Red Hearted (Or Clark Goes Gay for Metallo) - Conclusion

Well, here we go. Finally finishing this batch of crazy with part 2.

Aptly named as there's twice as much Hoyay, twice as much terrible alliteration to describe the sexy/evilness of RedKClark, and twice as much breaking of the fourth wall to comment on the utter WTFery of season nine, and twice as much... other stuff. I ran out of things.

Once again, please don't read this. It'll only lower your standing as a sentient being,


PART 2

Clark heard crashing, banging, grunting. Truth be told, it all sounded damned sexy. But that was only because he knew...

His knees weakened with licentious longing as he leaned against the trailer.

He knew that, inside, was the man he loved, lusted after, worshiped and, darn it, just plain liked.

"Damn it," he heard a voice growl... but musically like... like beautiful music. "F*ck this!"

His knees nearly buckled because he did want to f*ck this... but not f*ck. Nothing so crass. There should be tenderness and spooning and maybe a Vermont wedding. Jimmy and Davis were now running a scenic B&B. They could probably get a honeymoon discount.

"It's not working," the love of his life screamed.

He took a deep breath and jumped up and thew open the doors. "Because it's not what you need," he said, ogling his bare-chested, red-hearted paragon with evil eroticism before he recoiled from the green glow all over.

John turned and, out of NOWHERE, just pushed him out of the trailer. "You stay away from me!"

"Why'd you do that?" Clark righted himself.

"Maybe because you're going to try to have sex with me again."

"Exactly." Clark brushed off his coat. "Is it the coat? Because I can get a leather one in, like, ten seconds if this doesn't do it for you." He just knew leather should have been at the top of the list.

"Maybe I don't want to have sex with you," John growled.

Clark laughed with lustful loathsomeness. "Okay. Let's be serious. I mean... Come on."

"I'm out of here!"

"But I can give you what you need," Clark said, then giggled and dipped his head. "I mean I can... get you what you need." He cleared his throat. "You need red kryptonite. I'll get for you... and then we can talk about how much I'm gonna give it to you."

"Kryptonite?" John jumped down.

"Oh.... I meant meteor rock, for civilians."

"You mean there's a red kind, too?" He stared down at his chest. "So that's what..."

Clark smiled. "Oh, yeah. I only get to have it once every few years, but it's good stuff. You get to steal atuff and mouth off and have lots of sex and wear leather and people actually think you're cool for a change."

John nodded. "That sounds okay."

"I can get you some if you just come with me."

"Oh, no!" John backed away again as Clark moved forward. "You just keep away, Loverboy!"

Clark stilled. "We're doing petnames?" He smiled. "I didn't think we were there yet, but I've been trying out a few. Like Daddy Bear. I mean, I'm taller than you, but you give off this comforting kind of..."

"Okay!" John held up a green, glowing vial. "We're not doing pet names and you aren't groping me again and I'm getting out of here, Pervo!"

Clark stared at the ground and backed away, frowning ferociously. "I don't like that pet name."

"Too f*cking bad," John said, still brandishing the vial. "Now you just stay there and... just..." He turned and ran.

Clark punched the air and sank to the ground. "Why does he always run away?"

"Maybe because you're coming on too strong."

He jumped and found Zod sitting beside him. "Where'd you come from?"

"Oh, well your blood gave me your powers and now I can stalk you all I want and obsess about you having things I don't and listen to your self important speeches about saving me while I laugh at you behind your back. Just like real brothers do." Zod smiled widely.

"Is that what brothers do?"

Zod shrugged. "Hell if I know. But it seems about right."

Clark shrugged as well. "I guess." He sighed with devilish despondency. "But there's only one man I want stalking me. He's the only man I'll ever love. And he's gone."

"Really? Him? I kind of thought, if any man, that Lex chap..."

"No, that didn't count," he cut in quickly.

"But you two did..."

"That's all in the past. This... this is real. This is love. The second I touched him, I knew..." Clark punched the packed dirt with salacious spitefulness. "Oh, what's the use? He's gone forever and now... I guess I'd better go take it out on Chloe."

"Chloe?"

"Yeah, sure. She's always up for it. Venting, misplaced anger, hours of acrobatic sex..."

"Who's she?" Zod asked with interest.

"Chloe... you know... She used to be a reporter, sidekick, and best friend, now she's demoted to dispatcher..."

Zod pursed his lips. "Doesn't ring a bell."

"Come on, Chloe... Hoarding kryptonite weapons in case you and your gang ever try to rule the world?"

"Nope. Really can't place..."

"In an alternate future, she led the human uprising and got killed by one of your minions and..."

"Just drawing a blank."

"She's been making all the IDs for you and the others..."

"Oh, Chloe!" Zod snapped his fingers. "That's the one. She must be nice. Bang up job on those IDs. I always fancied Leitenant Zurg-Raf had the air of Ohio about him."

"You never met her?"

Zod shrugged. "No. Seems kind of stupid, now I think about it. Considering she's such an integral part of everything. You'd think I'd have gotten round to actually meeting her."

Clark waved him off with insidious indifference. "Eh, she's been in the corner all year. Don't worry about it."

"Why's that?"

"Lots of stuff." Clark shrugged. "Too smart, hair's not long and shiny enough, terrible writing, but mostly it's because she stopped having sex with me."

"Really?"

"Been trying to get in her cousin's pants, but I never end up doing it. It's just not the same."

Zod nudged his side. "I had Tess, you know."

"Yeah?" Clark turned to him. "What's that like?"

"Intense. That woman has ideas. I'm talking whips."

Clark snorted. "Like that even..."

"With green kryptonite tassels."

"Oh, wow. Yeah. Ouch."

"Don't I know it." Zod glanced sideways at him. "Anyway... with you being all uninhibited.... How 'bout you and me do something wild! We could go to Seattle, sit on top of the Space Needle, and make it snow? Might be a ripping good time!"

Clark rolled his eyes. "That sounds like a totally boring waste of inhibition."

Zod considered it. "You're probably right." He stood. "Right. I'll just make mush-mouthed speeches and indulge in extremely boring villainy by myself, then. Shall I?"

"Have fun," Clark said with devilish dismissiveness.

"But might I add... leather. Just a thought."

"Well, I knew that," Clark yelled after Zod as he sped off. "I'm not stupid!"

But maybe he was. He immediately headed to town, thinking of all the minutes he'd wasted. No leather, kidnapping, bar fights, or car theft in all these minutes. No wonder everything was going wrong! But the minute he busted out of a shop window wearing a leather coat that would put Neo to shame, things started going his way.

He saw him in a dark alleyway, glowing pink in the mist and he nearly ran at him, ready to knock him over with deep, abiding love when he saw John's hand glowing greenly and gesticulating at a woman.

It looked like Lois. But he really couldn't be bothered with that right now. He picked up a trashcan lid and lobbed it.

Unfortunately, it ricocheted off Lois and hit poor John, too.

He sped up and to the figures laying on the ground and bent to check there was a pulse... on Lois, too.

"Sorry, Big Daddy!"

He hefted his one true love up and left the spare.

*****************************

"Finally," Chloe groaned as he burst into the Watchtower, his one true love over his shoulder. "I've been waiting for you to get back so I can save this mess."

"What mess?" He said, gently lowering John... Johnny... Daddy Bear to the couch.

"Our entire horrible situation." She sighed and stared at the floor. "I had my part to play, too. I should have never blamed you for letting Davis run off with Jimmy. Maybe it was true love. Davis certainly put up with the cross-dressing better than I ever did. But us... Clark, if you think about it, we shouldn't need anyone else around or a world to save or any other lame excuses to screw like bunnies for hours on end." She glanced up at him with a teary smile. "It's pretty much you, lots of lube and hydration, and me, in the end. It just makes sense."

Something in him leapt at the idea, then he remembered that Chloe wasn't his one true love. "But Daddy Bear..."

"You're on pet names already?" Chloe sighed and moved to her desk. "Looks like you came to me just in time." She pulled out a lead box and slapped it down. "I'm officially coming out of the corner."

"Wha's happningggg..."

Chloe turned to the man on the couch. Clark did one better and rushed to him. "John... Johnny, my love... Daddy Bear, are you okay?" Clark shook him. "Speak to me!"

John's teeth rattled as his eyes opened. "Oh, my God! You again!"

"He's delirious! He thinks I mean him harm. Damn this inhibition! I've hurt my one true..."

"Oh, God!" Chloe rolled her eyes. "Seriously, I can end this now."

"Who says I want it to end?" Clark lashed out with steamy spite. "This is real love."

"No. It's silly. I mean, without the RedK, I'll give you lust and that can be a hell of a lot of fun. But let's create a scenario," Chloe exposited, as was her way, pacing around the room. "Let's say you've been obsessed with the same person for years, then, out of the blue, you pretty much never mention that person again and don't take any time to really get over them and decide you totally love someone else -- once again, out of nowhere. Then this new relationship is pretty much the old relationship rehashed and over-explained and twice as boring and... I mean... How is that a healthy relationship?"

"What does that have to do with me and Daddy Bear?" he asked, cradling him.

"Nothing, actually." Chloe said, shrugging. "Just a general observation."

John pushed Clark away. "Would you get the hell off me?" John stood and backed toward the doors. "I don't know what kind of sick games you two play, but I'm not in."

Chloe sighed. "I knew you'd scare him away." She turned on Clark. "You always over-complicate everything. You know, Davis might not have run off if you'd been less..."

"What? All I want to do is love him without reserve or shame." He turned to John. "Or protection, by the way. I'm pretty much an alien, so if you have any venereal diseases, they won't do me any..."

"There you go again," Chloe cut in. "You don't lead with VD. No one will want you after that."

"Well, I'm not having sex with him anyway," John yelled. "I'm not gay!"

"Like I am," Clark countered.

"Oh, Clark," Chloe shook her head, "Come on, can't you admit that you're just a little..."

"Of course I'm not."

"But Davis..."

"That was protecting the world."

"And Lex." Her eyes widened with interest. "Actually, you haven't explained that, so if you could... with lots of detail and play-by-play..."

"That has nothing to do with me and Daddy Bear!"

John groaned. "Jesus, would you stop calling me that, Pervo?"

He leaned to Chloe. "We're still working out the nicknames." He turned to John. "But I could live with Pervo if I knew you meant it lovingly."

John growled. "I don't mean it lovingly. I don't love you. And I'm leaving."

Chloe moved in front of him. "Listen, John. Here's the good news, your new heart doesn't need refueling like the old one. You should probably be okay."

He stared at her suspiciously. "And the bad?"

"Your heart is made of a substance that effects Clark heavily."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm getting that now," John gruff-voiced with a wave. "Leather, stealing and people think he's cool."

"And sexy," Chloe added. "And normally, that wouldn't be a problem, except the traces of red K in that lab got into his system and are responding to your heart. So, naturally, he's madly in love with you. But once I fix him, he should stop stalking you." She held up a hand. "But just a tip -- if you do bad things and he comes after you, this might happen again. So don't let him touch your heart directly, don't grow your hair long, don't talk about being abandoned by your parents, or ever speak in soft whispers. If you do, even I can't help you."

John eyed her warily. "So you'll fix him and I can go?"

"Sure, as soon as I put a tracking chip in an unnamed part of your body that I can always activate if you go psycho again. I don't think we can let you just leave without some kind of assurance," Chloe said with resignation. "I mean. last time you were out, you went on a rampage, tried to kill Clark, kidnapped my cousin..."

"That doesn't matter! Stop haranguing the poor man!" Clark moved to embrace him, but John pushed him away.

"No. Fine. Whatever. I'm dangerous. Put a chip in me, but tell the red-blue-blade over there that I am never, EVER having sex with him!"

"Okay, okay..." Clark put his hands up. "We don't have to have sex... ever. I can just..." He sighed heavily, "I can just gaze upon you lustfully while I have sex with her." He nodded to Chloe with erotically evil entitlement.

Chloe put her hands on her hips. "Excuse me?"

"This is just crazy," John exploded.

"Fine," Clark groaned. "I can gaze on you lustfully while you have sex with her." He raised his hand. "With masturbation rights."

Chloe threw up her hands. "Shouldn't I have a..."

John nodded and glanced at Chloe. "I think I can deal with that."

"Am I a sex toy now?"

"Of course not," Clark said with loathsome lustfulness. "You're my best ally and whatever. Now will you please have sex with someone?"

"Well, I'm not having sex with anyone until I fix this." She stomped back to her desk and picked up the lead box. "Starting with you," she said. advancing on Clark as she opened it.

He gasped and dropped to the ground in the green glow, thankfully not openly displaying the lengthy constipated look that accompanied greenK exposure... to save time.

She closed the box and bent to him. "Clark? How do you feel?"

"Repressed, judgmental, and strangely," he smacked his lips and sat up, "like a tool in some ongoing conspiracy to milk a concept until it's nothing more than a dry husk of its former self."

"So back to normal," Chloe said with a sigh of relief. "Can we all strip now?"

"What?" Clark marveled valiantly.

"Whaaaaat?" John helpfully added.

"Well, everything's above-board." She pulled off her top. "So we might as well daisy chain to start."

"Oh, cool." Clark stood and moved toward her.

"You getting in here, Johnny?" she called out, twisting back to him.

"Well, I..."

"No," Clark said with lantern-jawed lustiness, back to his noble self. "I'm fine now. No more infection. You can go."

John moved toward Chloe, too. "Well, I don't have anywhere to be..."

Clark pushed John away, taking care not to touch the heart, and pulled Chloe to him. "I thought you said it was going to be you, me, and lube from now on," he pointed out regally. "Making violent love to you just makes sense. But I refuse to have sex with men unless I am protecting the world," he declared with daring determination, "or they're drunk enough that they don't remember."

"Oh. So that explains Lex."

Clark drew back. "I didn't even mention Lex," he deftly denied with dignity. "He has nothing to do with anything! How dare you bring him into this! I'll have you know we hardly ever hugged." He leaned in. "Did Tess say something? Because we all know she's delusional."

"But it does explain a lot of the resentment. I mean, if I had hazy memories of this," she said, sliding a hand down Clark's torso, then into his pants, "then nothing, I'd go evil, too." She tilted her head to one side. "I might even prevent you from being with anyone else. Damn." She sighed and licked Clark's neck. "Now last it all makes sense."

Clark gasped heroically as she bit just behind his ear. "What does?"

"I mean, I might have thought it seemed petty, Lex using all his resources just to keep you and Lana apart. But he just never knew that all this was why," she finished, pushing Clark's lame coat off his shoulder, then making quick work of his absurdly stupid black t-shirt with the chalk outline. "Anyway, don't be silly. We're all having sex."

"But m-men," Clark sputtered stoutheartedly.

John backed away. "Yeah. Sorry. I don't do guys."

"And I only do them with extremely good and selfless reasons," Clark disclosed dauntlessly. "Or if nobody finds out," he added with a heroic hiss.

"I'm not about to do all the work, here," Chloe moaned, then looked them over. "Ugh! Fine! Let me see..." She snapped her fingers. "Got it! Clark, I think John needs to be reformed. We're going to have to work at him day and night, pounding into him sense and goodness. I can only do so much," she said, wide-eyed and helplessly. "He needs your leadership and guidance working over every brawny, sweat-kissed inch of him so we can keep the world safe."

Clark drew a deep, dashing breath and glanced sideways at John. "Well... It's only fair that we give him a chance."

"And you..." She grabbed John's face and turned it to Clark. "This is about the prettiest man in the free world. Gay, straight... You have to be insane not to want to at least a little that."

John opened his mouth to argue, then nodded. "Yeah. She's right."

"I am really pretty," Clark agreed valorously.

"So enough arguing." She pulled off her bra. "Everyone is having sex with everyone, but mostly with me." She turned to Clark. "To keep the world safe, obviously." She moved to John. "And as a condition of your release." She ran her hands up his mutilated chest. "Even when we let you go, you're going to have to report back for parole meetings. If you don't behave, there might be whippings."

John gazed down at her with villainous vehemence. "And if I do behave?"

Chloe rolled her eyes and sighed. "Fine. You can have them then, too." She pulled him down by the neck and licked at his lips before pulling away. "Oh! By the way, I'm Chloe."

"Nice to meet you," he squeaked just a little as her hand snaked down his pants. He stiffened as he felt Clark against his back.

"Don't worry, John." He exclaimed valiantly. "We'll save you from yourself if it takes all night!"

"And several days," Chloe added with satisfaction as John loosened up, slid his face down her chest, and motor-boated. "Just trapped in this tower."

"Starving." Clark lifted his head and moved around John to grope her gallantly from behind. "Unless Dragon Gardens delivers here."

"Oh, they do. Ollie and I..." Her face fell and she drew away from both of them. "I forgot about Oliver."

Clark put a hand comfortingly on her breast. "I don't think we need to worry about him understanding. You see, Oliver went to an all-boys prep school. Plus, he spent a lot of time drinking this year and..."

"I knew it," she said, pulling Clark against her. "My hero."

He grinned gallantly. "Always."

And so it was and always would be. Clark never stopped saving Chloe, forever on her back -- or front -- whenever she needed peerless protection or stalwart saving ... or was bored.

Many villains and heroes entered their lives. And Chloe always believed in the power of good in them. She fought desperately to comfort the fallen as Clark pounded goodness and valor into them. Or she softly comforted fledgling heroes as Clark worked at them tirelessly to mold them to his heroic likeness.

The two of them touched more heroes and villains than any thousand nerds at a Comic Con.

And the world was better for it!

As for Lois... You know, no one kept track. Seriously, they had enough to deal with.

THE END