CHAPTER 12
Lex finished buttoning up.
He couldn't shake this feeling. It was this creepy feeling of... violation. When he was little, he'd been stung by a bee. It throbbed dully, but didn't hurt so much besides. But he'd been horrified, pulling the stinger from his leg. That was a foreign object, piercing his skin and entering his body with no permission from him. He'd felt about the same way about needles, through the years. Sure, there was that tacit consent in that he knew shots were for his own good. But it was still that feeling of violation. Something foreign has invaded his body. It was a feeling that always made him shudder.
He did so now, having that same feeling, and he couldn't think why.
Lex stared at his image in the mirror. Not even a hole in the head. Though he should be grateful to be alive, it was all very disappointing.
He'd been expecting something different when he woke up. His last memory was a sharp pain in his head and the knowledge that that pain was cause by a bullet. At that moment, he'd fully expected death. A part of him welcomed it. Not that he was suicidal, but because he'd finally know what happened after. One of life's great mysteries. He'd been so near to it before. This wasn't his first near-death by far. After every survival, a part of him was disappointed that he survived at all. That he didn't know what happened when the lights went out.
He grasped his jacket from the bland wooden hanger in the bland hospital room's bland closet. Everything was rather bland, compared to what he was expecting. He didn't fool himself that he'd get to Heaven, should it exist. But to know whether it did or not was so tantalizing. He just liked being on the inside.
He stared down at his jacket. Might not be so great. Can't come back, after all, to tell the tale. Unless he could. He didn't know. He figured he wouldn't know... until he actually died. He'd have to concern himself with those earthly mysteries for now. There were plenty. He hand to find Linda... Kara again. He had to...
"You had us worried today." He glanced up, saw his father behind him in the mirror. "How you feeling?"
"That's the problem, Dad." he turned and shrugged his jacket on. Here was another earthly mystery. "I feel fine. What's going on? I'm admitted here with a bullet in my head, and now there's not so much as a scratch on me."
"You can thank your friend..." Friend? What friends did he have? "Oliver Queen." He wanted to point out that he and Queen had never been friends, but he waited for his father to go on. "The healing technology developed by Queen Laboratories." Was that it? was it just another needle, leaving him with this feeling? "You of all people should remember that," his father finished.
Lex narrowed his eyes. "I was under the impression that all the serum was destroyed."
"Yeah." His father moved forward. "All but a single dose, which I salvaged... for myself, if I should ever need it."
"But you gave it to me?" He didn't take pains to hide the scepticism.
"You sound surprised. You're my son. You think I'd stand there and watch you die?"
"Honestly, Dad, I... I don't know." All he knew was that Lionel wasn't being completely honest. He stared at him, waiting... For what? He didn't know.
His father held his gaze a moment before turning, moving to the door. He stopped suddenly. "Today, I realized when..." He turned back as Lex waited. He moved back intothe room "There is something I was afraid that I would never have the chance to tell you."
"Yeah? And what's that?" There was this part of him that hoped it would be good. But nothing from his father had ever been good. Deception and lies and "lessons" he was meant to learn. Nothing ever felt "good." He could argue, in his father's that it was all necessary, that it made him stronger now. But there was this piece of him that was waiting for just two words. Just two words that might let him know that he could have a father again.
"I..." he heard the first part and wondered if they were finally coming. Those words he needed. "...love you, Lex... my son."
He stared at his father. Wrong words. He moved past him, stopping once to look him over again. There was a time when these words would have meant everything. Now was not that time. It was too late. He moved out the door. Now the right words would be "I'm sorry."
He didn't know why, but it all seemed so fresh in his mind, every time his father grabbed him too roughly, hit him too hard, berated him in front of others, told him to be a man, be a Luthor...
Love? Love didn't make it better. Because he knew Lionel. Lionel could justify all he did as if it was out of love. But wherever it came from, it wasn't okay.
He needed him to be sorry.
But he was used to his father never being what he needed.
************************
Her body ached, but Chloe slipped her feet into her slippers. That part about cold feet after the morgue was true. For weeks after her first "death," she felt she could put her feet directly in fire and they would still feel ice cold. She leaned over and secured her slippers, rather glad Clark had left to get her a drink.
She'd been, at first, relieved to wake up at all. Then she saw him with his tired and even accusing eyes. And she wasn't in the mood to argue. She'd done what she had to and it worked out well for everyone. Why did she have all this power if not to use it, to make things better?
"Here you go," she heard behind her.
She straightened and took the glass, avoiding his eyes. There was something in them that made her feel guilty. "Thanks." She took a long drink. She had nothing to be sorry for. But Clark still had the ability to make her feel as if she'd kicked a puppy when she'd actually saved a life. She decided to avoid the obvious line of questioning as long as she could. "Lois didn't, uh... see me, you know..." And there was no other word for it "...dead, did she?"
"No. She had to shoot back to The Planet to write a story about what happened in Detroit."
"Yeah," she scoffed. "Lex will kill that story in a heartbeat." She took another sip of her water. Why did Lois still fail to realize that?
"Speaking of heartbeats, you didn't have one for over 18 hours."
Chloe turned to stare back at Clark. She knew this was coming. She really shouldn't have given him an opening. She stood. "Look, I was hoping we could skip the lecture and go straight to the welcome back dinner. I'm starving."
Clark blocked her as she tried to pass. "It's 15 hours longer than the last time, Chloe. I've been sitting here, literally, trying to think about what to say at your funeral."
"Well, let's both be glad that I'm alive." She forced a smile. "Cause I know how much you hate giving speeches." She passed him then, moving to the snk with her glass.
"Chloe, I appreciate what you did for me," he said, still dogging her. "It goes beyond friendship. But you can never do it again."
She placed her glass in the sink and faced him over the counter. "Clark, I have the power to save people's lives. Now, obviously, I am the last person who thought she would drag Lex back from the clutches of death, but it was my decision to make."
He nodded. "Of course it was."
Her mind went back to one of the last thoughts she had before this all happened. Had he seen? Did he know that her saving Lex was not just about Lois and Kara? In true Sullivan fashion, she plowed past it, breaking his stare. "But, you know, you're not wrong. I mean, as great as this power is, it does come with a lot of consequences. And I think that one of the responsibilities for both of us is...staying alive. You know, maybe I am pushing my luck with this whole death thing. I mean, it is death, after all." And maybe she got lucky both times.
He came around the counter and folded his arms, leaning against the sink. "Does that mean you're never gonna use your abilities again?"
No. She couldn't say that word outright to him, not when there was still such concern in his eyes. Faced with the same situation, she'd make the same choice. But she wasn't likely to be faced with these two men at her whim again. She might be faced with something less... or more. She had no way of knowing what she would do and why. "It means I'm more confused now than ever. Out of the entire catalog of meteor abilities, why was I the one chosen to be in charge of such an amazing gift?" She held his stare for a moment. "And an even bigger question... Did you not hear me say I was starving?"
He still stared back, so serious.
"I just bet, with all this drama, you didn't stop to have a bite, either. Don't even tell me you couldn't do with a hot dog, burger, pizza, large bucket of fatty fried chicken..." She squinted at him for a while until he finally broke and smiled just a little.
"Which one?"
"Any." She shrugged. "All. I might eat live insects right now."
He started past her, grasping her hand before he moved on. "I'll be back."
She stood against the sink as the door opened and shut, waiting for that tell-tale whoosh before she crumpled onto the counter, sobbing. She couldn't do this in front of Clark. She couldn't do this in front of anyone. Despite the front she put on, this was death. And maybe she could put it into perspective and say it was worth it, that she'd saved lives, but it didn't change death itself.
Honestly, she didn't know why she was crying... just that it felt so... big. If she could cry when she skinned an elbow, she could cry now... just not in front of Clark. He would worry. He would feel guilty. He would harangue her never to do it again when he of all people knew that, if saving a life was in your power, you did it.
It still didn't take away the sting.
She'd cried after the first time, too. When she was alone, her burnt death certificate smoldering at the bottom of this very sink. She mourned the loss. Because she had died. And she couldn't help feeling that a part of her was still dead, even though she walked and talked and breathed. She'd felt strangely empty since then. Nothing mattered as much as it had when you had known death, when you knew that, at the end of the day, everyone was just worm's meat.
She squeezed her eyes shut and willed herself to stop crying. This was no way to live, mourning her own loss. She had to go on. I think that one of the responsibilities for both of us is...staying alive. She'd said the words. Now she had to live by them. She had to live... period.
In a way, it made her think of herself as a soldier returning from war, his life intact. What was the first thing that soldier did? He indulged in those things that made it good to be alive. Earthly pleasures. Things like food and... sex.
A shiver ran through her body. She was alive. In a matter of moments, she'd taste again. Whether it was pizza, fried chicken, a burger, a hot dog filled with things she knew were bad for her body, but that tasted even better when you thought you might never taste them again.
She looked at the clock, then out the window. It was five. It was dusk. Clark would be back soon with... she didn't care what. After that...
It was Friday now. He was supposed to be there Friday. She knew he was okay from Clark, but she had to see... to touch. To see him alive. And to prove to herself that she still was. She vaguely wondered that a night with Lex Luthor would become, for her, some affirmation of life. Six months ago, she saw him as nothing but death and destruction. He was a man who did very bad things under some justifiable grounds he himself had invented. The torture of freaks like her. But wasn't he a freak?
Would anyone else have survived what he had and been put into a coma rather than a body bag?
It was almost fitting, two freaks like them celebrating life.
And she was in the mood to celebrate.
She was also in the mood for food, she realized as her stomach growled loudly. As if on cue, Clark burst throught the door with a pizza box and several bags.
"Okay, I got wings and thighs, but I thought you might also want a little pizza. So I got it with pepperoni and sliced tomatoes like you like, with those pepper seeds on the side. But I figured burger and hot dog would be overkill, so I just went for burger. I didn't know if you wanted fries or onion rings, so I..." She burst into tears and he stopped, staring at her as she stood by the sink, her eyes watering and her breath hiccupping. "Chloe? Are you.."
"I'm fine, Clark." She smiled through her tears. "I'm alive. I'm fine."
He stood, dumbstruck. He was a male, after all. He didn't always get that tears could be happy. And she was happy at the moment. Because he cared to care too much what she might want. If Clark Kent wasn't madly in love with Lana Lang... the things she might do to him...
She stepped forward instead, taking two bags dangling from his hands. "Thank you," she said.
They ate in silence for a while, Clark polishing off more than was humanly possible, as usual.
She sat back, a hand on her stomach, putting her feet up on the coffee table. They'd had many moments like this, just sitting and talking about their day. Their day didn't usually involve her death and a journey into the mind of thir enemy. But it was never far off. Chloe Sullivan and Clark Kent didn't often put their feet up after a humdrum day. There were no humdrum days. "So... you saw Lois and... and Kara?" She didn't dare ask the thing she most wanted to. Did you see us fucking, Clark? Me and Lex? Somehow, I think you didn't. Because you might not be plying me with junk food disguising itself as dinner, otherwise.
"It was all so surreal. Sometimes, he... he wouldn't let me see. I had to keep finding them, keep a step head of him. Because he didn't want me to see it. Didn't want me to know."
Maybe he didn't want Clark to know what he'd done, hiding Kara's whereabouts. And maybe that wasn't all about keeping a step ahead. Maybe some of that was... something more. Something like regret. Like shame. She'd like to think he still felt shame.
"But I... Well, they weren't all I saw." He looked uncomfortable.
She tried to catch Clark's eyes, but they avoided hers. Maybe he had seen. Maybe that was the reason for that sort of accusation in his eyes when she woke up, not just some sort of misplaced blame that she risked her life for him... for them. "Clark.... If you're upset with me, I'd rather you just..."
"Upset with you?" He shook his head. "Upset that I could have lost you? Yes. But... No, Chloe. I know that what you did was... Well, beyond friendship, like I said."
She narrowed her eyes. "You still seem to be holding something back." If he knew, she wished he'd just tell her, get it out in the open. She took her feet down and leaned forward on the couch. "What did you see?" She prayed he hadn't... And yet she prayed he had. She'd not spoke of this to anyone and this piece of her wanted to share it with him. Only him. The only person that knew everything. For the first time in her life, she had somethng that would definitely fall under things he didn't know. And yet there was this petty piece of her that wanted him to know, not for their friendship, but so he would see... She was desirable. She was something to be bedded. She was more than a search engine. So much...
"I saw Lois and Kara... Just enough to find them, but... There were detours, Chloe. I saw things I never thought..."
She squeezed her eyes shut and waited.
"It's Lana," he finally said. "I... I saw them together. I saw them in bed."
She looked up, surprised. Lana? But that was long before we...
"He... he made me watch, like he wanted to hurt me with it. He..."
"That's enough detail," she cut in quickly. She felt strangely hurt, herself. It wasn't only that Lana was the best way to hurt Clark. She'd long since resigned herself to it. Lex must know it as well. It was that her, their nights, so fresh in his mind, wouldn't be seen. That maybe they weren't important enough to be seen.
"That wasn't all, Chloe." She almost didn't want to know. How many more things ranked above her inside Lex? "I saw a boy. I saw... Alexander."
"You mean Lex," she said, still reeling. Not me. Not for Clark. Not for Lex. It's never me.
"No." Clark shook his head. "Not Lex. At least... not the one that we know now. I met that boy in Lex. I... I knew him from... so long ago." He smiled slightly. "I remember when he stayed on the farm. He worked so hard to prove himself to my father. And I thought Dad was being hard on him. He wasn't Lionel. He wasn't destined to be like Lionel. I saw Lex and I saw... I dont know. I was a kid. But I always thought I saw something better in him."
"Me, too," she said softly, surprised she'd said it.
Clark looked up, surprised as well.
"Well... those months leading up to Lionel's trial..." She rolled her eyes. "That first time I died. He made me feel... safe." Even if it was to take Lionel down, he'd been so... gentle with her, then. She'd even fancied herself with a bit of a crush. He may have changed that year. Her loyalties may have shifted so fully to Clark and no one else, knowing his secret. But maybe there was still that boy inside Lex all along. The one who just wanted that pat on the head, that "Good boy." That knowledge that he was worth something. "It's... it's not childish to think there's something good in him." He hadn't seen her inside Lex. But a part of her wanted him to know that she saw the same thing. Just in case he should find out. Just in case she ever told him... Maybe he would understand.
"Lionel... I saw a side of him I never had, too. The way he treated Alexander was... I couldn't imagine being a child and fearing my father that way. And I think... I don't know how we got here. Lionel being Jor-El's vessel. Lex being the enemy. I... it's like findng yourself smack in the middle of an upside-down world you don't understand. How did it come to this?"
"Maybe it hasn't." She took a deep breath. "Come to it, that is. Maybe there's hope for him." She wasn't the only one who'd died and lived today.
Clark looked to the window, brows furrowed. "Maybe I shouldn't give up."
**************************
Lex knew Clark was waiting in the study. And he couldn't imagine why Clark had actually announced his presence. Usually, he just burst in, in a cloud of self-righteousness.
He waited a moment before opening the door, knowing he had to go in on point, ready to face the sanctimonious prattle Clark had become so adept at delving out. He was Jonathon Kent all over again. All judgement and no understanding. He opened the door and strolled in. "It's like a reflex. I see you and start defending myself."
"That's what guilt does to a person. Now, what were you doing in Detroit with Kara?"
And there it was, the thing he was meant to defend. "I was trying to help her."
"And she ended up kidnapped?" Clark stepped forward. "You knew she had amnesia."
Lex didn't falter. "Sure, once she told me. That's when I volunteered my help."
"Did it ever occur to you to pick up a phone and call me?"
"I did call -- twice," he said. And he had, whether he would have said why was another matter. "Lana hung up on me before I could get a word out."
"Do you even know when you're lying anymore?"
He moved around his desk. "You know, I've stopped pretending to care whether or not you believe me." He sat and adjusted the box Clark had disturbed. "So why don't you?"
"Because I do care, Lex. And there's a side of you that knows what's right."
"Wow. Now, what would I do without Clark Kent, voice of reason?"
"That voice isn't me, Lex. It's you." He glanced down. What did Clark know about what was right? He was as puffed up with purity as his father before him. "There's still good inside of you. Let that voice lead you back to it." And now he was even sounding like him.
He glanced up with a smile. "I didn't know it would only take a brush with death to see your softer side."
"Trust me, Lex, there's nothing that's lost that can't be found again."
He watched Clark leave. As true as his platitude should ring... Trust you? I might as well trust my father and his love. It seemed like everyone was coming at him with such concern these days. He wondered why. He wondered why now. What exactly was going on that he suddenly warranted such care.
As it got dark, he found himself snapped out of himself by the ringing of his phone. He stared the the caller ID. It was from The Talon. Not the apartment number, but the coffee shop. Was it her? Was this how she would end things? He shouldn't even flirt with the possibility that he'd be seeing her again, outside of work. She was Clark's better half, after all. Now that she knew why he'd been away, she wouldn't be waiting to greet him on his return. As much as he dissembled for Clark, the truth was that he knew where Kara was. He knew and he hadn't said. She'd judge him as Clark had, wanting for ethics, simply because he wanted the truth.
She shouldn't be so judgemental. Truth was once Chloe Sullivan's deepest desire, after all.
He picked up. "Hello?"
"Lex? Is this... Lex Luthor?"
It wasn't Chloe.
"I... I heard you were okay, but I couldn't believe it. Not after what I saw."
"Linda?"
"It's... It's actually Kara... Or so I'm told."
"You were told right," he said, deciding on honesty. "I knew your name myself from the moment I saw you."
There was silence. "You... You knew? Why didn't you..."
"I wasn't sure what it would do to you," he said quickly, "just telling you. I was hoping my treatment... Well, we never got that far."
There was silence again before Kara's voice whispered over the line. "Lex... I'm... I'm at this place called The Talon. I need to see you. Could you come here?"
He smiled. "Absolutely." He was suddenly in the mood to venture out.
*****************************
As he left his car and approached The Talon, he glanced up. There was a light upstairs. Was Chloe there?
He shook his head. Best not to think of it. Maybe he wouldn't be with her tonight... or ever again. But he lived to see another day. He deserved a latte, at least. That and the truth. He approached the blonde on the couch. Not the blonde he most wanted to see, but a degenerate like him couldn't quabble. There were merits to this meeting. There was something about Kara Kent. There was also something about Clark Kent. But only one of them was currently speaking to him.
She sat forward, listening to her ipod with such concentration. He moved to the couch. "Hi," he said loudly.
She glanced at him and pulled the buds from her ears. "Lex?"
He smiled. "Hi," he repeated.
She smiled as well. "Hi. I... was told you were okay, but..." She stared at him. He knew where she was looking. His forehead. He was surprised to find it so clear himself.
"I know some talented doctors. I'm just glad you're okay," he said quickly. "But what are you doing here?"
"I just... I had to get away. My cousin keeps staring at me like... like I'm going to fly off or something. I felt sort of smothered there. You know?" She stared down at her ipod. "This was mine, apparently. I just took something that was mine and just... got away for a little. I think I can learn me better by myself, maybe."
He sat beside her. "I want you to learn you. I hoped that my treatment would help you get back your memories so you could go back to your cousin... Well..." He glanced down, trying for a sad smile. "I wanted you to come back whole. It was the least I could do."
Her brows furrowed. "The least you could do... why?"
"We were friends once."
"You and Clark? But..."
"Would you like a latte? When I'm here... Well, its pretty much on the house."
"Uh..." She shook her head. "Do I like lattes?"
He pursed his lips. "I don't actually know. But you look like a caramel machiatto girl to me." Or was he confusing her with someone else, someone who preferred that drink and light, repetitive pressure on her clitoris? He glanced up the stairs, both dreading and willing her to come down, to see him, to react as she would, even if...
"I don't know machiattos much, but I know caramel," Kara was saying with a bewildered look. "That sounds kind of good."
He snapped his eyes back to her. "Then I'll be right back."
He moved to the counter, willing himself not to think of what he couldn't have, but what he could.
"The usual, Sir?"
He turned to the girl at the counter. "Yes," he said blankly. "And a caramel macchiato"
He stared as he waited. Maybe he couldn't have lithe legs wrapped around him. A compact, but powerful little body against him in room 23 at The Paradise Motel. But... He glanced at Kara, replacing her earbuds. He could have the truth.
"Anything good?" he asked loudly, approaching with their cups.
Kara took her earbuds out. "Um...I don't know. Supposedly, this is one of my favorite songs, and I don't even remember how it goes." She grew silent for a moment. "Lex, I saw what happened." Her hand moved to his forehead. "You were bleeding."
"I told you. I know some talented doctors."
"Obviously you do." He placed their coffee cups down on the table and she picked hers up. "So, I guess I used to work here. I wonder if they'll give me my job back."
Lex smiled. "Well, I think the owner will understand."
Kara put her cup down without drinking from it. Now that was something Chloe would never do when coffee was before her. "Thank you for meeting me," Kara was saying. "I mean, home isn't feeling very..."
"Familiar?" Lex supplied.
"Yeah. I mean, Clark seems like a really nice guy and everything, but I can't help but feeling he's hiding something from me."
Lex chuckled to himself. "As his former best friend, I know the feeling all too well."
"See, Clark didn't even mention that you guys were friends. What happened?"
"I grew up," he said, honestly sad for what could have been. He never wanted to sneak, to lie. He'd rather that he'd be let in. But now... "Kara I'm not interested in keeping secrets." That was true. "This treatment will help you get your memories back, and with it, we'll get the truth... ...once and for all."
She was smiling, staring at him as if he was her savior. He liked that. He was so sick of being painted as the villain. He wasn't. He was something more than that. Maybe he wasn't the savior, but he was someone after the truth.
He glanced up the stairs again. He'd think that was something she could understand.
***********************
Chloe woke, shivering, on the bed in room 23 at The Paradise Motel, her limbs stiff and cold. She probably should have got under the covers, but she had no idea she'd fall asleep. She'd been waiting, poised for that door to open. No thought that he wouldn't come.
It was Friday. He was supposed to be here.
She'd been here since dusk. She'd bathed and dressed so carefully and now she wondered why. It wasn't just for sex. It was for life. He was alive. She was alive. He might not understand that her life was something that needed reaffirming, what with Lionel's careful lie. But she thought he'd want to affirm his life, at least. And, despite that he hadn't a thought of her in his mind, that he'd want to affirm it with her.
She glanced at her phone. It was after midnight now.
She never thought she would be in this position again, waiting on a man without a thought for her. She shouldn't be this pathetic.
But there was something about what Clark said. Something in that lost boy. Something that made her need to see him, search him. Sure, both Clark and Lionel insisted he was fine, not even a scar. But she had to see.
His absence now didn't change that.
She shrugged into her coat.
She had to see...
PREVIOUS CHAPTER
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
No comments:
Post a Comment