Red Hearted (Or Clark Goes Gay for Metallo)

Title: Red Hearted (Or Clark Goes Gay for Metallo)
Author: April (aka apeygirl and TheAmazingApe)
Pairing: Kaloe, Kaltallo (I guess?), mentions of others
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Warning: Smut abounds, sanity... not so much. This fic is pervy, immoral and, should you die reading it, you are going to HELL.
Summary: What if they had succeeded in getting that red K heart into Metallo before Clark investigated and got infected? How might things have played out?
Notes: It's the crackiest possible reimagining of Upgrade I could come up with. I remember when the spoilers for Upgrade first came out, I thought Metallo's new heart being made out of Red K was like a cracky, hoYay dream come true.

Other notes:

It's also kind of a timestamp on Taming The Beast. As in I'm using that continuity (I do plan on having another to explain what REALLY happened with Doomsday at some point)

It also takes advantage of the fact that season nine had Clark drugged up twice. TWICE! And nobody wrote a smutty crackfic.

But this is mostly about Upgrade.

Instead of abusing heroic adjectives and adverbs, I will be abusing the words most often used to describe Kal. Off to brush off my thesaurus. And cruelly abuse alliteration.

Also, this might be terrible. I rattled it off pretty quickly to try to get it in to celebrate Drug An Alien Day and wanted to at least get in a start on that day.


PART ONE

Clark tapped away at Chloe's keyboards with sexy, fiendish concentration. He knew what he had to find. Had known it since the strange moment in the underground lab when everything had become clear. Tess' labs, Zod, Kandorians, whatever the hell Lois was doing. What did any of it matter now? He'd come straight here, not even stopping to steal things, hit on bar skanks, kidnap pregnant women, or shop for leather pants, even though all the impulses were there and had been since he broke into the underground lab.

"Clark Kent at the keyboard," Chloe said behind him. "Have I been downsized in the beaurocratic world of super..."

"Damn it, Chloe! I'm too busy for pithy comments!" Clark snarled depravedly, turning on her.

"See? This is why we don't hang out anymore." Chloe sighed and dropped her purse. "Why do you even keep me around if I can't make pithy comments or wear low cut tops?"

"I never told you to stop wearing low-cut tops." He stared at her grannyish jacket in debauched thoughtfulness. "Why did you, anyway?"

She shrugged. "You didn't deserve to see it anymore. I mean, it's not like we're having sex these days."

"You're right," he said, his voice loathefully, lusciously low. "I could use a distraction. Clear my head. Take off the ugly top."

"What?" She snorted. "You can't be serious."

"I am serious. I'm also selfishly horny and petulant. I have been since I broke into Tess' underground lab earlier." And found love.

She crossed her arms. "You expect me to have sex with you? Now?"

"Yes. Then I want to find another coat, maybe leather this time. Then I want to have sex again. It'll help me think. Then I'll probably want to eat. Then..."

"This is ridiculous! We haven't had sex since Davis and Jimmy elaborately faked their deaths and ran off to Vermont together."

"Exactly. Why is that? It's not like they were really dead."

"Well, someone else was dead."

"What? No one else was dead," he said with impish impatience. "Now could you take off your shirt already?"

She rolled her eyes. "You, Clark. You said you were dead."

"Well, you wouldn't have sex with me anymore."

"Well, you refused to rewind time and stop Jimmy from stealing Davis from us!"

"Davis was cured. He didn't need us to tame his beast anymore."

"That didn't mean we shouldn't have kept trying!" She sighed sadly. "Now all I have is the videos."

"You have videos?"

"Not that I'll show you."

"Fine. Don't. Just have sex with me," he sneered with revolting resoluteness as he leaned down.

"No. Never. You have a girlfriend and I have a... something. We're not labeling it. Anyway, we never just had sex. We protected each other from Davis. With sex. There's a difference. Then you had to go and ruin it by letting Jimmy into the whole thing to steal our..."

"Would you stop harping on that? They were in love!" He sighed. "Like I am now."

"So you and Lois are really that serious? See?" She moved to him. "That's exactly why I don't get your sudden..."

"How can you talk about Lois at a time like this?"

She threw up her hands. "Then with who? And don't you dare say with me because that's not working anymore."

"Fine." He moved to the desk. "Don't have sex with me. I will renew my search for my one true love."

"Is Lois missing?"

"Could you stop talking about Lois? This is serious!" He opened the file he'd brought from the lab, staring at the face he now had memorized in devilish desire. "I might never find him."

"Find who?"

"Corben... John Corben." Clark sighed and clasped the file to his chest. "I wonder if he'd let me call him Johnny?"

"What the hell?" Chloe moved closer and, after a brief struggle, took the file.

"We need to find him." Clark stalked toward the window, smoldering at the city beneath them. "He's out there somewhere."

"I can hardly read it under all the hearts you drew, but... Tess was experimenting on John Corben?"

"How could she?" he growled. "I'll probably take care of her as soon as I have him safe with me."

"And she's experimenting with red kryptonite." She snapped the file shut. "That explains some of this." She moved to him and grabbed him by the jacket. "Okay. Let's get some green stuff and..."

He tore away from her. "Damn it, Chloe! He's missing! I found him in the basement of The Talon. And I... I never felt so connected to someone."

She stared up at him. "Usually, the red K brings up some interesting things, but... You're gay now? Usually it took some heavy foreplay for you to ease into it with Davis, so to speak."

"Not like it was that new. I mean, with Lex..." He shook his head. "Gay, straight... I love him. I'd do anything to find him again. I love his eyes, his stubble, his beautiful, glowing red heart..."

"Okay, we are definitely talking about the Lex thing later with plenty of detail." She nodded. "But now I get it. So John's glowing red heart made you fall in love with him."

"Don't make this cheap! Maybe I loved him all along. It feels like it." He sighed again. "I don't know why we fought last year."

"Maybe because he was trying to kill you?"

"It all seems so far away now."

"So you found him in The Talon and then..."

"I tried to attack him at first. I don't even know why now. It's not like he'd ever hurt anyone."

"Except for how he would and could and has. Go on..."

"One moment I was grabbing him and the next... I was grabbing him and... Then he ran away. I just don't understand why."

"Maybe because a giant superpowered man was trying to have sex with him?" She leaned forward. "How much grabbing was there?"

"Well, first I grabbed his shoulders, then we fell in love, then I ran my hands over his sweat-kissed chest and hot tubes pumping the meteor rock that makes my true love live, then I leaned gently forward for true love's first kiss, then he ran away."

"Yeah." She bit her lip. "That's working for me." She grabbed him. "Clark, strip me!"

"No. You were right before. Why waste precious time? I need to find him!" He said with dastardly determination.

"But I'm supposed to help you clear your head, right?"

He eyed her with loathsome lasciviousness, his eyes flashing red. "It might help."

"Then take a minute and ride me like a rickety roller coaster," she said bravely. "You know I'd do anything to help the cause."

He leaned down.

"Wait!" She pushed him away and paced to the middle of the room. "I mean, I know it's not really sex or cheating if it's for the greater good of finding Corben and keeping him safe, but... Get mad at me." she whispered, turning back to him and licking her lips.

"But I'm not mad. I'm lovelorn. And horny."

"Yes, but if you're mad, I can't possibly defend myself when you have your wicked way with me." She closed her eyes and sagged against the desk. "Oh, Clark. You beast, you reprobate! I am helpless against you!"

He moved to her. "Yeah, you are."

She opened one eye as his hands moved up her legs. "You're not mad. I need you to be mad. Then I know I had absolutely no choice."

"But I'm about to have sex. What's there to be mad about?"

She nodded and stood up. "Then here." She moved to her console and pulled up a map on the big screen.

"What's that?"

"That's a crapload of kryptonite hidden all over. I've been stockpiling it in case your Kandorian buddies get powers and go nuts."

He nodded. "That makes sense, considering what we saw in the future."

"No, no, no!" She moved to him. "It's dangerous and could kill you. Now rip off my top!"

He shrugged in demonic delight and did so. "How dare you!"

"Good. That's good." She laid back on the desk. "Now rail at me about how deceptive and secretive I am."

"You've been decieving me all these years, you secretive slut!" He tore off her jeans

"Oh, please don't hurt me, Clark!" she pleaded, summoning a cower, then straightened. "Okay. Now tell me I'm just like Tess and how this is war and I'm going to lose."

"All that stuff, too!" He raged, making quick work of her panties and bra, then stopped, sighing. "I really missed seeing you naked."

She smiled. "Same. You should tear off your clothes in a fit of destructive anger."

"What?" He looked down. "This is my super badass outfit. It makes me look broody and complicated. I can't just..."

"How are you more dorky than regular Clark?" She leaned back nakedly. "Fine. Just undress speedily and I'll pretend you ripped it off in a fit of rage. And try to be a little mad, here, for my sake."

"I will."

"Does it help if Oliver knows about the weapons, too? Oliver who I have lots of sex with?"

He stilled, nearly naked. "That does make me kind of mad," he said, eyes flashing, "You're off having sex with everyone but me."

"Pfft! Like one guy. Besides, you could be having sex with Lois."

He chuckled. "Be serious."

She nodded. "Anyway, let's clear your head and have angry, barely consensual sex."

"Sounds good," he said, falling on her with poisonous passion.

"Remember," she said, biting at his neck. "This is totally against my will and I'm only putting up with it to help you."

He slid a hand between her legs. "Got it."

"I'm only wet because I'm determined to help despite how awful this is," she said, gripping his cock.

"Very helpful." His head was already clearing. Or at least all the blood was leaving it and settling south. "Pile Driver?"

"Hurts my neck. I think we should just go missionary."

"After all this time? Now I am getting mad," he said fiendishly, his eyes flashing, then burning as he turned away.

The air smoked and, when it cleared, his symbol was burned into her upper wall.

She sighed. "Guess now Watchtower can match the rest of the city."

"People like seeing my glorious symbol. it makes them sleep safe in their beds and helps me remember all the places I've been awesome at."

"Yeah. You and that kid who tags everything Wonka."

"Well, you just want to be boring. I mean missionary, for crying out..."

"Fine, fine. We'll go Earmuffs, then.Feedbag, then headrush..."

"Those are all for you. What about Headrest, Snake Charmer, Plumber..."

"Okay. we'll alternate."

And they did. Segueing into Butterfly, Downstroke, Launchpad, Pirate's Bounty, Prison Guard, a rather difficult bout of Big Dipper, which the desk severely suffered from and a relaxed, if splintery finish in Victory until Clark's mind, among other things, was completely empty.

"Did it work?" Chloe panted against his chest. "I mean, that's the only reason this happened. That and brute force."

He rolled over and took her with him. "I don't think there's anything in my head."

"So normal, then," she sighed. "Okay. Give me a minute to hydrate and we'll try again. Maybe a lube run. This might call for.body guard or jockey or..."

"Wait. I have a thought."

"Oh?" She pouted and rolled off him. "Darn."

"You have green kryptonite stockpiles."

"Yes. And?"

"Well, it's not like there are red kryptonite stockpiles."

"Mores the pity." She frowned. "But John knows he needs it to survive. He might just try the green out."

"Exactly. You're a lifesaver, Chloe." He disappeared, as did his clothes.

"Wait! You were supposed to tell me about Lex!" She groaned and fell back among the pieces of her broken desk. "Take what you need and leave. Just like regular Clark."



PART TWO (Conclusion)