after ten?"
***********************************
"You sure you don't want me to..."
"I need to go in alone. My father is... He's not much for performing with an audience." Clark glanced toward the opening, shivering. Had it always been this cold here? Had it always been this cold everywhere? He'd never noticed before. He supposed it must have been cold last time, but he'd been so delirious with fever, he'd nearly been out of his body. He was in it now. He rubbed at his arms, nearly wishing he wasn't. The awareness of cold, of hungry, of tired.... So damned tired...
"Couldn't have got yourself a nice fortress in the Bahamas?" Victor didn't seem too happy with it, either. "Damned joints are gonna freeze right up."
"I won't be long," he said, moving in.
And he wouldn't. He'd just put it back, just to see.
He moved in, looking for the center, for the crystals that glowed. He was always led by that glow. But there was no glow now. The only light came from outside, through the crystals that made up the structure, lighting it only in patches and fragments. But he saw the center and he moved to it. Two crystals in the center and one hole on the left.
He pulled the crystal from his pocket, closing his eyes. "Please..." He heard the slight scrape as it slid home.
He waited silently.
Then he heard it. It was almost like a tape sped up, but he heard it.
"... not the impulse of a moment that guides the selection of a mate."
He'd heard this. Not all of it, but some. "Jor-El. I'm... I'm back."
The voice went on, slower now, almost ignoring him, as if on some previous train of thought that it wouldn't get off. "Many considerations should be taken in such endeavors, especially with one of human origin..."
"Jor-El!"
"I have considered this once, my son. Years ago, when..." The voice slowed even further. "...in my younger... years... I..." The voice stopped.
"Jor-El!" Clark waited for... something.
There was nothing. He was alone.
"Father?"
He'd known the voice in the fortress wasn't his father. Just a program. But he'd never felt it until now... missed it until now.
He stared down at the crystals, still so dark...
He turned and... he heard it. Faint humming.
He turned back. There was a glow, so faint he might not see it if he wasn't looking for it. "Father!"
Still nothing.
He took a deep breath, feeling the cold down to his bones. But there was light...
"I'll come back," he said, his words making puffs of steam in the air before him. He turned away. It was morning now. Lois might wonder where he was. To be honest, he thought he'd be flying back to her by now.
Instead, he walked, shivering.
Walked out of the fortress and into the snow where Victor waited.
He stood as Clark approached. "So... any luck?"
Clark shook his head. "Not exactly." But there was light. If there was light, there was hope. "We should get back," he said, blowing on his hands, then rubbing them together. "I need to get to work."
"On what?" Victor shook his head. "You got about no power and what are supposed to do about..."
"At my job, Victor."
"Oh, yeah. That." He shrugged and got back on the snowmobile. "Must suck having set nine to five."
"No. It doesn't," Clark said, realizing it even as he said it.
Superman may not have a job to do, but Clark Kent did. And that was something.
**********************************
On the one hand, she was just going to work. It was something any normal woman did on any normal Friday. On the other hand, nothing was normal.
She'd left Linda in the kitchen holding a spatula, saying she didn't have time for breakfast. She had to get to work. And she was glad of it. How could she sit there with them? They knew. They knew and they seemed to be bent on making sure she didn't.
"When we were younger," Lois had asked. "What did you think of me?"
"That's just silly. You were... like you are now," Linda had said, scraping eggs into a pan. "You were very nosy and inquisitive." She'd smiled and held a plate out, but Bart took it. "Hey! That's not for you!"
"It's fine," Lois had said quickly, turning to Bart. "Bart, when we met... I can't recall exactly when that was. Could you..."
"Oh, there was instant chemistry. You just didn't see it yet, with you were standing there with..." He looked over her shoulder. Lois didn't have to see it. He could sense he was looking at Linda. His smile just dropped as he put his plate on the table next to him. "I love eggs," he said suddenly. "If you think about it, it's the only yellow food. I mean, you could say cheese is yellow, but it's more orange, you know? But cheese has its good points, too." He seemed to look thoughtful. "You got any cheese?"
"You'd know better than I would," Lois had said, turning away from them. [i]Like with everything.[/i] Bart and Linda had been stocking her fridge and cabinets with all manner of things she never bought. When it was just her, there wasn't a veritable stock-pile of cheese curls. When there was just her, the silence was real, rather than manufactured and punctuated by awkward sighs.
It was as if there as an elephant in the room. No one acknowledged it was there, but there it was. She just never really thought it was all for her. Now, she saw it. So she went straight to work. In a way, it was like going back to a world she knew. She never felt that way at work, as if there were hushed voices around her.
And she wasn't sure she wanted those voices to speak up. She had a life. But inside her, there was another life. It was as if she'd lived twice. So many moments all tangled up together and she couldn't tell which was real. Her father had been away. That was why she didn't think of him so much. It was just that he was always gone. But she'd seen him, the man with the red hair. And he was there, too there. Even when she didn't want him to be, resented his very presence because he wasn't... "Mom?" her voice finished in the silence of her car.
She shook her head as she pulled into a parking spot under The Planet. No. This place was her life now. She didn't have to think about the rest of it. Because it was just about the story. Back to the job, only as good as her next story. And she had a story. Perry wanted to meet about just that. Her story.... Their story. But Clark... Clark was...
[i]More than he seemed. More than even Superman. He was...[i/]
Not here. And she still had a job.
She walked out into the street, then through the revolving doors and... She breathed. It was nice to take a breath in a world she knew. A world she trusted. She trusted The Planet. It was a place of truth. Maybe the only one.
She climbed the steps, ready to face Perry. Even without Clark here, she still knew all there was... about the project, that is. Her own life might be another story. But her own life might have to be put on the back burner.
And yet that didn't seem unfamiliar to her.
She walked in, seeing Doris, rifling through some files with a pen sticking out of her hair. She smiled as she approached her. Good, old Doris. It was nice to see someone that seemed to be what she was, nothing else but just nice, sweet...
"Doris," Lois sighed. "I didn't get to see you yesterday and..."
"You." Doris turned to her and shook her head. "For two weeks, you have put me through torture."
Lois stepped back. "Huh?" Had even good, old Doris turned on her?
"For two weeks, I have been having lunch with Rachel. Do you know what that's like?" Doris shook her head. "No. You don't. And I wish I didn't. The woman is a gossip columnist, you'd think she'd at least have something interesting to... Oh, hell." She suddenly found herself enfolded in scratchy wool and the smell of Aquanet. "Just don't go away for another year, at least."
"I..." Lois couldn't promise that. Couldn't promise much of anything with her mouth buried in a scratchy wool sweater. She pulled away. "I'll try not to," she finally finished, thinking it seemed more honest.
"Perry's going nuts. I can tell by the food he demands. All breads today." Doris took a deep breath. "And there's a woman here. She's been waiting about a half-hour in the break room."
"What woman?"
"She said her name was Pamela, but she wouldn't give a last name."
Lois rushed away from Doris. She couldn't believe it. She'd nearly forgotten about her, about Marcy...
"I told her you wouldn't be in till eleven, but she insisted on..."
She moved to the break room. "Pammie?"
Chapter Two
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