How We Got Here (Part Four)

Dealing with Checkmate and Hostage, mentions of Echo, Persuasion, Traveler, Kandor, Upgrade...

PART FOUR

December 21st, 2011

"I love your son! He's in danger and he needs our help!"

"Again," Clark said loudly, lifting his head as her voice faded.

"Jor-El! Out of all the planets across the universe, you decided to send your only son..."

"No. Too far back," he said impatiently.

"He's in danger and he needs our help!"

"No," he said, looking up. "Before that."

"I love your son!"

"Again," he said, swallowing hard.

"I love your son!"

Her voice seemed to linger, even when it was gone. But still...

"Again," he said, softer now.

"I love your son!"

He wondered what she meant by that. She'd said he was her BFF, said she needed him, even said she wanted him when she was young and infected with a parasite, but not this, not this way, not with this... intensity.

"Again?"

His head lifted at his father's voice. "Please," he said, his voice almost a whisper. But Jor-El heard and answered...

"I love your son!"

He could probably hear it a million times. Maybe he had by now. But it didn't tell him what he wanted to know. It couldn't. Chloe loved him... or she had then. Jor-El had told him she brought Kara to the fortress, so he knew the when of this. It was when Lionel had him trapped in a cage, when Patricia Swann was in town searching for The Traveler, when Chloe had got back together with Jimmy... again.

That was the part that made that floaty, soft feeling deflate. Maybe she'd meant she loved him the way she loved her father or Lois, only as a friend. But if it was that simple, why didn't she ever say those words to him? Laugh and say she loved him the way she said he was her BFF. It felt different. It felt like more. It had to be more.

"I love your son!"

"No. Stop it!" He squeezed his eyes shut. "I can't hear this now. It has nothing to do with... anything. Even if she... It doesn't matter." He sat down hard on the chrystalline slab. To its credit, it only cracked a little. "I thought you meant Lois," he muttered. "I wish you'd meant Lois. It would be easier. Chloe..." He shook his head. "Not her," he whispered, not sure if he was talking to his father or himself. "Please not her."

April 10th, 2010

Not Chloe. It was like a mantra playing over and over as he raced through the checkered halls, following the man's voice. Am I clear to shoot? Over.

No. He wasn't. Not Chloe. He needed to find her before... He couldn't even think about that.

She'd live and he'd make it better. This entire year. He'd make it up to her. He tried so hard not to f*ck it up this time, and ended up f*cking it up even worse. He lets the most valuable ally fend for herself. Waller's voice sneered inside him.

I did not abandon her, he'd said, but he did. He kept his distance, even as a.. hero. Some hero.

You left your greatest asset vulnerable.

He told himself he was keeping his distance because it was right. It was the only way to keep on the right track. Chloe had made some bad choices, Chloe was not the model of humanity he once thought her. Together, they failed and they were better off as apart as possible. But that wasn't why, not really. He'd been bitter. Even earlier today, he'd been bitter at her grousing at him about her texts.

He'd seen them. He just didn't answer. He needed time before seeing her after last weekend, seeing her with Oliver. Oliver who she couldn't stop talking about, how Oliver followed protocol, going crazy because Oliver hadn't checked in and telling him he was slacking off on watching their backs...

This isn't about us, he'd said. He hadn't said much to her this year and what he did say was choice. He thought of her going off the deep end after Valentines day, All to watch his back, making Lois cry, damned near frying the WatchTower, getting into a physical fight with Tess Mercer. She'd been infected, sure, and a little more aggressive than he'd like, but she did those things as insane as they were. In one day, she did more to watch his back than he had for her all this year.

And he'd make it up to her.

He tore open the doors and sped through the room as the lights flashed, seeing her tied to a chair, knocking over the men in his path, the bullet headed for her, the man who dared pull that trigger...

He damned near wanted to take care of him personally, but he knelt before her instead, tearing the gag from her as the lights flickered around them. He gripped her shoulders as she stared back at him. He forgot about the man with the gun, the men in the room, about Waller's threats. He just needed to get her out of here.

He stood, pulling her to him and sped across towns and rivers, not stopping until he reached The Watchtower. He placed her down then, gently.

"Boy, am I glad to see your friendly face," she said, though she wasn't looking at him, but at the cuffs. He broke them quickly. "Did you, uh..."

"No. I didn't tell her anything," he said, knowing what she was going to ask.

"At least we have that."

For a minute, he thought she was referring to their strange telepathy, then he realized that it was about Waller. All business. It made him feel hollow suddenly. "I'm sorry, Chloe. I'm sorry for everything," he said, hoping it wasn't too late.

"I think we're both a day late and a dollar short in that department," she said, striding away.

Or maybe it was. "But I abandoned you," he said, trying again. It couldn't be too late. He had to keep trying. "I keep seeing you on the sideline, but the truth is, with Watchtower, you're right in the middle of the game." And in his life. How could he have ever pretended she wasn't?

"You didn't abandon me, Clark. You pushed me out of the way." He couldn't deny it. He'd hear her say she wanted to come with him earlier and he'd left still, as quick as he could, trying to rub the sight of her rubbing noses with Oliver out of his eyes.

"Maybe I thought you'd be safer there," he said softly, not wanting to say something so petty.

"Maybe you just didn't trust me. I've broken your confidence in me, Clark." It was part of it, but it wasn't all of it. She'd taken a dive off her pedestal with Davis, but so had he. "You saw Watchtower as big brother, and you turned away." That also had a part to play, but he'd taken advantage of that in a jam. "The less you confided in me, the less you have to depend on me." That was closer to why, but not all there. "It's smart...probably," she finished.

"I didn't give you enough credit," he said, deciding that there was no reason to tell her the real reason -- that he didn't want to need her in any way, let alone every way. "You're the one who brought us together," he said sadly. "You're the one who saw our potential." And that was huge, much bigger than the gnawing in his gut as he imagined her with Oliver. He needed to get over it. Hadn't he moved on?

Once again, His mind supplied that there was nothing to move on from and he had to stop acting like a bitter ex-boyfriend. He needed to find a way to be in her life now, as different as it would be, He needed to be bigger than this petty jealousy.

"That potential's gonna be short-lived. Waller saw our faces, and she's not gonna stop coming after us." All business again. He stared down sadly. He didn't blame her.

"I'll take care of it," he said. "Or John will." He stepped back and rushed off, leaving her again. But for good reason. He rushed off to find John, knowing what he could and would do to keep them all safe. As for Chloe, he just needed more time to prove it to her, that he could be in her life, accept it as it is now, Oliver and Watchtower and everything. She wasn't his support alone, not anymore. But he could have a piece of her still. It might hurt sometimes, but the thought of her dying had proved he needed her still, whether he wanted to or not.

December 21st, 2011

"I don't want to think about this," he said, standing, pacing the space around him, circling the pillars. "Why Chloe?" he said, not sure who he was asking. "Why are you bringing her into this? I don't want..."

"You said you needed to say goodbye to her. I agreed. At the time, I thought it was for the best that you leave that connection behind."

"But I... I meant Lois."

"I don't know this person."

"She's this woman I... I mean, I was worried because she was missing and I started having... feelings for her and I thought it might be more. Then she was in danger and I couldn't leave and... Why Chloe?" he asked again, louder. "Why do you have to bring her up?"

"She is the human female I have most knowledge of. She has been here more than any other, apart from you. I told you that I sensed her around you even now. Was I mistaken?"

"No, but..." He jammed a hand into his hair, pulled. "I said goodbye to her before. I told her Clark Kent was dead and... and that was my goodbye, except for how I.. stayed. She has nothing to do with anything, anyway."

"You carried her with you, in your mind or... what the humans might call a heart. She has been a weight on you for years."

"Damned f*cking right," he growled. "Gonna cast her off tonight. Sign those papers and..."

"But perhaps she is a weight you need."

"No." Clark shook his head. "I don't need her now. And I didn't then. We f*cked it all up." He took a deep breath. "And you know what? Telling me to say goodbye to her was right. If I'd known who you meant, I would have done it for sure, then. You... you need to be clearer."

"And you need to take my counsel."

"I am. Little late, but I'm saying goodbye tonight, finally saying good f*cking..."

"Kal-El, you are not listening."

"But I am. I really am. Maybe I made some bad moves before, letting her back in was number one, but I'm on the right path now. In fact, I was on the right path before I let her in. I just didn't see it."

"But were you?"

"Well," He looked around, "wasn't I?"

"Search your mind, Kal-el."

"Jesus! If you have something to say, just say it now because I just don't feel like searching my mind or breathing deep or all that..."

"Then I will search it for you."

"What do you mean by..." Clark stiffened, his limbs plastered to his side, his body motionless as a pillar of Kryptonian symbols rose around him. They swirled, going higher and higher until they dissolved... into images, like a video that played before him... or around him.

May 7th, 2010

He searched his mind -- no, scoured it -- for something to say to all that.

Watchtower's ready to go. I'm not... Clark, when you disappeared from my life, I retracted into Watchtower... I can't be the eye in the sky anymore, Clark. And now that I have Ollie, I... I want to plug into the real world.

He stared at the back of her head. There was a future in those words. One he couldn't tolerate. He could feel it. He was losing her, even the tiny bit of her he had left could go.

Then she would be nothing more than his girlfriend's cousin and Oliver's girlfriend. Because they weren't there yet, at that place where they were friends again, just the two of them. He could feel it, even a few weeks ago, when he'd come to apologize for pushing her, for marking his symbol into her wall like territory. Like he owned it and her. He'd felt that at the time. That he wouldn't let her forget who owned, who made her what she was, for better or worse. He wondered what he'd have done, after destroying her weapons, if Zod hadn't shown up. The thought had definitely crossed his mind, the way it always did on Red K. He could show her who she belonged to. From the smell of her when he was near, even in these times, he could show her with very little convincing.

The thought of it made him feel dirty. Made him keep his distance when he saw her next. It wasn't the time for a hug. It never was, these days. They'd hardly touched all year. No. They weren't friends. Not yet. They had work to do. So, if she stopped now, left the hero world behind before they got what they had back, she'd just be someone who hovered at the edge of life, not really in it. They might see each other occasionally and get flashes of how much they used to lean on each other and think they were just silly kids then.

And he needed them to be more than that because... he just did. But he couldn't say that. They weren't there yet. This couldn't be personal. If it was about the work...

"Chloe, what you've created here," he began slowly, "it's bigger than both of us. It'll go on to serve future generations."

"I'm not the hero, here." She turned on him, her eyes moist.

He found himself moving to her, trying to find the words. She was always the one with the right words. "You may not be saving people from trainwrecks,Chloe, or shoot-outs." He found himself touching her, even if it wasn't time for that yet. He gave in, holding her by the arms as her eyes widened slightly. "But you are just as much of a hero as the rest of us." It wasn't working. He needed something. What would she say if he was ready to give it all up, if he... But he had been once. Don't do this, she'd pleaded. We need you. I need you. "We're on the brink of war, Chloe," he began, thinking if he couldn't find his own words, he had hers. "And the world needs you. I need you," he finished softly.

She held his gaze, then turned around, but not away. But he had her. He still had her. He saw it in her eyes.

As the windows opened and the sun shined in, he stared at her, wondering if he'd said the right thing. Not the right thing to keep her, but the right thing at all.

December 21st, 2011

"The right path is not always clear, my son, but the wrong one is often abundantly so," Jorel's voice echoed as Clark's limbs loosened and.... It was as if he'd stepped into another room. The fortress dissolved into a factory, dark even with the daylight outside, people handcuffed as something blurred into and around the room, leaving a fiery symbol in its wake.

"What? This?" Clark stared at the smoldering crest on the floor. After his last time under red kryptonite, he'd started to feel uncomfortable leaving them, after marking the Watchtower... "If that's a problem, I don't even..."

"Now that you mention it..."

The factory dissolved into walls, streets, fences, trains, so many surfaces in Metropolis with the scorched mark of his family.

"I was... It's the crest of the house of El. I thought..."

"Exactly. A symbol of a family that traces its bloodline through centuries burned into streets and walls like common graffiti."

"Well, you... you never said anything before."

"I confess, I was relieved you were taking your duties seriously. I didn't want to... What do the humans say? Nitpick?"

"Well, it feels like nitpicking now." Clark said, glowering. "Anyway, I get seen now and so does the symbol. So what's the point of bringing up something I did then?"

"So you learn," his father's voice said, seeming louder now. "But that wasn't what you needed to see."

The many scorched symbols faded into the factory again and Clark saw himself.in shadow. "Don't bother pulling the trigger," he heard himself say as he rushed forward, pulling the explosives away from the masked man in the chair and knocking him through several shelves and across the room. His gut twisted at the sight and the scene, thankfully, dissolved as the man landed.

"I didn't know he wasn't the one," Clark whispered.

"I am aware of that. It was one of the reasons the seed I'd planted, to help you hear the thoughts of others, came about. You acted too rashly. But there was more too it than that. You acted too harshly."

The scene suddenly replayed around him and he squeezed his eyes shut. "Stop it."

"Did you need to harm the man? You had already torn the explosives from him. What need was there for hurting him? Especially when, as you now know, he was not the one who did this. You should be careful in doling out physical punishment on the innocent, but really, on the guilty as well, on all humans who lack your strength."

"I... I don't really... I am careful to..."

"Are you?"

Clark squeezed his eyes shut, anticipating another dissolve. And it came, surrounding him with a bare rooftop now.

A body was thrown to the gravelled floor with a grunt. Tess Mercer's body.

"My father was murdered and I'm here to collect."

"No!" He squeeezed his eyes shut. "That wasn't me. I wouldn't have..."

"Collect on what?" Tess Mercer's voice said and he opened his eyes unwillingly.

"Justice... or vengeance. Depends whose side you're on."

He watched as a circle of flame surrounded them.

"Stop it!" He squeezed his eyes shut again "I was... under an influence and... and bad information."

"Fair enough." The scene dissolved. "But here..." The scene changed to the Luthor study.

He saw Tess, dangling by the neck from his hand. "Where is my father? I want to see him now!"

Clark shook his head hard. "That was for you. Or for... that other you. I wanted to know you. I wanted to feel a part of you, of a world that was bigger than I was. I was only..."

"If you had sought my counsel during this time, I'd have guided you," Jor-El's voice went on. "I'd have made you familiar with the Kryptonian mindset and with Zod's ways, but you did not."

"This was different. They were clones. They were..."

"Of Kryptonian origin and of a military bent and yet you never came to me, who could have... Then again, at this point, this would definitely be what you call nitpicking. But that is beside the point. See how you dealt with this woman."

He saw it again, his hand around her neck, her feet dangling above the floor, then her body pushed into the glass-topped desk.

"Find him!'

"Tess was no innocent. She..."

"And I just told you that restraint is not just for the innocent. Even this woman, who had done her share to harm the world around her, is human and frail, not equal to your strength and therefore undeserving of it being used on her, no matter the cause."

The scene around him dissolved and he found himself on a rooftop. He knew what he'd see here...

And there he was, a whoosh and he was at the edge of the roof, dangling Tess just off the edge as she gasped.

"Let me down from here!"

He pulled her in, grasped her by the arms. "Tell me about Checkmate. No Lies."

She glanced off the roof fearfully before relenting. "A month after i started working at Luthorcorp, I was approached by the..."

"No! Don't you get it?" Clark yelled upwards. "If I hadn't, I'd never have found out they were holding... Chloe," he finished on a breath. He stared at the scene before him again as Tess went on.

"I never told her the Kryptonians were here. I never told her about you."

He flinched as his own hands gripped her harder, sped her to the wall, pinning her against it. "I wouldn't believe your dying breath!"

Maybe that was why. Chloe. He'd needed to find her, hadn't he? "Stop!" he called out. The scene froze around him. "I was worried then. I was weak," he said, swallowing hard.

"Very astute. It was weakness, my son, weakness of mind."

"She made me weak. It was her, looking back, the need for her ... I get it now. I won't let her..."

"It wasn't her," Jor-El broke in. "You didn't know she was gone... not yet."

The scene played out again, him still holding Tess against the wall.

"None of this should have happened," she said on a sob. "Oliver wasn't even the real target."

"Then who was?" he heard himself ask softly and... he flinched again... menacingly.

"I don't know," she cried out. "Something they call Watchtower."

"Jesus! Stop!"

"I will not. Not until you see. It's not your ends, my son, but your means."

"Do I have to always... I... I'm only..." He nearly said human. His father answered before he could.

"You are not human," his father corrected him. "But your life is among them. I sent you to the Kents. I meant you for them because I thought they would raise you to be humble, not to flaunt your power, lord it over humanity, keep yourself away from them. Whatever mistakes I have made, my original intent was for you to accept both parts of yourself, what you are and what you were raised to be. But this..."

The scene didn't dissolve, then. It flashed, over and over.

The scorched marks of the house of El... his eyes igniting Zod's towers. Reporters scattered to the streets as they collapsed in flame... Holding Tess off the floor by her neck... dangling her over the building's edge...

He squeezed his eyes shut and fell to his knees. "Don't show me anymore."



PART THREE


PART FIVE