Almost Whole (Chapter Seventeen)

After some rather harried excuses to Ramirez about how she was way too tired to go for lobster, Clark sat across from Linda at a rather annoying seafood joint near the docks, complaining that there wasn't any lobster.

"Well, you picked a place called The Crab Shack," Clark pointed out.

"Well, that was just to get us somewhere quicker. I didn't think they really wouldn't have... other shellfish."

"Linda, I thought we were here to talk. The food doesn't matter."

She lifted her eyes from the menu and gave him a rather venomous look. "I'll pretend I didn't just hear that."

A teenaged boy in a pirate suit came to their table. "Welcome to The Crab Shack," he droned. "Arrrrrr, mateys." There was a rather miserable pause. "Here be delicious delights from the salty sea and a peach cobbler that's famous from Kansas to the exotic ports of..."

"Clam chowder," Linda sighed, closing her menu. "Bowl, not cup. Extra crackers, a lemonade, and... one of those cobblers. But after and I want the cobbler hot and the ice cream on the side." She took Clark's menu, too.

"Hey. I didn't even..."

She rolled her eyes. "I thought the food didn't matter."

"Well, no. But..."

"He'll have the same," she said quickly.

Clark nodded. "Fine."

"Aye-aye," the kid said tiredly, taking the menus. "Back with your iced tea."

"Lemonade," Linda called after him.

"Yeah. Okay," he threw over his shoulder.

She crossed her arms and sat back, eying Clark. "Well?"

Clark stared back. "Well what?"

"Aren't you going to explain yourself?"

"Explain myself? You're the one who hauled me here. You're the one who's preg..."

"Shhhh! You want to announce my business to everyone?"

Clark leaned across the table in the nearly empty restaurant. "Linda, I doubt the many people here are going to run and tell Oliver... which you haven't, I guess."

"Can we just leave Ollie out of this?"

"If he's going to be a father, I'd say he's pretty far in this."

"I'm waiting for the right time."

"Like when? Your first contractions?"

"God, you sound just like her and that," she hissed, pointing at him, "is exactly what I want to talk about. Not this because you will obviously not say anything to anyone and you probably know how painfully I could hurt you if you even tried because I might just have access to recovered kryptonite that Victor is studying and would not hesitate to use it to punch you very hard in a very painful place." She finally took a breath as Clark brought his legs together under the table. "I want to talk about Lois."

"Here I thought you just dragged me off to threaten me."

"Yes. And that's done, so... Hey! Bread basket." She smiled as the kid placed it on the table with their lemonades.

"Clam chowder'll be up in a minute... mateys," he finished, shuffling off.

"I hope they have good bread," she said, ripping open a butter packet. "You can tell a lot about a restaurant by the bread and the coffee, not that I can have coffee now, but...

"Did you want to talk about Lois?" Clark cut in.

She put her butter knife and hunk of bread down. "Yes." She pursed her lips. "Listen, Smallville. You and I were never exactly... big with the confidences. I still don't trust you. I still think you're bad for her. And I still think..." She looked down. "This knife is absolutely filthy. Give me yours."

Clark picked up his butter knife and placed it in front of her. "Fine. You don't trust me. I've been working my ass off for almost a year, trying to help her and every other living person in this city and I'm still no good for her. Is that it? Because I don't want to sit in this crappy pirate-themed restaurant waiting to pay seven bucks for what will probably be chowder from a can to hear something I already know."

She stared at him, wide-eyed. "You don't think they would really sell chowder from a can..."

"I'm leaving."

"No." Linda grabbed his arm. "Sit. Just let me finish."

"Fine." Clark settled down. "I think you left off at how I was no good for her."

"Well, can you deny it? You know what you did. It wasn't just you running off to your icy clubhouse. That I can almost forgive. It was all those years that you... God..." She rubbed her temples. "Here's the thing, the both of you kind of piss me off. All those years, you two had your secret club and I was never let in even though I knew everything." She calmed herself. "Well... not everything. But I knew about your little trysts. And I tried not to blame you, Smallville. I really did. She told me you didn't even know. Even tried to convince me that she was the one taking advantage and it was over and that you didn't remember it. She said she'd handle it. She even said she'd stop, but I knew..." Linda nodded to herself. "I knew she was lying. Because that prom... That crazy-ass prom... She was staring at you and I knew that about the only thing she wanted was a dance with you and... you asked me." She glared at him. "Like that was going to happen. But then in walks Lana and you..."

"Linda, don't..."

"NO." She slapped her hand on the table. "I am going to finish." She took a deep breath. "See that was like a gift from heaven for me. I just knew you'd jump at the chance to dance close to Lana and... fuck everyone else. And I looked between you and Chloe I saw this world of heartache coming and... I remember telling you that I wasn't the one you wanted to dance with and... For a split second, I thought maybe, just maybe, you'd turn and see Chloe staring at you, that you'd even think of her. But you chose Lana and I was... God, I was relieved. Because she had to know by then. Chloe had to know what kind of a fickle son of a bitch you were and... Jesus! Okay, strike that. Because Martha does not deserve that. But you were damned fickle. I knew you fucked her. And maybe you didn't remember, but it didn't change the fact that you just... You knew how she felt and you never really let her off your hook. And I tried to tell her that night. I tried to tell her to forget you, that she was better than that. But she just went on about how you have a lot more to offer or some stupid crap and all I could think was... 'This guy, Chloe? Really?' And I must have been psychic because..."

"Linda..."

"No. I was right. You did some even shittier things down the line and I turned a blind eye because, unfortunately, I can't control who my cousin loves." She squeezed her eyes shut. "And I know, Clark. I know you are trying. But when I look at you, all I see is the saddest prom queen in history. I see a girl who ran off to Maine and holed herself up for months. I see a girl who wanted every trace of you gone from her mind. You just... you don't get over these things in a second. Okay?"

Clark nodded and stared at the table. "Okay."

Linda took a breath. "That being said, I... I really want to get past this, but... There's this piece of me that still doesn't trust you with her. I almost wonder if it's the challenge."

Clark lifted his head. "The challenge?"

"Let's say you get your powers all back. That looks likely. Let's also say that Lois get all of her memories back. Not quite as likely. But I see the way you look at her. You two together is that prize at the end of the path and, when you get there, maybe you'll decide you don't want it."

Clark stared at her, aghast.

"What happened with Lana, Clark? Lana came back in all her glory, after years of pining and who did you go to? My cousin. But then, once you had her, where were you? Off to your Arctic clubhouse."

"Do you honestly think..."

"I don't know what to think. Sometimes I think the two of you could be on your silver anniversary and I'd have my doubts."

"Linda, I..." He spread his hands. "I'm not sure what to say to..."

"Damn it!"

"What?"

Linda tossed her napkin on the table. "I have to use the bathroom."

"Can't it wait a..."

"No, it can't," she growled, her chair screeching back as she stood.

Clark watched her nearly run to the restrooms and sat back, sighing. Despite the fact that Linda was as abrasive as ever, she had a point. He'd known he loved her since that night in Maine. But he'd left. He'd had little choice in the matter, but looking at it from her perspective, it was still a shitty move. Maybe everything would have been different if he'd told her how he felt before he left again. At the time, he didn't know if he'd be able to come back. He wasn't sure how long he'd be away. He didn't want to ask her to put her life on hold indefinitely.

Yet he still played it safe when he came back. He didn't have to do that. If he could go back and change it all, he would. But it wasn't within his power. Right now, he was lucky to have what power he did. All he could do now was not waste a second chance if he got one.

He glanced up as the waiter came back with two bowls. "Here's your fresh clam chowder from the briny... Uh..." He looked at Linda's empty chair.

"She'll be back." He shrugged and put down their bowls. "I think you forgot something."

"Oh, yeah... you guys'll probably want soup spoons or something."

"That and crackers." He didn't want Linda any more upset than she had to be. "Extra crackers."

"Okay," he said shuffling off.

He wondered if the guy would look more lively about it if he knew that he was dealing with the pregnant wife of a billionaire. Probably not. He sat up straighter as Linda came back.

"Oh, good. I'm starving," she said, the trip to the bathroom having made a visible difference as she was smiling now. "I haven't eaten since that burger and that was over an hour ago and..." She sat and her smile faltered. "Where are my crackers?"

"They're coming," Clark said quickly. "Linda, I can't promise you anything," Clark said, trying to get something in before her mood soured again. "I don't know the future. I don't know what's coming. I only know how I feel."

"How you feel now," Linda said soberly. "But how do I know that won't change?"

"You don't. But I do. And you're right. Lois and I... It is the prize at the end of the path. It's... It's about the only thing I want for myself. And I always thought... Ever since I was called away in Maine, I thought I couldn't have her. And God knows I don't deserve her, but... I want to. I wish I could make it all up to her, whether she remembers it or not. I love her."

"Yeah. You say that. But how much?" Linda stared hard at him. "Because, after all she's been through, that girl should be treated like gold, like... Oooh, crackers!"

The waiter put the basket down and stopped to rub under his eye patch. "I can bring the cobbler when you're done," he yawned.

"Sure. Whatever." She took several packets and crunched them up in her hand, then opened them over her bowl. She tossed the wrappers on the table, then eyed the rest in the basket. "You didn't want these, did you?

Clark pushed the basket to her. "Knock yourself out." He didn't want them. He didn't even want the chowder, but he picked up his spoon, anyway. People should eat when they went out to dinner. It was all part of enjoying life, relaxing. Stupid relaxing. Murray had gone on and on about taking things slow and how there was no pressure when all Clark really wanted to do was work at it. All of it. If he could work for days straight, he would. He just wanted to be whole again. And yesterday. Was that so much to ask?

But fine. He'd enjoy life. He'd even enjoy chowder. He only got through two spoonfuls when he saw that Linda's bowl was empty -- and she was staring at his. "Oh, here." He pushed it to her. "You're the one eating for two."

"Jeez!" she shrieked. "Could you keep your voice down?"

"Fine, Sorry," he whispered, even though the place was damned near empty, and even though Linda was the one announcing everything loudly. But he wasn't sure whether he was supposed to argue with a pregnant woman. They were supposed to be delicate. Of course, the way Linda was shoveling chowder into her mouth, some of it dripping down her chin, he was beginning to rethink that assessment. "How long have you known?" he said, keeping his voice as low as possible.

She pulled back and dabbed at her chin. "A month, but I'm two months along and... Hey..." Her eyes widened. "When you saw, did you see anything?"

His mouth worked. He couldn't even begin to figure out what that meant.

"Like if it was a boy or a... No." She shook her head. "Besides you couldn't tell yet. What am I thinking? Unless... you specifically could. I mean, if you had a good look, you could be better than an ultrasound or... No. I don't want to know. I want it to be a surprise."

Though he was a little curious to know if he could beat modern technology, he resolutely decided not to test his X-ray through the table. "Well, no one will be more surprised than Oliver if you don't tell him before labor starts."

Linda rolled her eyes. "Listen, I'm just waiting for the right time and..."

"There isn't a right time or a wrong time. You just have to do it."

"I'll... I'll... Stop changing the subject." She pointed her spoon at him. "Me and Ollie and the baby are my business. We're here to talk about you and Lois."

"Which is my business," he muttered.

"What?"

"You heard me." He leaned over. "I don't know why you're so bent out of shape over us, anyway. I don't even think she'd have me." And he had no idea what to do about it. "She constantly pushes me away." Then pulls me to her for all the wrong reasons.

"Really?" Linda looked sort of happy at that.

"All the time," Clark groaned, frustrated. "From what I can tell, she only wants to use me for sex."

Linda's eyes widened, then narrowed. "I knew it."

Damn it! "Wha... I mean..."

"Oh, I could tell. Chloe, Lois... whatever her name is, I know when she's hiding something. And I don't blame her. I mean, she's a red blooded woman. She has needs. But you..." She pointed with her spoon again. "You saw your moment and you just... you jumped into bed with her, didn't you?"

Clark stared st the table. "I'm not saying it was one of my smarter moments, but if I could take it back..." He really couldn't finish that truthfully. He wouldn't take a second back. "What's done is done. Okay?" He fixed her with a stare. "I may have some abilities, but I'm not perfect. I might not always make the right choices, but I... I want to try to make her happy."

Linda stared hard at him. "And how do you propose to do that? She had her damned mind wiped and she's not happy. But I still wonder if it would have worked if a certain interfering farm..."

"Maybe we could stick with the idea of what's done is done."

'Fine," she growled. "No more of the past. But looking to the future, what makes you think life with you could make her happy?" Her eyes grew distant. "There's always going to be some crisis, some global catastrophe and it won't matter that she's there waiting with a baby on her hip because the world will always come fir..."

"Linda..." He grasped her hand. "You can't really believe that. If Oliver had a child and... Well, if he actually knew about it, you know things would change."

"Yeah?" Her eyes filled. "I... I don't think I have that kind of faith in him. And I don't know if Lois... I don't know if she should have that kind of faith in you."

Clark squeezed her hand. "I'd like to say that she'll always come first. If it was up to me, she would. But Superman..."

"Superman is you, Clark."

He shook his head. "Not really. Sometimes, he is. But, when I put those... stupid tights on, something changes. I can't be Clark Kent. I can't be one of the masses. I have to look at everything differently. I have to think of the greater good."

She smiled sadly. "Same for The Green Arrow. And I... I don't know if that's something I can accept." She put a hand to her stomach. "Especially now." She sniffled. "See, it was fine when it was just me. It was one thing when I looked at my future, knowing I'd always be left behind... But a child." She pulled her hand away and wiped her eyes. "Don't get me wrong. I want this baby. I just... I don't know if he does."

"Linda, if he knew..."

"If he knew, then what?" She shook her head. "Would he devote his life to us? Even then, I'd know there was a world that needed him and I'd feel so selfish and... God!" She lifted her head, her eyes sad. "He talks about how awful it would be, bringing a child into this miserable world and... he doesn't know the half of it. He doesn't know how it's going to feel to always be waiting, wondering if tonight is the night he doesn't come back." She let out a watery sniff. "And that's what's so hard. I want to promise this kid nothing but happiness and I don't know if I can do that without lying."

"My life hasn't been nothing but happiness." Clark scooted his chair around and pulled her to his side. "Has your life been nothing but happiness?"

"Well, of course not. No one's life is..." She suddenly drew back and slapped his arm. "But this is different. This is a baby, damn it!"

"Well, we were babies once, too."

"Well, I don't expect it for me. I just want it for... the ones I love." She buried her face in his sleeve and it became soaked surprisingly fast.

He wasn't sure what to do with this newer, leakier Linda, so he just let her soak it, then patted her shoulder a bit. When the waiter came back, two dishes of cobbler in his hands, he nearly waved him away, then thought better. "Box it up," he mouthed. Linda might thank him for it later. And, with Linda, he needed to score what points he could if she was ever going to accept...

"For my family," she sobbed. "I don't have a lot of family left."

Clark winced and rubbed her back.

I know you've been here with her all this time, but there's more than you involved or are we forgetting that she has only one living relative?

Ollie had said it last week and he hadn't thought much about it until now. He'd been looking at Linda all wrong. As if she was some kind of guard dog to get past on his way to Lois. Maybe it was all the crying, but he sort of... got it now. He should have got it all along. All the animosity wasn't about hating him, but about loving Lois, her only family.

Maybe they had some differences of opinion on some... everything relating to Lois, but they both wanted what was best for her. And he was starting to realize what was best for her. He needed her only living relative with him on this.

This being the thing he was nearly ready to bring up. "Linda..."

"I mean it," she said into his shoulder. "Maybe I and any other reasonably intelligent person know complete happiness is impossible, but I want my baby to think it is. And I want it for her." She gave a sad sort of chuckle. "If I can't teach this baby how to live a deliriously happy life, maybe Aunt Lois can. She's the one who had all her sadness surgically removed."

"Well, that doesn't make her happy. From what I can tell, she's so confused and unhappy that she needed a break and..."

"I know." Linda lifted her head, then grabbed a napkin from the table and blew her nose loudly. "I got her stupid email."

"She sent you an email?" She didn't send Clark an email.

"She sent me this stupid email and told me she'd call me in a few weeks and that she just wanted some alone time to go to museums and relax and... You know what? I don't see that happening. She's been holed up in that place for almost a week. Not the action of a happy girl. A happy girl would go to Bermuda. And I'd take her. I like exotic food." Linda turned to Clark. "And she kicked me out," she said on a wail. "She said she needed her space." Linda spat the last word. "And what's she doing with it? Nothing."

"Yeah. Whenever I go by the blinds are drawn. But what I wanted to talk about was..."

"Go by? That's not exactly in your neighborhood." Linda sneered at him. "Stalker."

"It's just to check up," Clark said quickly. "See if she needed anything. But I didn't go up."

Linda shrugged. "Well, you can't. I tried the buzzer and she didn't answer and her car was there, too."

Clark pursed his lips. "You know, we really should check up on her. If she's not answering her buzzer, then maybe..."

"No. She was there. I waited at the taco stand cross the street for a bit, where, by the way, they have shrimp tacos and they're awesome... Anyway, I saw her moving around through the blinds."

"Now who's a stalker?" Clark muttered.

"Well, I care about her," Linda said loudly.

"So do I and that's exactly my point," Clark said, frustrated.

"Your point about what?"

"Uh..." He realized he hadn't exactly gotten to his point. He took a deep breath. Having a conversation with Linda was never easy to keep track of. "Look... At this table are the two people that care most about Lois and that's why I want to have this conversation with you. Linda... She can't go on like this."

"Tell me about it. She needs fresh air and someone to make sure she has groceries and..."

"No. This isn't about her vacation."

Linda crossed her arms and sat back. "Some vacation."

"This is about her memories."

Linda shook her head. "Clark, we've all gone over this. Just out and out telling her would be like... waking a sleepwalker. You're just... not supposed to do it."

"That's actually a myth."

"Well, what about that thing with not jarring amnesiacs or..."

"Lois isn't an amnesiac. This wasn't a head injury."

"But the pain..."

"The pain is all in her mind. And we happen to have two brilliant doctors on our side. If we take the proper precautions..."

"We don't have the right doctor," Lois said, putting her fingers up in quotes. "We can't do anything unless we find the one who did this to her and..."

"We might never find him," Clark broke in angrily. "Victor's been on it and he has nothing! And I've tried, believe me. I think half the reason I was behind the game on this story was because I was too busy trying to find him. I put those people's lives at risk and I found nothing!" He calmed himself. "Besides all that, I don't think Grady knows how to reverse the wipe. It might be in his power, but its not something he's tapped into. We need to find another way."

Linda gave him a helpless look. "Like what?"

"Like actually telling her. It won't be a perfect recovery, but it's at least..."

"But we don't know what that will..."

"We could try under controlled circumstances. Maybe using hypnosis or... I don't know. We can leave that up to the doctors. But I need you on board with this before I put it to the others." He sighed tiredly. "We can't lie to her for the rest of her life."

"But she chose this."

"She didn't think it through. You know that. She was coming off a very hard time and..."

"Mostly caused by you," Linda cut in. "Don't think I've forgotten that."

"Linda, we're on the same side," he said carefully. "Whatever happened in the past, we just want what's best for her now. Can we agree on that?"

She held his stare, then nodded.

"I'm not getting off scott free, here. I'm not going to leave out what I did. I know there's even more of a possibility, if she knows, that that prize won't be at the end of the path. I'm not doing this for me."

Linda tilted her head. "No. I guess you're not."

"We need to think about what to do about this."

She held his stare, then sighed. "Ollie's back in town Sunday. I think we should all talk it over then."

"Then maybe we should wait until Monday. You two might have enough to talk about." He glanced down significantly.

"No," she said, her teeth bared. "Sunday is fine for me."

"You do realize you're going to have to tell him before you take him to your first Lamaze class?" He smiled. "Not exactly something you take for the hell of it."

"Watch it, Smallville." Her eyes narrowed. "Sara told me about your sessions. I might come join in just to piss you off."

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