Clark sat across the kitchen table, just staring at his hands. His mother had made some lame excuse about making a phone call, giving him a helpless look. He supposed she did it to give them a chance to talk. That or she was hiding. The problem was it had now been five minutes of silence and he still didn't have anything to say.
"So..." He looked up. Her hair was long again. It had been over a year and a half since he'd seen her. She'd had shorter hair then. Maybe that was something to talk about. "You grew your hair...out."
"Yes," she said hurriedly. "With what I heard about Lex and his memory loss, I thought... Well, maybe I would be able to look like myself again. And maybe... just chance a visit." She looked down again.
Now that was something to talk about. "Lana, I don't see how this is a good idea. Memory loss or no, there are a million ways Lex could know who you were and for you to be around here isn't exactly safe, considering you aren't supposed to be alive. From old tabloids alone, he'd have many pictures and..."
"I'm keeping a low profile, Clark. I just... I wanted to see you." She smiled sadly. "So much has happened and I... I hate that I haven't been here. It's like we're strangers now."
We were always strangers. He didn't say it, though. They never really understood each other, secret or no. "Why now?" he finally asked. The question had been on the tip of his tongue all along, but he hadn't wanted to ask it, afraid it would sound confrontational, asking it right off.
"I... I just wanted to see what your life was like now." She toyed with her coffee cup. "I thought of coming when I first heard about Superman, but I was too afraid. But then I... This big story hit the news last week. It was just a blurb in Florida, but apparently, it had broke first at The Daily Planet." She glanced up. "By Lane and Kent and I thought... I know that guy. He's a reporter now. Wow. I guess I just wanted to see you for myself." She tilted her head. "How is Lois? I was actually kind of surprised, not only that you were... working at The Daily Planet, but about her. I thought she was more into The Inquisitor. Is Chloe still..."
"Lana..." Clark put his head in his hands. "You really have been away." He rubbed his eyes and looked up. "Look, I know you want to catch up and, now that you're here, there are probably a few things I should tell you. It's just... there's so much... too much to go into tonight. I don't think I can do this right now." He wasn't sure he could do this at all. But it would be wrong to keep her in the dark.
"I understand." Her voice hitched slightly and he felt like an a*shole.
"I'm not saying I... I don't want to catch up. I just can't do it tonight. I... have somewhere to be." That was true. The meeting wasn't for two hours, though. But how could he go into everything right now? "Maybe we can meet or..."
"That's fine," she said quickly. "I understand. The whole Superman thing..."
"Exactly," he said quickly. The meeting was more of a Clark thing, but he'd take the excuse -- and the unwitting reminder that Superman still had to patrol tonight. Superman couldn't just slack off because Clark Kent's life was hell.
He noticed she wasn't exactly standing up, so he did... so quickly his chair scraped back, the noise jarring in the silent kitchen. "I'll... uh... I'll call if you want to give me your..."
"You can just look me up." She stood as well, looking sort of... miserable. "I'm staying at The Grand."
"Lorna Leery?" He forced a smile.
She sighed. "Yeah. For now."
"I will," he said earnestly, moving closer. "I promise. It's just tonight..."
"I understand." She looked up at him, her eyes sort of moist. "I... I really do understand now."
He forced a smile again. "So... The Grand?" He found his eyebrows lifting. "Pretty pricey."
She smiled and glanced away. "Well, we do have a lot to catch up on."
"And we will. It's just..."
"Tonight's no good."
"Yeah."
"Got it." She suddenly smiled. "Well... It was good seeing you."
"You, too."
He started to put out his hand just as she started to lean upward, resulting in an awkward handshake/hug hybrid, a grasp of her wrist while she patted his shoulder. In the end, he just left it at that and moved to the door, holding it open for her.
A few awkward smiles later and she was gone. He took a deep breath and didn't fully let it out until he heard her car start. He stood there, staring at the door.
He really didn't have time for this right now.
He heard his mother behind him. "Clark... I heard a car..."
He turned from the door. "She left." He moved to the table and picked up their mugs, placing them carefully in the sink before he was temped to smash them. Smash anything. "I have to..."
"I know I left you down here," she said, before he could get another word out. "And I'm sorry. I just... I wasn't sure what to do. The last time I saw Lana was a propped up picture at her funeral and... To just see her now..." She shook her head. "I knew she was alive, but I didn't anticipate her coming back at all, let alone tonight and..."
"Mom...
"I didn't know how to react and I tried to call you, but it kept going right to voicemail and..."
He whirled on her. "Mom!"
"Yes, Honey?" She quickly sat down and folded her hands in her lap.
"I'm not mad at you," he said carefully. "I'm just... frustrated with the whole thing. This is too much. I'm still retraining and Jor-El's coming back to himself and..."
"Oh!" Martha tried a smile. "Well, that's good news. Did he say anything about..."
"Mom, for the millionth time, I'm not going away again!"
"Okay!" She put her hands up. "Just wondering."
He ran a hand over his face and paced back and forth. "I don't mean to snap. This is all just too... I have to go." He moved to the door.
"Clark, if you're upset, then just stay. We can talk it out or..."
"I... I have somewhere to be."
"Clark, you aren't training tonight. Just stay. We can get some dinner and just calm down and..."
"Mom, just stop," he said through gritted teeth. "I don't want to talk. Not now."
He moved out the kitchen door and stopped in the middle of the yard, looking up. What he wanted to do was fly. But he couldn't.
So he ran.
It wasn't the same as flying. Knowing he might get it back someday didn't help. He needed it now. He needed perspective. Being earthbound gave him nothing. He was too close to it all. He needed to look at all this from somewhere above, somewhere detached. Because he couldn't figure out what to do when it was all, possibly literally, weighing him down.
He might be stuck to the ground, but not literally. So he ran some more.
Somewhere around Nevada, he found himself in the middle of dry, empty land, nothing for miles and a rattlesnake striking at his heel. He rolled his eyes and stepped away. "Nice try, Buddy." It slithered off, probably with broken teeth, not that he could bring himself to care.
He sat down hard, a small cloud of dust rising around him. The sun was still out here, but it was probably dark in Metropolis by now.
He glanced at his watch. He still had an hour. So he stayed and wondered what it would be like to do it forever. Maybe he could build a hut. It would be really lonely and dead boring, not to mention an ugly place to live. But he wouldn't have problems because they would never find him here.
Two hours ago, he'd been fine. Now it was all just crashing down on him and he wondered what had changed.
"Lana," he said aloud.
That was the thing. One more problem on top of a heap of others. And though an ex visiting seemed kind of small on top of an identity crisis, trouble with his... not-girlfriend, the still-unsolved case of met Vista, and the threat that was Lex Luthor still hovering in the back of his mind, it still seemed huge. Why?
Because he couldn't help feeling as if there was something unfinished there. Something left in the middle of a corn field almost two years ago...
*************************
"That house, Clark, the cars and passports... There are two names. Lorna Leery and Carl Leery."
He drew back, confused. "You mean you..."
"I was going to come back for you all along. And now I have."
He shook his head. "You want me to..."
"Come with me," she whispered. "We have a home, we can get jobs. I have plenty of money."
"Lex's money," he said quietly.
"Does it matter?" She leaned up and pressed her lips to his. "Clark, I love you. I always have. And we can be happy."
"Lana, I... I've always..." His throat felt stuck together. He couldn't find the words. "I have work to do. I need to stop the projects- Ares and 33.1- People could be hurt. There are things I haven't told you. I..."
"It doesn't matter, Clark. The world's problems do not belong to you. Aren't you tired of saving everyone except yourself? We can have a normal, happy life with kids and little league and camping trips. Can't you see it?"
He could see it. It was what he'd always dreamed of. "Lana, there's more. My father... My real father. He'll call me and I'll have to go."
"Why?" she breathed.
"I just do. There's a destiny and I know that I have these gifts to help. There's a world that..."
"But why can't you help yourself? Help me? We are destined, Clark. We always have been. Can't you feel it?"
He looked deep into her eyes as she leaned up again, throwing her arms around his neck. He placed his around her waist. His mouth met hers.
He fitted it to hers once more, remembering all the years he wanted her. Not just her, but all she represented. A simple life. He kissed that goodbye, too, before he pulled back.
"Goodbye, Lana."
Her eyes opened, first hazy, then full of shock and hurt. "Clark?"
"I'm not judging you. I know that... Well, I know that this was what you thought you had to do." He shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe it was. But I can't live a lie." He looked back to the house, knowing Chloe was there. Waiting for him. "At least not anymore."
"It's not a lie if we make it true," she pleaded. "Maybe my name isn't Lorna, but... You... you're more than just Clark Kent, but you've lived this way for years and..."
"I'm not talking about the names, Lana. I'm talking about the fact that... Well, you're still married. That doesn't change with a name."
She stared up at him earnestly. "Clark, I was never married to him. Not deep down."
"Lana..." She wasn't making this easy. "It's not just that and you know it. Everything I told you about, all those problems..."
"They aren't your problems, Clark. There's just one of you and a whole world and it will kill you to keep fighting things that are too big for just... just one man." She stroked his cheek.
"That doesn't mean I'll stop trying." He pulled her hand away.
"Then do it in Florida. Somewhere else. Somewhere with me."
"Somewhere else..." He closed his eyes, knowing that there was no where else he wanted to be. He opened them and looked over her shoulder to the house again. And no one else he wanted to be here with. "Lana... Do I have to say it?"
She tilted her head, her eyes filling. "Say what?"
His mouth opened and closed several times. It was so hard to get it out. "All these years, after all we've been through, it's... It's like we've put so much into this that we'll never admit that..." He shook himself and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force out the words he'd hardly allowed himself to think. "It's never going to be... us."
She stumbled back, her eyes spilling over.
"I think that's why it's always been so hard," he went on, unable to stop hurting her now that he'd started. "It was never right."
"But it was. I remember times..."
"I do, too. I remember moments. There were always these little moments, but... over all, it was always never enough to stay together. You know that as well as I do. It was never... easy with us."
She dashed a hand over her cheeks. "Clark, you bring pretty complicated things into a relationship. You can't blame me for things I didn't know. I don't think it would be easy for anyone."
He glanced down. "It can be," he whispered. "When it's right." Whether Chloe knew his secret or not, she'd always stood by him without question. Even when he lied and she knew it. He had something that had always been right. He just couldn't bring himself to take it. He looked to the house again. He couldn't until he'd fixed the mess he'd made. But he was fixing it now, even if fixing it meant hurting Lana. He was finally facing the truth.
Maybe he'd be doing some taking tonight.
"Clark..." She was grasping his face, pulling it down to hers. "Clark, I know now. Now... Now it can be right. With us. With me. After all these years."
"Lana..."
"I will go, Clark, with or without you."
She was shaking. And he wanted to tell her that it wasn't her that he'd always wanted. It was the life she represented. Even now, looking at her, knowing he didn't want that life, she wasn't the same person. She was just a girl. Just a very pretty girl that he'd thought he'd loved. And he still loved that girl, but not in the way that he should. The life he wanted, the life he knew he was destined for... It wasn't her he saw with him.
He wasn't sure how to say it. That it was never her he wanted. So he stroked her hair one last time. It might always be the softest he'd ever felt. "Then go." He took a deep breath. "I'll help you pack."
She pulled abruptly away. "You know what? Don't." She took a shaky breath and stared around her. "I'll... I'll just send someone for my things. I'm not going back there with... her judging me."
"Lana, Chloe is..."
"That's what this is about, isn't it? She waited and she waited and you finally just... gave in, didn't you?"
"Lana, this isn't about Chloe." At least not all of it. "Don't you see that we never..."
"Clark, if you give me one more heartfelt speech, I'm going to scream. Just... Just let me go now while I still have some dignity." She turned on her heel and started walking away.
He let her.
*******************************
Clark grabbed a handful of dried, packed dirt and flung it. It wasn't satisfying. It just kind of puffed and floated back down to the ground.
Maybe he should have gone after her then, made it better somehow. Made it so that they parted in a way that was... smoother, cleaner, more pleasant. Then again, it was a break-up. A final acknowledgment that their on-again, off-again dance was over. He was still dancing, of course. Just with a new partner.
The one who hadn't been waiting for him at the house. The one he eventually found and left in a room in Maine. The one he came back for, only to leave again.
It made him wonder if this was any better. His idea of life with Lana was a young boy's fantasy. It looked peaceful, but it would never have made him happy. Her idea of life with him was the same thing. It wasn't what she really wanted. He had no idea what she really wanted, granted. A little crazy, considering how many years he pined for her. He'd wasted half his life running after a girl he didn't know.
It seemed he was always running after a girl. That or away.
Now it was Lois. A girl he knew better than she knew herself... and literally.
But there was a difference there. He knew... he just knew it could be so good. Not fantasy-good, but something real. Even not knowing who he'd been to her, she still challenged him and made him just a little better than he was.
As always.
He stood. He wouldn't be building a hut in the desert today or any day. It was a silly, childish idea anyway. He had to go back to the crazy because there was a girl inside Lois that was rolling her eyes at his idiocy.
But also because there was a chance, just a chance, that someday it might get better.
Previous Chapter
Chapter Twenty-Five
No comments:
Post a Comment