Restless Nights (Chapter Twenty)

PREVIOUS CHAPTER

I’m not going to lie. This next chapter or two will be tough to write and it may be tough to read. I’ve been teasing Chlark having a fight and this one will be bringing up some hard stuff, things that I actually entertained not bringing up. But, in the end, I wanted them to put it all on the table, even the ugly bits, because I want them as strong as I can make them.

Dealing with events from Abyss directly with mentions of Bride, Identity, Vessel, Zod… a few more. In other words, big, ugly fight coming…

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse

Chapter Twenty

She shook her head as she stared at him. “Davis?”

“Chloe.” She could hear his voice, louder than hers, as if there was some sort of speaker beyond the glass. And he didn’t sound quite as surprised as she did.

She stepped further into the light. “You knew it was me?”

His eyes widened, glanced down, before meeting hers. “I knew they might want us to talk eventually. I didn’t think it would be this time of night.” His gaze slid to her belly again.

“How did you know I was here?”

“They told me a little. Emil, Sarah, Bart sometimes. Not a lot of uh… info, obviously.” His eyes moved over her stomach. “Just that you were awake, okay, and…” He trailed off as his gaze landed on her stomach again. “I also heard you,” Davis said, shaking his head and gesturing to a door off to the side. It was blocked on his side, but she suspected it led to the stairwell.

“They told me this was storage,” she said, leaning heavily against the wall as the elevator doors closed. 

He stepped forward, but stopped at the glass. “Are you okay?”

“Little surprised,” she said, laughing hoarsely. “Little dizzy.”

“There’s a few chairs there,” he said, nodding to the other side of the door. “I’d pull one up for you, but…” He tapped at the glass.

“It’s fine. Thank you.” She gathered herself and moved to a few chairs pushed against the wall.

“Take the green one. I think it’s more comfortable,” she heard him say. “At least, Sarah always uses that one.”

She sighed and pulled it closer to the glass. “So now I finally know what Sarah does around here.”

“Don’t you see Sarah, too? She said you did.” 

Chloe shrugged, then groaned as she sat. “That’s kind of recent. I was stupid enough to think she was the group’s counselor, as if any of them would open up. They’re pretty secretive with me, after all.”

Davis frowned and pulled up a chair of his own. “They never told you I was here?” 

“Not a word. I was led to believe this was storage space.”

“They don’t know you’re up here?”

“I stole Victor’s keys.”

“Victor. I don’t see him a lot. He’s the guy in charge, right?”

“Technically...” Oliver was footing the bills, but Victor did most of the planning and upkeep here. But Davis didn’t need to know the hierarchy. “It’s a round table kind of group.” She stood, not sure how to feel about discussing the gang with him. She looked around instead. “I was right before. This is a nice, little apartment.” Just a small studio, but there was a small bath and kitchenette and she knew there was a roof garden beyond the far door. She wondered if he got time outside.

“It’s not too bad, considering where I could be.”

She sat again, feeling overwhelmed. “I don’t get it. Have you been here all this time?”

“I was given a choice. Either they turn me into the authorities or I stay here with extensive therapy and a few accessories.” He glanced down. So did she, dimly seeing something blinking around his ankle.

“Can you go outside with that?”

“Not far. If I’m in the garden, it starts beeping if I get too close to the wall. It was a real bitch in the spring, getting to my tomatoes.”

She let out a surprised laugh. “You’re gardening?”

He shrugged. “Thought I’d learn. Never had a garden, growing up, as I was always in tenements. And I need something to do with my time. Been thinking of learning Mandarin.”

“God!” She shook her head blearily. Why were they talking about gardening? “How did this even happen?”

“They seemed to think there were extenuating circumstances the proper authorities wouldn’t take into account and that I’d learn… better ways to deal here.” He met her eyes sadly. “The cornfield killer wasn’t exactly a healthy coping mechanism. They think I have hope for rehabilitation, but sometimes I don’t know. I don’t know how I’d live out there, knowing what I did.”

She had nothing to say to that.

He sighed. “I guess I understand why they didn’t tell you about me. We’re kind of… damaged parties in all this. And most of the damage was my fault.”

“Davis…”

“It’s mine, isn’t it?” he asked miserably, staring at her stomach again. 

She didn’t see any point in denying it, so she said nothing.

“I’m so sorry I did this to you,” he said hoarsely.

“You didn't do this,” she said dully, resting a hand on her stomach. “I had an equal part in the events leading up to this.”

“But I know why now,” he said softly, though she still heard with the amplification. “It was for Clark.”

She couldn't deny it that there'd been attraction between them, but it wasn't something she would have ever acted on, not without the thought of Clark, there no matter how she tried to push all thoughts of him away at the time. “How are they treating you here?” she tried, knowing it was an obvious change of subject, but hoping he’d let her make it.

“I’m fed well. Sometimes Bart cooks things I like. Tells a few jokes.”

“Chef Boyardee?” Chloe smiled just a little. 

Davis huffed out a laugh. “Slightly better things than that. But I am stocked on that for when I cook for myself.”

“I still don’t know how you stomach it.”

As if on cue, his eyes drifted to her stomach again. “Chloe, why did you do it? Those nights…”

“I wanted to keep you calm,” she cut in. “It seemed like the only way when all else failed.”

“But you didn’t have to take it that far. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be sitting here with…”

“I did what… what I thought you needed.” As much as she tried to understand it, then, she might understand it more now. As much as she tried to explain her power over him as leftovers from Brainiac forging that bond between them, or even some buried healing energy from her meteor power. But it wasn’t any of those things. “You needed to be loved.”

“But you didn’t love me,” he said, a trace of bitterness in his voice.

“But you needed to feel loved.” She understood it, after Christmas night, the way Clark calmed her with his touch. Clark was her preferred touch as surely as she was Davis’. “I wanted you to feel loved and safe, from at least one person in your life.”

“It wouldn’t have worked, Chloe. Not forever.”

“Still, it was all I could think to do at the…”

”Watchtower, it’s dead here. Even the criminals are probably tucked in their beds.”

“Damn it,” she muttered, standing.

Davis stood as well. “What’s wrong?

“Nothing. Hold on.” She paced away, un-muting her headset. “Yeah. Cyborg. Hi.”

“I’ve been uptown, downtown, all over Suicide Slums. I think the criminals have clocked out for the night. I figure I’ll just come back early, give you an assist.”

“What? No!” She took a deep breath. “You don’t need to do that. I’m fine,” she said, calming her voice a little. “The others haven’t even called in for anything. Not in,” she checked her watch, “almost twenty minutes.” Damn it, she had to get everything back to normal!

“Yeah? Then I’m calling it for tonight. Tell the rest of them to come back to headquarters. I’ll be there in five.”

She stiffened and moved to press the elevator button several times. “Five? Aren’t you uptown?”

”I just told you. I moved to Suicide Slums. Anyway, It’s just eight blocks or so.”

“Yeah. Okay. See you soon. I’ll call the others.”

Davis knocked on the glass. “Chloe, what…”

She held a hand up, then muted her mouthpiece. “I’ll be right back,” she hissed as she got in. The elevator doors closed on his confused face. She was a little dazed herself. So much she still needed to know and so little time. Well, there might be a solution… if she just had enough time. 

She ran off the elevator, or as much as she could in her condition and rushed to the control room, glad that Victor didn’t have super speed. That drawer was filled with old radios, ones that were barely used and would surely not be missed. She quickly grabbed two, cursing as she untangled the chargers from the mass of cords.

She booked it back to the elevator, breathing heavily. She hadn’t had much exercise in her subterfuge lately. She also hadn’t worked out with Dinah this week, with her in Star City, and she was beginning to wish she’d found the time on her own.

“Here,” she gasped, when the elevator doors opened on the fourth floor.

Davis shook his head. “What…”

“It’s a radio,” she panted, moving to that hinged slot, shoving it through with a charger, “so we can talk.”

“Chloe, that’s not a good idea,” he said, picking it up. “If they don’t want us to talk, then maybe…”

“There’s no time. Just take it! I have to get back down there!”

“But…”

“We’ll talk,” she gasped, getting back on the elevator, trying to calm her breathing. She pulled out the key on three and ran down the hall as she heard the slight beep indicating the front door had been accessed. “Damn it, damn it, damn it!” She tossed the radio and charger in her purse, then quickly pulled up surveillance and turned it on real time even before she sat.

She heard heavy footsteps down the hall, then noticed the keys still dangling from one finger. She quickly tossed them across the floor, satisfied when they landed under a cabinet. She then picked up her chopsticks and a box.

She turned just as Victor strolled in. “Hey, there. I was just about to call the others in.”

He stopped, staring at her. “What’s wrong?”

“With me? Nothing.”

He frowned. “You’re breathing heavy and your face is all red.”

She rolled her eyes. “I know. I really need to go to the bathroom.”

“Well, go,” Victor said quickly. “Jesus! It’s not like you’re not allowed a break.”

“I was just going to.” 

“I can call the others in. Go on.”

“Thanks.” She stood, grabbing her purse and shutting that drawer with her hip as she passed. “Hey, aren’t those your keys under the cabinet?” she said as she walked out.

She stopped on the other side of the door, leaning against the wall, then wincing as something inside her let loose with several awfully hard kicks. “Sorry about all the aerobics,” she hissed. “It’s over now. Calm down,” she said softly, rubbing back and forth as the movement quieted. “That’s it. Calm down. You’re okay. We’re okay.”

She wasn’t sure she was telling the truth about that. How the hell was she supposed to face any of them now?

**********************

Chloe just sat on her couch, staring at a blank TV, trying to figure out what to do now, if anything. She hadn’t even turned on the radio, just shoved it into her nightstand drawer. 

She supposed she should act like nothing had changed. They obviously didn’t want her to know. But she’d felt terribly awkward when Bart came back and quickly begged off to go home. She didn’t want to even think about how to act with Clark.

They all knew Davis was there. All this time. More than half of a year, he’d been there. Maybe she should confront them, tell them she knew they’d been lying to her. But why were they lying to her? That was the thing that kept stopping her. They were giving her medical care, had been feeding her whenever she was around, providing counseling… All of it was about concern for her. As angry as she felt, she could understand that.

It didn’t stop her being angry, at the moment, and even angrier at a knock on her door. She knew who it had to be. 

She opened it only a few inches. “What?”

“Hey, I know it’s late.”

“Yes, it is.”

“I just wanted to check in.” Clark leaned against the door jamb and shrugged. “You did really good tonight, not that I didn’t expect you to. I mean, you did it before. I just…”

“Yeah. Thanks. But it is late, so I’ll see you tomorrow.” She started to close the door.

“Wait…” He stopped it. “Are you mad at me?”

“No,” she lied. 

“I know I’ve been kind of pushy with the… us things, but I keep thinking one of us has to be or we'll never…”

“Clark, it’s too late to talk about this.”

“Yes, it is.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. Well, you really were on top of things tonight. I just wanted you to know that.” He smiled.

Suddenly, she felt even angrier. She opened the door wider and pulled him in. “Why are you always like this?”

He shook his head and stared at her. “Like what?”

“Why is it always me?” She paced away. “You get to be the steadfast hero while I’m always the angry, unreasonable shrew.”

“So you are angry!”

She didn’t know if she had a right to be, but she was. “Why aren’t you ever angry? Don’t you get mad at me?”

“Of course I do.”

She stopped in front of him. “About what?”

“Chloe, it’s late. You just said…”

“That didn’t stop you from coming here,” she prodded. “Didn’t stop you from pushing your way into my space.”

“You pulled me in!”

“Exactly. It’s always me, isn’t it?” She threw up her hands. “I’m always the bad guy.”

He just squinted at her. “I don’t know what you want from me right now.”

“I… I…” She crossed her arms. “I want to fight.”

“What?”

“Sarah said we should fight, didn’t she?”

“Sure, but…”

“Hey, this is for my therapeutic benefit.”

“We don’t even have anything to fight about.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be giving me all the various things I need?”

His eyes narrowed. “Why do you always act like that’s some strike against me?”

“See? There! You found one.” She nodded. 

“No, I didn’t.”

“I frustrate you.”

“Chloe, in your condition…”

“Forget my condition!”

“It’s three in the morning. You have neighbors.”

She shut her mouth, staring blankly at him for a moment before she recovered. “Then take me to your house.”

“Chloe…”

“I’m pretty sure we could bring the roof down with no one the wiser out there.” She paced away, picked up her purse and her keys, shoving them in. “We can get all the shit out.” Maybe not the recent shit, but there was plenty more to…

“I think you’re overtired and maybe a little hormonal,” he said gently, moving to her. “So why don’t we just talk about this in the mor…”

She pushed at him, though he barely budged. “Don’t do that. Don’t mansplain my own moods to me.” She pulled at his shirt. “I’ll sleep when I feel like sleeping. Take me to the farm.”

He stared at her, glared a little. Good. She wanted him angry. “Fine,” he ground out, picking her up. She dimly heard her door shut before everything turned to a blur.

***************

He set her down in front of the back door before opening it, flipping on a light. “Sorry about the mess.”

She stepped in and looked around. “It’s fine.” But it was pretty damned messy compared to the last time she’d seen the place.

He gathered several shirts and a pile of socks that it looked like he was attempting to pair off the table. “It’s just… I pretty much come here to sleep and change and take care of the…” He trailed off, looking embarrassed.

“Animals?”

“Sometimes, I think about selling them. They barely do anything but eat and sleep here, same as me,” he said as he kept picking up. “I think even the cows are bored of me. I have to ask Ben Hubbard to milk them most of the time. I’m just barely here between work and…”

“Clark, stop. It’s fine. I’m not inspecting the place.” She placed her purse on the counter.

He sighed and moved into the dining room, dropping the clothes before coming back in. “Do you want some tea or something? I don’t have a lot of different kinds. If I knew you were coming…”

“I don’t need any tea,” she cut in, pulling out a chair and dropping herself into it, suddenly feeling tired and just a little less angry. Of course he wasn’t here. He was always hanging around her, bending over backward to make her life easier. Why the hell was she picking this fight? Because the group hadn’t let her in on Davis? What gave her the right to know every decision they ever made? And, honestly, she almost wished she didn’t know. It certainly complicated things and it wasn’t as if she needed any more of that.

Clark took the seat across from her. "How do you want to do this?"

She stared at the table. “I don’t know.” Now that she was here, it felt strange even thinking of fighting with him. This kitchen alone held so many memories of them, making cocoa, studying, stealing Martha’s cookies. And maybe there was some bickering, but almost nothing that happened here had ever resembled an actual fight. She was trying to remember if anything they ever did resembled a real, honest to goodness fight.

Clark sighed across the table “Then I don’t know what you want. I don't know how to fight with you. I feel like, whenever we've gotten mad at each other, we avoid each other.” He shrugged. “Then something horrible happens and then we just... we take care of it and... hug at the end.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s gone,” she said softly. “If we never deal with it...”

“I’m not saying it’s the number one way to do things. It’s just… It’s what we’ve done.” He leaned over the table. “Do you seriously want to bring up everything we ever fought about? Most of those things were erased once you knew my secret. Maybe we’ve disagreed sometimes, but we never…”

“It’s not even that we never fight, it’s that you don’t. I feel like I’m always the one lashing out and getting angry and you… Clark, it’s like I never know what you feel, not the hard stuff. And I know you keep saying you and me are not you and Lana, but this is one place where it’s a mirror image.”

He shook his head. “We deal with hard stuff all the…”

“Not personal hard stuff. You never get angry at me.”

“Of course I do. I tell you all the time how frustrated…”

“Frustrated isn’t angry.”

“Maybe that’s because I’m not angry at you,” he said tightly. “You've been through a lot and... and I don't think blaming you or anyone is the answer.”

“So you do think there's blame,” she said, latching onto that. They were getting somewhere despite everything.

“Chloe, what’s the point of…”

“What if I wasn't sitting here pregnant, Clark? Would you light into me then?”

He stared at her for what seemed like a long time, saying nothing.

“I heard what you said to Dinah,” she prodded, “just before you came to hug me and pretend everything was forgotten.”

“But I told you then, I didn’t mean…”

“Yes. And you told me before this came up,” she said, gesturing to her belly, “that we weren’t going to go over the past. That we both did things we regret, but it didn’t matter now. But those things do matter. And if we never face them…”

“Chloe, I don’t want to know,” he cut in, standing up and pacing to the counter. “I don’t… I don’t want you to know mine, either. If you knew--” He stopped.

“If I knew what?”

He didn’t turn. “We can go on without this. Chloe, we can stop this now. How are we supposed to look at each other after tonight if we air all this…”

“Realistically,” she broke in.

“… this stuff that barely even matters?” he finished.

She stared at his back. “Which is it? Is it something that barely matters or something that changes everything?”

“Maybe it’s both.” He turned. “I thought we agreed to start again.”

She stood, taking a deep breath. “We never kept secrets, not for years now. I don’t want to start again if it means we’re hiding things. I want it all on the table tonight. I’ll tell you anything.” God, she didn’t want to. But she would. Sebastian Kane. She could still hear her own voice. The human mind is simply a highly sophisticated computer. Download too much information, and it crashes. And all the data's lost…

“You have to understand. He’d already taken everything away.”

She pulled herself from her own thoughts and back to him. “What?

“I just thought that, if you didn’t have it all back, you’d be safe.” He tore his eyes away from her, stared at the floor. “But it didn’t work.”

“What didn’t work?”

“You weren’t safe,” he said as if she hadn’t spoken. “The beast still found you and then… then it was as if it never happened. And I thought that was… that was a good thing. Because you told me you didn’t want to forget and I still… I thought it was like a good sign that you didn’t know. That we could just pretend it never happened.”

“Clark, what are you talking about?”

He met her eyes again. “Brainiac had already taken your memories away. And I told Jor-El to put them back, but… Chloe, you have to understand…”

She shook her head. “Understand what? I have almost nothing of that time. Even the wedding was like some surreal dream… or a nightmare,” she finished, vaguely flashing on the beast, leaning over her. “I barely remember it.”

“I know. And I know why.”

She sat again, hard. “Clark, you can’t beat yourself up over failing to keep me safe from Brainiac. He was beyond the both of us. There was nothing we could do.”

“This wasn’t something Brainiac did,” he said softly. “Chloe, just let me say it or I never will.” He moved to the table and took his chair again. “Brainiac was taking your memories, everything but Davis.”

“Yes. I kno… Well, I don’t know. But I know I had some memory issues due to him infecting me, but after the Legion…”

“Yes. The Legion leeched him out of you and, in the end, they undid his work, as if he was never there. But between things… Chloe, I brought you to Jor-El to heal you. To restore your memories.”

She blinked at him. “I’m sorry. I don’t remember that. But thank you for…”

“Don’t thank me,” he hissed, squeezing his eyes shut. “You wouldn’t remember. You weren’t supposed to.” He opened them again. “For you, all that time between Brainiac erasing your life and taking it over was a blur. For me, it was… It was agony. But I wanted you to be happy.”

She reached across the table and took his hand. “Okay. So it was hard for you. Clark, I wish I could remember or have been there or…”

“No. Let me finish,” he broke in harshly, gripping her hand back. “Chloe, I wanted Jor-El to undo the damage. I wanted him to give you your life back.”

“I know. I guess it didn’t work. You can’t blame yourself for…”

“Without my secret,” he finished, looking down.

“What?” She breathed out a laugh. “But I know everything I ever…”

“When the Legion removed Brainiac, they undid his work," he said softly, pausing for a long time. "And mine," he finally added.

She pulled her hand from his. “No. You didn’t…”

“Your memories were already gone. I just… I thought I was helping you. I thought you’d be happier.”

She stood. “Happier blind? I still struggle with what I do and don't remember in those months and if you, you of all people, had some part in it..."

“I only meant to…”

“You decided what I could and could not have of my own fucking life?" She paced into the dining room.

"And it didn't stick," she heard him say behind her.

"Some of it did, Clark. Some of it stuck.” She whirled on him. “That whole month was nothing but holes and blanks. And I thought it was Brainiac! But it was you!”

“I thought you’d be happier without the burden of…”

“Of your secret? After four years? Do you even know how much of my life was tied up in you and your secret even before I knew? My daily life? But you... You didn't think about that. You just played God and smiled benevolently while you let me walk down the aisle like some clueless baby. Hell, you even marched me down it yourself!"

“I thought you didn’t remember the wedding,” he said dully.

"I don't. I saw the video. That week before was so… I… I thought I was having some kind of PTSD reaction and that was why, but then I'd remember pieces, times when I said things or did things that didn't make any sense." She drew in a harsh breath. "And now I know why. You did that to me.”

"It didn't stick," he said again, staring at the floor. "Brainiac still took you over. It didn't work."

"It sure as hell didn't," she said with a bitter laugh. "In fact, you probably sped things up."

He looked up at that. "How do you figure..."

"Think about it, Clark. Everything changed because of what you did."

"What?"

"You took my memories and..."

"And you got them back," he broke in, sounding impatient.

"Oh, my God!" She stared hard at him. "You wish I hadn't."

He threw up his hands. "Look what happened to you, Chloe!”

“Let’s leave that out of this. I was…” 

“If you didn't know, you could have been happy. You could have just had a normal life!"

"Clark, I was running a foundation for the meteor infected. How the hell do you think that would have gone considering half of my knowledge on that came from you?"

"Well, maybe it wasn't good for that, but you wouldn't have wanted to protect me and..."

"And you'd be dead," she growled.

"Maybe not. If I'd found another way... If I'd just left you out of it..."

"Clark, I would have been in it no matter what. Brainiac made sure Davis felt connected to me and me to him. I could only see it later, but Brainiac took those feelings I had and just switched them on for Davis."

He stared at her. "Feelings for who?"

She suspected he knew who. She paced away, not in the mood to make this romantic right now. “Without Brainiac pulling my strings, I might have lost that lovin' feeling, okay? But Davis didn't. Jesus, Clark! He was shifted from foster home to foster home and had no one. Even a hint of... of anything, any kind of feeling from another human being and he was gone, Brainiac or no. And if I didn't have this history with you and didn't know what he was, I don't know how I would have reacted. Maybe with more fear, maybe I'd have run and maybe I wouldn't have gotten away when the beast took over and maybe he would have killed me in a fit of..."

“Don’t say it.” He shuddered. "The beast wasn't the only monster. It was the man that..."

"It was the man that lived with that beast. It was the man that was poisoned by it. He wanted to be good." She leaned against the dining room table. "I still believe that. Or maybe I just want to.” No. She did. Even tonight, talking to him, she saw deep regret in Davis’ eyes. 

"You were going to marry Jimmy, anyway," Clark said levelly. "That's all that happened that week. I know what I did was wrong, but saying I sped things up is..."

"Oh, I'm right about that," she cut in, moving toward him. "How the hell do you think things would have turned out, Clark, with me being romanced by the man with the double life and none the wiser on how dangerous it was?"

"I wasn't thinking about that. I just wanted you to be happy. And nothing changed!"

"Nothing changed because it went the way it went! How the hell do you know what would have happened if I knew who the hell I really was and what was really going on?"

"And what would you have done? Run off with him earlier instead of being taken or..."

"Why do you keep making this about Davis? This is about you." She moved closer to him. "If I came back, knowing what Brainiac was doing, I would have been suspicious of Davis and I sure as hell would have postponed that wedding."

"What? You had that date set for months."

"And do you think it would have mattered, Clark? Would it have meant anything that I had some date marked on a calendar if I had even an inkling that you were in danger? You come first! You always did!" She backed away slightly. “You always do."

He stared at her hard. "You wouldn’t have married Jimmy?”

"I... Jimmy seemed very easy to love." She grew silent, staring at the rug. "Who couldn't love a guy like him? He was sweet and good and normal and... it was like a sin not to love him. I wish I did. I wished it so hard." She leaned against the china cabinet, shaking her head. "His name wasn't even Jimmy. You know that?"

"Well, I know he was going by Henry James Olsen in rehab, but I never knew before that."

"I did. I found out after our engagement party. He told me about his family, about his drunk father, about how he never wanted to be called by his father's name, how he worried about his brother, still stuck with him. He... told me a lot that night. And I remember thinking that he'd been through so much that he never told me and how I'd been through so much I never told him and I thought about coming clean that night. But I didn't."

Clark nodded. "Because it was my secret. It wasn't yours to tell. You can’t blame yourself for…"

"No," she said softly. "Because I was selfish. Because I didn't want to give him all of me. Even though he gave me everything he'd been holding back that night, I couldn't. And I knew why. But I refused to be honest about it, even with myself. And he loved me so much," she said haltingly, "that I thought if I just married him, gave him what I could of me, then it would even out in the end. I could have something normal and... and..."

"Easy," Clark finished, nodding to himself. “I wanted that for you.”

"Easy," she said derisively. "Is that what you think it was?"

"Well, he was out of our..."

"It wasn't easy with Jimmy, Clark. It was pleasant and normal when I could just push away everything else in my life and maybe that's supposed to mean it's easy, but... that doesn't exactly translate to easy. I had to hide who I am and what I do." She looked at him sharply. "And before you make that all about you. It wasn't. I needed to keep some of myself for... just me." She moved away from the china cabinet and into the living room. "Even though he gave me everything about him. He didn't need to keep things. I did. And I know why now. Even after he knew, that awful night, in that split second when I thought about our life together, I didn't think it would be easy. Because he can be let in, sure. And maybe that would have cured all the mistrust between us, but the bottom line was that he wouldn't come first and I don't think him knowing why would have been a good thing."

"I don’t know. I think Jimmy would have understood if the fate of the world..."

"I'm not talking about the world. I'm talking ab..." She turned away. "Never mind. Just... Easy isn't always a good thing," she said softly. "Easy isn't even easy. Anyway, I... I wouldn't have gone through with it. Not if I knew all the reasons I shouldn't. Not in the end. I never felt what I should, that... connection, that pull, that thing that tells you don't have to hide a thing. It was never right and marrying him only made it more wrong." She speared Clark with her gaze, moving to him. "And after it was done, something kept telling me it was wrong, but I kept trying to make it right, make it fit, and I wouldn't have had to go through it if that wedding hadn't happened. I wouldn't have done it if I just knew why not to. It didn't have to be that way. Do you get that now?"

“I think I do. Chloe, you have to know… I know it was wrong. But if we can get past what I did…” He moved closer, hands slipping to her shoulders.

“Oh, no.” She backed away. “Don’t start that. We’re not ending this with a hug. It’s not that simple. I need to know that you get it, Clark. Because you making decisions like this with some idea of it being for my own good,” she sneered. “This isn’t how we work.” 

His eyes softened. “So there’s still a ‘we’?”

“Clark…”

He took a deep breath. "You think that, if your memories had been intact, you wouldn't have gone through with marrying Jimmy and everything else would be different, too. Maybe better. And maybe you’re right. But what happened happened. We can’t change it now."

“I’m not saying we can,” she said tiredly. “But if I'd known what was going on… that would have taken priority over a wedding. There were other things – things about Jimmy and I, things that had me second guessing even before then. I pushed them away because I so wanted it to work with Jimmy, but... Well, add in Brainiac and a horned monster and I would have known the timing was off. I..." 

“What other things?”

She just stared at him. “It wasn’t completely right with me and Jimmy. And he knew it. Half the stuff I’m saying to you now, he said to me months ago. Granted, he’s had a little more time to think about this with me in a coma. But he was right. If I put it off then…” She closed her eyes and sank to the couch. "I can almost see it, like a slideshow in my head. I tell Jimmy I want to postpone. He asks why, he gets angry, maybe calls it off altogether. I'd be miserable and guilty, but there are more important things to deal with. There always were with Jimmy. We kept hitting that same, damned wall."

"What had you second guessing before I..." He stopped himself.

"Turned my brain into swiss cheese?" she supplied with a glare. She shrugged sadly. "Just... things. Like how easy it was for me to keep Jimmy out of the loop when he almost found out. I just never second guessed it. It was almost like I didn't want him in this, not just for his safety, but because... It wasn't his.” She sat back. “I remember Davis and I were sitting at a sidewalk cafe, back when he just a friendly paramedic to me. I remember telling him that everything with him was so easy, marveling at it, really. I mean, we hardly knew each other then, but there it was. And he asked if I'd ever felt that way with anyone before and I said I had once. He assumed it was Jimmy and... I wanted so bad to answer that it was him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t." Her eyes met Clark’s. 

"What was so great about him?" Clark asked through clenched teeth. "I mean, you take the monster out of the equation and I don't get..."

"Davis?"

"Well, you keep going on about this easy, perfect connection with him."

"You mean what I just said once? God, Clark!”

“Still…”

“It was a connection that was formed by Brainiac," she said loudly. "Brainiac took those feelings I had and just switched them on for Davis."

"Those feelings for who, again?" Clark asked, a little too eagerly.

Her eyes narrowed and she got up from the couch, pacing into the dining room. "Never mind who." She didn’t want this to devolve into some lovefest before she could tell him…

He followed her. "If it was enough to draw you to Davis, then it must have been pretty intense."

“Clark, let’s get back on topic, here.”

"You already said it wasn't Jimmy. Come on, Chloe. Who else..."

She whirled on him. "It was you, you ass! Happy now?”

He started to smile. 

“Don’t,” she warned. She was still angry , but it was tempered with fear. As much as she wanted to wipe that smile away, she didn’t know how he’d look at her when she told him about Sebastian Kane. “We haven’t touched what I…”

“Chloe, I’m not angry about it,” he cut in.

“You don’t even know…”

“Maybe I was angry at times. Hell, I was pissed. But ever since you healed me, it was like…”

“So I get a free pass? You save people all the time. Does that mean all your bullshit gets to slide?” She shook her head. “No. Let’s go there, Clark.” She moved to the dining room table and took a seat. “Let’s get into what you were so angry about.” It would give her time – time to prepare the words. Because she had to tell him about Sebastian Kane by the end, as much as it would hurt.

“But I’m not angry,” he insisted… again.

“You were. I heard you and Dinah that day, right before you came down to the kitchen to hug me and pretend none of it ever happened.”

He took a seat across from her. “Listen, you were right about what I did. Maybe I’ll even see how right you are with more time to think about…”

“No. You tell me, Clark. I’m sick of doing all the damned work in this fight,” she said hotly. “Get mad at me, damn it!”

“I don’t have a reason to,” he said tightly.

“Because you maybe possibly love me?”

“If you want to put it that way,” he growled.

“Do you really feel that way or are you just feeling guilty?”

“Wha…”

“Things happen to me. You seem to find a way to make it all your fault. Maybe we’re more like you and Lana than you think. Maybe I’m just another way to assuage this guilt you keep insisting on feeling and…”

His eyes narrowed. “If you think that, then you don’t know me anymore.”

“What am I supposed to think?” she broke in, digging in harder. She was getting to him. “Are you going to put me up on some pedestal like you did her? Pretend I’m perfect, then get all hurt when I prove I'm not? Maybe you don’t know me!”

“What the hell do you want from me, Chloe?” He stood, upending his chair. “Do you want me to say I was fucking angry you left? Because I was. I think I destroyed at least three of Lana’s damned pink file cabinets when you said…” He paced away. “You said you were leaving and it was all for me.”

“Because it was!”

“How was that for me? If you knew me at all, you should have known that was the last thing I wanted! Because look what I did for you! The countless saves, taking your memories of his secret away just to make you happy.” He stopped, holding up a hand as her mouth opened. “Yes, it was fucked up, but I did it and so many damned other things to keep you in my life. The idea that you would throw it all away, run off and throw your life away with Davis and tell me it was all for me is…”

“It was!" She stood leaned over the table. "I went with him for you."

"Did you sleep with him for me?" His voice was bitter.

She sat back down. Now they were getting to it. “I had to keep Davis away from you and from hurting others,” she said softly. “I had to stop him from becoming the monster, stop those black-outs."

“How many times?” she heard him say, almost growl.

She looked up. “Does it matter?”

"I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t all about protecting me. Maybe you had other reasons." He moved closer and leaned over the table. "Emil told me a few things after you left. He told me you were meeting with him just before you left with Davis, trying to find ways to isolate the monster from the man. You wanted to save him."

"So did you. You came up with the black K plan. Does that mean you wanted to fuck him?"

"You can't compare the two," he said hotly. "We weren't drawn to each other like you two."

"That was Brainiac. He drew Davis to me and me to him. Without that, he'd have been nothing but some nice paramedic I saw sometimes. It's not my fault Davis couldn't let go of that manipulation."

"Nice paramedic?" Clark scoffed, moving away.

"I didn't know that the monster had affected the man so much! I never intended it to go there,” she said miserably. “A few naughty dreams don't mean I was going to..."

"Naughty dreams?" His eyes widened as he turned to her.

"God, why did I say that?" She squeezed her eyes shut. 

"You were attracted to him!" He paced away. “That’s the worst fucking part, Chloe. Because when Eva Greer… when I found her pretending to be you, I should have known. But I didn’t want to. Isn’t that pathetic? I held her as she shook, I served her tea in front of the fire and wanted her to be you. I thought of all our little chats, our little moments, thinking it didn't mean nothing anymore. You were back. You were safe. She told me…” He stopped, staring at the empty fire place. “I was disgusted when she implied what Davis must have done to shake her up so much in those seedy motels and… Do you want to know the sickest part?”

She didn’t answer. 

“I was relieved,” he went on softly. “She said she escaped him and I liked it a damned lot better than the idea of you touching him. It was like I was validated by her obvious fear and disgust? If you didn’t want him, you were… God, I don’t know if I even thought it consciously at the time. But it was like you were still mine.” He grew silent for a long time. “But she wasn’t you. She was a stranger working for Tess. And I felt sorry for her death, sorry that I was the last person she saw when she might have liked her family with her, her real friends...” He turned his head to her. “But all that I could think about was you. Still out there, still with Davis. And maybe you were sharing a motel room right at that moment. And maybe you didn't mind at all.”

She couldn’t lie, couldn’t say there wasn’t pleasure in those desperate moments. But he had to know… “I did mind. It wasn’t something I wanted. It was a last resort.”

“You were dreaming about him!”

"I can't control what I dream. And you know how those dreams ended? With you mounted on the wall like a bleeding trophy. Those weren’t dreams. They were nightmares! And they told me to keep him away from you! And I tried! I refused to think of you. But you were always there.”

He turned fully to her, shaking his head. “What?”

“The first time I touched him that way… you were there. Because I had to protect the people around us. Even seedy motels have a few innocent people and I didn’t want them violently gored by the beast. But you… you were the reason I went through with it. It was for you, Clark. Even that was…”

“How can you say that?” He squeezed his eyes shut. “The last thing I wanted was you touching him!”

“I didn’t know that! Jesus, Clark, you were fresh off mourning Lana for the millionth…”

“But you were attracted to him,” Clark insisted again. “You couldn’t have kept it up if you weren't."

"Fine!” She threw her hands up and stood. “He’s an attractive man. It doesn’t mean I would have done anything without the circumstances being…”

“Did you want to get away with him? Deep down? Did you…”

“No! I didn’t want to be away from everything and everyone that I knew for some man I hardly knew! Do you actually need to hear me say that?”

He stared at the floor. “I think I do.”

“Is that what you think?” She moved around the table. “He was hot and interested in me. Is that all it takes, Clark? I just jump at the first guy to show interest in me?”

His eyes met hers, hard now. “Maybe you do. I remember quite a few meteor freaks you barely knew who almost killed you and…”

“Oh, you want to break out the ancient history books tonight?”

“I warned you about them and you still…”

“Well, forgive me for thinking you had an ulterior motive at the time. You seemed to show zero interest in me until some other guy looked my way. Then there was suddenly something awful about them!”

“That’s not true! I never said a word about Jimmy when you just threw him in my face!”

“In your face? How do you figure that?”

“You kissed me, Chloe. And I sat trapped in the Phantom Zone with the taste of you still on my lips and thinking… maybe now we might really…”

“Oh, so you thought you’d finally try with me? How giving of you!”

“It wasn’t like that! And it wasn’t like you ever made it easy. Every time it seemed like we might actually try, you backed off damned quick and you know it! Jesus! Any time I tried to tell you I cared, even just in a friendly way, you brushed it off with a stupid joke!”

“Because you… I didn’t want to…”

“And this was the worst one. Because I had to stand there and watch you flirt with some man-boy that you called Jimmy and that called himself James. And…”

“Here I thought you liked Jimmy!”

“I did! I could even get it, Chloe, why you wanted someone like him, someone normal. But why… when…” He gripped her arms. “When are you ever mine?” He pulled her in, meeting her lips.

She kissed him back just as hard, gripping his shoulders, his neck, his hair… anything she could touch.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

So some of you might recognize bits of dialogue as being from How We Got Here. Honestly, I delved into these issues so thoroughly in that fic, I found myself struggling to find new ways to say it.

Honestly, this is something I come up against in SV fic in general. Almost anything I want to say, I’ve already said, in one fic or another. It’s one of the reasons I want to break away and work on original things once I’ve finished my four remaining requested fics. 

In other words, sorry to borrow dialogue I’ve already written. I just didn’t want to find new ways to say something I think I said as well as I could the first time around 

I just have to start another request fic, then I'll be back to this one for another (the final?) two.