Almost Lovers (Chapter Twenty-Four)

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PREVIOUS CHAPTER

This chapter is all flashback and all Lana POV (LanaVision, if you will). Callbacks to scenes from Almost Clark, scenes from Smallville's Subterranean, Combat, Progeny, Almost Chloe... basically all the show up to season six and all this series up to... now.  Also, borrowed an element from season 7 – the Lana clone, to be exact. I mean, she first appeared in season 6, but she wasn’t given her number till later.

What was Lana doing with herself all this time? Most of you guessed a lot of what I’m about to reveal. But might as well get it all out. 

Using a few passages from the other fics where appropriate, just to show timeline.

By the way, I did write a more proper break-up scene for Clana in flashback, in this chapter:

http://planetoftheapril.blogspot.com...enty-four.html

I’d go through the whole scene from her POV, but this is going to take so long anyway, so I hope you don’t mind if I skip to the aftermath with some quotes.

But I will be revisiting some parts that involved Lana from her POV.

I have written and rewritten bits of this chapter, trying to tie it all up concisely, but it just kept taking too many words. So it's a long one.

Chapter 24

Lana sat in the long drive leading up to Lex's house. Just sat there. She didn't know what else to do. All of her plans had turned to nothing. Every single one. And it was all because of him. She didn't know what to do except glare at his house. It accomplished nothing. He wasn't even in it. The ghost of Lionel Luthor had been charged with her murder. That ruined the first plan. Lex would be free now. She couldn't stay in Smallville.

Well, you wouldn't have been able to stay anyway. Even with Lex in jail, his deceased wife couldn't go reintroducing herself. 

Her eyes hardened further, remembering Chloe's words. Chloe had been set against her from the start. Chloe might have hugged her at first, cried and said she couldn't believe she was alive, but that didn't last long. As soon as Lana told her that her death wasn't something she escaped, but something she planned, Chloe cooled off quickly. She frowned and turned up the AC. She really should stop making plans. They never worked out.

But maybe they could have. Maybe Plan B. Clark could be next to her right now. After all this time fighting to have him, they could have been on their way to Florida, to a new life together. But he'd rejected her, rejected the normal, happy life they could have had together. Work to do, he'd said, tossing in words like destiny, gifts, a world that needs him. And then he kissed her and, she thought, just for a second, that he'd come with her.

Goodbye, Lana.

Just two words and he crushed everything in her. Then he made it worse...

"I'm not judging you. I know that... Well, I know that this was what you thought you had to do." He shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe it was. But I can't live a lie." He glanced back at the house. Her eyes followed, wondered what he was seeing. "At least not anymore."

"It's not a lie if we make it true," she pleaded. Chloe. Chloe was at the house. She couldn't deny she'd had her suspicions Chloe was doing more than just staying there while Mrs. Kent was away, but... Did any of that matter if Clark was with her in the end? "Maybe my name isn't Lorna, but... You... you're more than just Clark Kent, but you've lived this way for years and..."

"I'm not talking about the names, Lana. I'm talking about the fact that... Well, you're still married. That doesn't change with a name."

"Clark, I was never married to him. Not deep down."

Damn it, she wasn't! If it weren't for the pregnancy... If it weren't for Lionel's threats... If it weren't for Clark, always keeping her on edge and unsure of how he felt...

And, right now, she found herself blindingly angry at Clark.

"All these years, after all we've been through, it's... It's like we've put so much into this that we'll never admit that..." He shook himself and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force out the words he'd hardly allowed himself to think. "It's never going to be... us. I think that's why it's always been so hard. It was never right."

She hated those words, she hated them so much. Because, without Clark, without the hope of him waiting after everything, what did she have? "But it was. I remember times..."

"I do, too. I remember moments. There were always these little moments, but... over all, it was always never enough to stay together. You know that as well as I do. It was never... easy with us."

She swiped hard at her eyes, so angry now. "Clark, you bring pretty complicated things into a relationship. You can't blame me for things I didn't know. I don't think it would be easy for anyone."

He glanced down. "It can be," he whispered. "When it's right." 

Why wouldn't he just say it? Why was he always like this? Half answers or outright lies, but always with this wide-eyed sincerity. It drove her insane. She even asked him, asked him outright. And he still wouldn't say it!

"Lana, this isn't about Chloe."

But he paused, just enough to tell her it was. They'd been living together, after all. Lana wasn't even sure how long it had been going on.

"Don't you see that we never..."

"Clark, if you give me one more heartfelt speech, I'm going to scream. Just... Just let me go now while I still have some dignity."

And here she was. She couldn't say her dignity was intact, though. Right now, it felt like everything in her was broken to bits. It didn't help, staring at Lex's house. It had even been hers once. She could barely believe she'd been excited about that once.

Lex, there were 2,000 people in line for that art exhibit, and suddenly the ocean parted, and I was escorted past everyone. I realized that money isn't just luxury, Lex. It's power... Think of all the good we can do in the world.

How silly she was. How naive. Was that really only a year ago? Still, it could have been true, if Lex had been a better man. All that money, all the things it could have done for the world, starting with this town, her town... And where did it go? Secret projects, most of which she still barely understood.

"My town," she said on a sob. It was all she ever cared about, that and Clark. Preserving its history, making it all it could be. In the absence of parents, with all the lies around her birth, with Aunt Nell always disinterested, this town had become her only constant. And now she wouldn't even have this. "I hate you," she breathed, not even sure who she was saying it to. Maybe to Lex. Maybe to Nell. Maybe to Henry Small. Maybe to Clark and Chloe. Maybe to herself. 

Lex would be released today. Maybe a town car would be pulling up in moments. She had to leave. Why couldn't she move?

She did move, though, when the gates opened, ducked down with one eye on the road. She straightened with a sigh. It was just a van. EZ Move. That was strange, though. She would expect gardeners or cleaners. Why would anything be moved out of Lex's home if he were coming back to it. Then again, maybe he'd spend more time at the penthouse now and...

Her eyes widened, then narrowed as she saw who was in it. Two women. And she knew them both -- one of them very well. She pulled out of the brush and onto the road, staring at the van ahead of her, speeding up. She wasn't even sure what she was doing. She just knew she had a focus for her latred right now. Doctor Albright. One car length ahead of her.

"Where's Dr. Langston?" she huffed, everything in her screaming. Something was wrong. “Is the baby all right?"

"He didn't return my page, so I called in Dr. Albright. She's been my family doctor for years."

"You're going to be fine, Mrs. Luthor,” the dark-skinned woman said, her voice almost annoyingly cheerful. “You just need to get some rest."

She turned back to Lex, ignoring the woman. She didn’t know her. She knew Doctor Langston. "Is the baby all right?" she repeated to Lex. Because it had to be. She’d resigned herself to this marriage now, this life with Lex. She could love him, couldn’t she, for the sake of the baby?

"Could you give us a minute?" Lex said to the woman. That wasn’t an answer. He sat her down on the bed.

“Lex?”

Then he'd told her about the miscarriage. The miscarriage of the baby that never was! And Doctor Albright was there, supporting his lies, overseeing her "care" in the weeks following. She wouldn't have even found out about it if she hadn't been attacked. She remembered that other doctor, the one not on Lex's payroll, smirking at her, asking her if she took pills or injections to fake her pregnancy, all the while she could feel the lies closing in on her.

And this woman – this Luthor family physician – she’d known all the lies. Lana didn’t even stop to think of what she was doing. She sped up even more, satisfied when her bumper connected with the back of the van… once… twice. She’d make her stop. She’d… Then what? Did she even have a plan for this?

She barely cared when the van did stop. She didn't need a plan. She just wanted to look her in the eyes. One, just one of the people that made her life what it was now should answer for it.

She got out of the car and slammed the door. “What does he pay you?” Lana screamed as she stalked up to the door, grabbing the woman by the arm when it opened. “Was it enough?” She was older, it almost made Lana rethink punching her. Then she remembered her chirpy, condescending bedside manner and… She swung, but felt herself grabbed from behind. “Let me go!”

Albright had the nerve to smile. “Mrs. Luthor…”

“Don’t you call me that! That’s not who I am. You’re not who you…” She struggled against the arms holding her. It was the other woman. She knew her, too. She was another Mrs. Luthor. Another supposed doctor. “Are you even a doctor?” she growled, trying to jam an elbow back. “Is she? Or is she just a gold-digging…”

The younger woman gripped her harder. “Don’t you call me that,” she hissed. 

“Oh, Helen,” Albright sighed. “Don’t bother.” She reached into the van, pulling out a bag. “I seriously doubt she’ll listen to reason right now.” She reached into it. “This will only hurt for a sec…”

“No.” A syringe. She had a syringe. “No!” Lana pulled and kicked, but the other woman was stronger. She found herself wrestled to the ground. She barely had a second to consider if screaming for help would do more harm than good when she felt the prick and then… nothing.

************

The clone women. I mean, they were all the same model. Skinny things. Mindless. Completely unaware. We inseminated them, but... When we enhanced the fetus, when we improved it, the pregnancy accelerated. It depleted them of their nutrients, their stored fat so fast. And we tried... We tried just fattening them up, but there was something missing. Another happy accident. One of them, she developed PCOS. We thought it would derail the entire thing, but it was a Godsend. It provided some protection to the womb. The clones... they were a good starting point. But we needed real women, natural women. We didn't hurt them. No one would have noticed, anyway. Just streetwalkers, runaways, druggies. They were hardly worse for wear after.
---- Helen Bryce

**************

I can’t move. That was the first thought when she woke.

“I can’t move.” She said it aloud this time, but it sounded wrong, slurred and lazy.

“That’s to be expected,” she heard.

She opened her eyes. It wasn’t easy. They felt heavy, almost pasted shut, opening them seemed to make a sound, like a prolonged scrape. “Expected?” she slurred.

“I’ve given you a little something. My own concoction. Parts of it are illegal, but effective. It’s just enough to keep you still and allow you to… just listen.”

Her eyes focused on the bare, white room, then on the woman. Doctor Albright. She with the chirpy voice and condescending bedside manner and web of secrets and lies. Bedside… she was in a bed.

“Where am I?”

“You’re perfectly safe. Please just listen.”

“I don’t want to listen to you,” she hissed, trying to sit up. She couldn’t. It didn’t feel like anything was holding her down, but she just couldn’t.

“Well, you should. You’ve got the wrong idea,” Albright smiled, “about a lot of things.”

“Not you,” she breathed, surprised at the effort it took. She could almost feel the rasp of her breath in slow motion. “You work for Lex.”

“On paper, Darling. But it’s no more than that. Lex is just… a good way to pay the bills. A means to an end. Nothing more.”

“No… You lied to me… my miscarriage… pregnancy… all lies.”

“I really wish you’d stop trying to talk. It’s just wasted energy. But you do have the wrong idea, even about that. You were carrying… something.”

Lana’s eyes widened before they closed again.

“It just wasn’t a child. Cloning… it’s a complicated process. It’s hard to start in a laboratory. Even a clone needs a sort of…. Organic beginning. Gestation. You were pregnant, my dear. Just not in the traditional way.”

She tried to keep her eyes open. “I don’t underst…”

“Of course you don’t. You won’t listen. So listen now.” Albright leaned over her. “You weren’t carrying your child.” She felt a cool, wet cloth on her forehead. “You were carrying yourself. Model five-zero-three, to be exact.”

“Myself?”

“Don’t try to speak. Lex… he had some idea that you couldn’t survive giving birth. He wanted insurance. He wanted a working… well, you. It could carry the child. But he had to make one first. A model. You carried that model. And you… delivered it in a sense with your miscarriage. We took over from there.”

“Doctor Langston.”

“He started the process, but he was a fool. He tried to leverage his position to blackmail Lex. But Lex doesn’t work that way. Neither did Lionel. You work with Luthors, not against them.”

“Like you,” Lana groaned. “You seem to like them.” 

“Well, they aren’t all bad. They have their uses. They have money to burn. It’s always smarter to be their friend rather than their enemy. They reward loyalty handsomely. Lex bought me a house, you know.”

“You just said he was a means to…”

“And so he is. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his uses.”

“What were you doing at his house?” she said, trying to clear her head.

“Just gathering a few files. I have full access to all of his research. He trusts me. He paid me a pretty penny for developing five-zero-three, then four, five… so on…”

“There are more? Of me?” She felt sick.

“Once we had the first, we could use her to gestate the others. Several of you in case one failed. They were never alive, so to speak. No working grey matter. Just for birth, you see. They were good carriers, if a little slender. It didn’t work well, but could have with adjustments. But I didn’t tell Lex that. I just took them rather than destroy them. I had my own work to do, once I found Helen.”

“Helen Bryce.” Her eyes narrowed. “Lex’s merry widow…”

“Don’t start in on that again. Helen didn’t marry Lex for money. She married him for access. She’s quite the little scientist, you know. And it worked. She gained access to DNA that could… Well, it’s beautiful to behold. A miracle, really. We could engineer a perfect child. It’s a pity your clones never took to carrying our little miracles. We’ve had to find other women now, natural ones to truly…”

“Why are you telling me all this?” Lana broke in, feeling some measure of strength returning to her. Her eyes were staying open, at least.

“Just taking a chance.” Abright shrugged and took something from a table at the bedside. “I can give you a dose of this and you’ll wake up in twenty-four hours with no memory of…. The last two days, at least. But I’d rather you listen first. I know you have money, more than you’ll ever need. It just so happens we’re in need of an investor.”

Lana stared at the needle. “So why don’t you just use your special drugs and make me give it to you?”

“Lana, we’re not monsters. We’re trying to do something amazing, something beautiful and right. We’re not like him. Besides all that, I’ll admit I was part of hurting you. I’d like a chance to make that right. I know about you, Mrs. Luth… Miss Lang,” she corrected off Lana’s glare. “You’ve done some interesting things, much like us, but you want to make up for it, do something for the world. Don’t you?”

She did. Who didn’t? But not like this. “You’re just like him,” she muttered. “More secret projects, under-handed deals and…”

“Secret? Yes. But there’s nothing underhanded about this. Lex was trying to build an army of soldiers to combat some invasion. We’re not trying for anything like that. We are trying to make something beautiful. A perfect child. One who could never get sick, never be hurt. Maybe even a hero, in time. Just the kind of hero this world needs. A hero that could go up against whatever monstrosities Lex is creating, if it comes to…”

The door suddenly flew open. It was Bryce, looking frazzled. “Lizzie, she’s awake. She’s freaking out. I need you to…”

“Yes. Coming.” Albright sighed and stood, picking up her bag. “Really, Helen, you could at least try to handle these things on your own.” She moved to the door. “Entertain our guest, would you?” She smiled at Lana. “I won’t be long.”

Lana stared at Bryce, seeing her again… anew. She’d not had much involvement with Lex during his short marriage to Helen. She didn’t know what to say to her now, except… “She said you didn’t marry Lex for money.”

Helen only shrugged.

“So why did you run around like a merry widow after he was presumed dead? The whole town talked about it, you know.”

“Good. If my work was discovered, I’d like to think no one would suspect the woman toting shopping bags.” Helen shrugged again. “They could just think my work was some of Lex’s leftovers. I didn’t meet him by accident, you know. Lex had some interesting research and some great minds behind it. I wanted in. He never quite let me in. Not even after we married.”

“So you tried to kill him,” Lana said dully.

“Not actively. I tried to get rid of him. If he died, he died,” she said dismissively. “And don’t be so holier than thou. You tried to frame him for your murder. Looks like that worked out great for you. You must be so happy,” Helen finished mockingly.

She felt the sudden urge to hit her, if she wasn’t so weak. Right now, she felt like she would never be happy. But what good would lashing out at this woman do? She wasn’t the cause of it all. He was. “I hate him,” she whispered.

“Well,” Helen smiled. “Look at that. We do have some common ground. Really, it’s a waste of energy, though. Best to put it into something.”

“Like beating him at his own sick projects,” Lana said, knowing it was petulant, but she really wanted to wipe that smile off Helen’s face.

“Please. His projects. He just pays for them. He’s a rich boy with too much time on his hands. He’s a dabbler at best. And our project is… It’s a miracle.”

“Building a child?”

“Growing a child. A perfect child, an invulnerable child.” Her voice grew soft, almost reverent. “Someone who could survive any injury, any catastrophe. You find someone like that and you simply… replicate.”

Lana’s eyes widened. She knew someone like that. “There’s no such thing.”

Helen laughed. “Come on, you grew up in Smallville. There’s all kinds of meteor freaks.” Helen stared at her. “But let’s not mince words. You know who I’m talking about.”

Lana sat up fully, tried to stand. “What did you do to…”

“Oh, calm down! I didn’t hurt him. He was already hurt, infected. I was trying to treat him. I took a blood sample. Then his parents were being so secretive about the whole thing, it raised my hackles. I took a closer look. It was invulnerable. On a cellular level. It somehow healed itself. I knew Lex couldn’t have it. But I wish I’d gone another way, working with Morgan Edge. He promised me carte blanche, spearheading my own project. Should have known he was lying just to get more. He was one of Lionel’s oldest friends, after all. I was glad I kept some for myself.”

Lana stared at her, not sure if she was afraid or angry or resentful. All this under her nose. Why was she always on the outside of everything? 

“The fact that I haven’t exposed him or bled him dry should be worth something. I have the sample and I know how to replicate it. There’s no need to interfere with him further.”

Lana nodded to the door. “And does she agree?”

Helen snorted. “She doesn’t know. I let her think this is just a little something I found. She doesn’t need to know. So don’t tell her.”

“She’s your partner. Don’t you trust her?” Hell, Lana felt more inclined to trust Albright, if only because she seemed a hell of a lot more pleasant than Helen.

“Not all the way. You should never trust anyone all the way. Besides, the less people know the better. We don’t want him carted off to a lab,” she said, almost casually, rubbing at a spot on her white coat. “He does some good out there. Doesn’t he?”

Lana nodded, her head still spinning. She’d gone from perfect misery to… whatever this was. It was all too much.

“He might not have to do it alone if we succeed.” 

Something in those words made her almost… hopeful. He talked about all the work he had to do, all the things that kept him away from her. What if he weren’t alone? 

“Listen, I have work to do." Helen sighed and gestured to her. “So are you in or not?”

“I don’t know,” she breathed. “I need to think about it.”

*************

It had been two months already. Helen and Lizzie were getting antsy. Lizzie had been using her own retirement fund up till now and she said it was running low.

“Dear, I do understand if you don’t want to be a part of this, but you really must give me a definitive answer, Darling, so we can find another investor.”

Dear, Darling, Sweetie, Honey. Lizzie was full of annoying endearments yet, insanely, Lana didn’t absolutely hate it. Between her absent mother and disinterested Aunt Nell, she had little enough endearments in her life. Sometimes she wondered if she should see a therapist. Get her mother issues checked out. That might be a better use of her money.

But this project… What if they succeeded? What would Clark think, knowing he wasn’t alone anymore? 

The world's problems do not belong to you. She’d said that to him, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe he wanted to save the world. And maybe she could help him. Maybe this project was the way…

Yet it felt wrong, keeping secrets from him after the way she resented his secrets. But she couldn’t even find him to ask. No answer at home. That’s why she’d contacted Chloe. After the way they left things, she didn’t want to speak to Chloe and was sure the feeling was mutual, but who else could get a hold of Clark. She stared out at the ocean view, wishing she wasn’t seeing it alone, wishing he was with her. Maybe he would be, after this, after she told him what they could achieve together. 

She heard a faint ringing and turned away from the window. She rushed to her phone. Blocked number. It could be Lizzie again, demanding an answer… or was it Chloe? Or was it something worse? Lex, even? That thought made her less eager, made her stop and take a deep breath before she answered. But she did answer. She had to stop being afraid. 

"Yes? Hello?" she answered in a rush.

"Lana?" 

"Chloe, hi...” Strangely enough, she was glad it was Chloe. She was expecting her call. Yet Chloe sounded surprised. “Didn't you know it was me?"

"I thought you were someone else.” Her voice was dull, disappointed.

Lana laughed nervously. God, this was strange. "No. Just me. I was just... wondering how you were,” she lied. It wasn’t as if she didn’t care at all, but Chloe wasn’t who she wanted. Clark. Just let me talk to him. “I know that we left things kinda weirdly," she finished, figuring she had to address it, even if the blame was with Chloe. As if she were the only one allowed to fake her own death. Chloe had done it, after all, just before senior year. The fact that Chloe judged Lana for doing... basically the same thing now still made her angry. 

But it wasn't the same. And it wasn’t the death that had her so upset. It was laying it on Lex.

"You could say that,” Chloe said, her voice back to that sarcastic default it always fell into with her. 

That was good. It pushed away the unwelcome guilt. Besides, anything she did or tried to do to Lex, he'd earned.

“How are you?" Chloe asked after a moment.

"I'm okay. I...” She almost thought of telling Chloe what she was contemplating. Hadn’t they been friends once, uneasy as it had been? They’d lived together, after all. No. She’d judge her for this, too. “I guess I'm a little lonely,” she finished, going for what honesty she could, “but fine."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Have you found a job? Maybe you could meet some new friends." Her voice seemed brighter suddenly. Lana wondered why. 

"I'm looking, but nothing really sparks me. You know?" Lana said carefully. Maybe a project. Something you won’t know about. That should be new. "So how's Clark?" she asked, figuring she should just get to it.

"I don't know. He left,” Chloe said tightly.

Lana let out a breath, not sure how she felt about that. "He left? Where did he go?"

"Couldn't tell you. He just vanished."

"But he said he couldn't leave Smallville. He said he had work to do. And I thought you and he were..." She couldn’t even say it. It would hurt too much, having it confirmed.

"No," Chloe cut in. "We aren't."

"Oh. Okay. Well, I gotta go. It was great catching up, but... You know, it’s an hour later here and I have things to do and… I have a call coming in. We’ll talk again," she lied.

She hung up. She didn’t have the patience for small talk. She had to sort this out. Clark had gone away. He said he might, that last, awful talk. Maybe that was okay. Maybe that was for the best. He kept talking about his mysterious “work to do.”

Couldn’t she have work to do as well? She didn’t think. She just dialed. 

“I’m in. I’ll arrange a wire transfer for tomorrow,” was all she said before hanging up.

Then she smiled. It felt strange at first. She couldn’t remember her last genuine smile. She’d like to think it wasn’t just some sort of petty satisfaction – knowing that, wherever he was, he wasn’t with Chloe. But it did help. Maybe she was smiling because there was hope. 

He had work to do and so did she. He’d see, when he finally came home to her, he’d see all she’d done for him.

So she smiled. She finally had a reason to.

************

Four months later, she remembered that smile with a sob. It felt like a sort of… crime. Chloe was gone, after all.

Lana, once again, reflected that she should stop making plans. They never turned out like they were supposed to. Lizzie and Helen had all but said that her money was all the input they wanted. And Lana… Well, what could she do? She knew that her money was ill-gotten gains at best. Was she supposed to demand transparency? When all her life was in secret?

Nothing was turning out right. Nothing. And this… Damn it, she needed to focus on this, not pile this on top of her own troubles as if they were equal. She stared at the picture, read the caption, written by Jimmy Olsen, again…

Chloe Sullivan. A great reporter. A great human being. May her search for truth continue.

She wept, trying to keep her mind on Chloe, trying to keep it off… herself. She was starting to wonder if she might be a horrible person. The first thought she had when she learned of Chloe’s death was about herself, about the horror of adding another person to the list of her own losses. She really wanted to mourn Chloe for her own sake. Maybe their relationship had always been tied up with Clark, but couldn’t she find something about Chloe herself to just… mourn?

That was the problem with Chloe. Everything Lana could admire about her, she also… kind of hated. 

A great reporter. A great human being. Yes. Chloe wouldn’t let Lana forget it, either, judging her every move, making her feel like it was wrong to… survive. That’s what she’d been doing, after all. Would Chloe have done any different in her place? Then again, maybe such a great human being wouldn’t have been in her place at all. 

May her search for truth continue.Chloe searched for the truth and she found it… with Clark. The two of them had been working together for years by now, had never let her in. Chloe had more of the truth, as it applied to Clark, than Lana ever would. Lana still had to guess at things Chloe had likely known cold. 

God! Why couldn’t she just let that go? Someone was gone forever, dead for real. She shut down her computer, grabbed her purse. She had to do something, anything. She lived in a vacation destination, for God’s sake, and all she did was hide in this house. She hadn’t even been to Disney World. She moved down the beach path to the street, wondering why that was. 

But she didn’t wonder for too long. She hit the first bar she saw and planted herself at the end. Nell always said pretty, young girls should never to go to bars alone, but Nell barely even picked up the phone when she called, so it’s not like Nell even cared what she did anymore.

Lana Lang wouldn’t hit twenty-one for two months, but Lorna Leery was twenty-three. That was good enough. Besides, she’d never been drunk. Maybe it was time.

She knew she hated beer from high school parties. And ordering wine coolers seemed childish. Wine just reminded her of silent dinners across a long table from Lex. In the end, she ordered a Malibu Bay Breeze. It was the only mixed drink she’d tasted in her limited college experience -- that and jello-shots. It was nice, fruity and sweet and so tasty she ordered a second before she even finished her first. 

“This doesn’t even taste like alcohol,” she found herself saying aloud halfway through her third.

“Yeah. Watch out for that.”

She looked up, kind of hoping it was the cute, shirtless bartender. But he was at the other end. Was that a Florida thing? Not wearing shirts? She should go to more bars.

“It’ll hit you hard. They mix them pretty strong in here.”

Lots of guys here. Were they mostly cute or was she mostly drunk? She looked around, kind of hoping whoever talked was one of the cute ones. “That a bad thing?”

“Not at all. You get your money’s worth.”

She found him two stools down and frowned. He was wearing a shirt. But he was still cute. Bad. That was a bad thing. She shouldn’t think bad things like that. “I shouldn’t talk to you,” she said on a sigh.

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

Because Clark was supposed to be the only one that was cute. Clark was supposed to be the only one ever. He was the reason for everything. Then again, where was Clark, after everything? She shrugged. “I mean, you don’t wanna talk to me. I’m miserable.” She had no right to look at cute guys. She was in mourning.

“Well, I don’t have any bartending training, but let me try…” He took a deep breath. “It can’t be that bad. You still have your health. Look on the bright side…”

“There is no bright side,” she cut in, finding him less cute. “Well… maybe one.” Lex was put away. He’d be in Belle Reve for the foreseeable future. That was like a golden, sunlit side. She almost smiled. But he got put in there by killing his father… and Chloe. “No.” She shook her head. “Never mind. No bright side.”

“Not like somebody died.”

“Wanna bet?” She heard his stool scrape back and kind of thought he’d go away. Good.

But he didn’t. He just took the one next to her. “Hey, I’m sorry. I must have read you wrong. Thought it might just be a bad break-up.”

“That, too, kinda.” Wherever Clark was, it wasn’t like it made him any less of an ex-boyfriend. “I got a lot going on. Thought I’d get drunk.”

“So it’s an Irish wake?”

“Sure.” She shrugged. Sullivan’s like an Irish name. Yeah.

“Sullivan…”

“I didn’t mean to say that,” she slurred, feeling like the alcohol was really hitting her. She didn’t even remember saying that.

“It’s fine. Were you close to her?”

“I never said it was a her.”

“Yes, you did. Tell me about her. That’s what you do at an Irish wake. You talk about the good times.”

“We barely ever got any. I mean… I guess we kinda did.” That wasn’t fair. “I never had lots of girls for friends. But me and her…” She sighed. “She was probably the closest thing I ever had to a girlfriend.”

“Chloe Sullivan?”

She turned to him. Did she say Chloe’s name? God, she was saying lots of things. But she didn’t remember saying her name. Was this one of Lex’s men? 

He suddenly leaned close. “Don’t I know you?”

“No, you don’t,” she said, her fear slipping into annoyance. Lex was gone. So was Lionel. There was no one coming after her now. Except pervy bar-flies. “See, this is like what Nell said. Girls don’t go to bars alone because…”

“I’m genuinely asking,” the guy said. “I don’t think we officially met, but…”

“Because some guy is always going to use some skeevy pick-up line,” she went on, digging for her cash. “At least I’m not sad anymore. Thanks for…” 

He laughed. “Sweetheart, you’ve come to the wrong bar if you want to get picked up.”

“I’m sad. For real. Is that like some kinda turn-on?”

“Of course, it’s not.”

“I mean, I thought you were cute for like ten seconds. But how sleazy are you?”

“Lana, I’m genuinely asking if you want to talk.”

She froze, staring at her spilled cosmetics. She still couldn’t find her wallet. She also thought she might throw up. Had he just called her Lana? Or was she just that drunk? “That’s not my name.”

“Yes, it is. Also, I’m gay. For real.”

She looked around, suddenly understanding the wall-to-wall, mostly-shirtless men, feeling drunk and embarrassed and afraid. Mostly that last. She started to back away, but he took her hand. Then shook it.

“So, you’re Lana and I’m Kevin. You want to talk?”

She shook her head.

He just kept shaking her hand. “I think you do.”

***********

"The money is another mystery. It apparently started during my stay at Belle Reve. Money was very cleverly wired to an off-shore account in the Cayman Islands, just a bit at a time, and it went on weekly up until the time I was released. Possibly someone at Luthorcorp, possibly someone with an axe to grind. There's no way of knowing. Even the money itself is irretrievable. It was traced to the account, which is now empty, but no further."

---- Lex Luthor

*************

Lana talked to Kevin, even though she technically didn’t even need to for him to take it all in. She talked for hours because she needed to say it out loud, all the stupid things she’d done, all the silly things she wanted and never seemed to get, all the people that left her, all the people she’d left. He just listened, just took it all in.

He could also take it all away. Yet she wasn’t afraid of him. He was a bit like her, like Helen and Lizzie. They’d all done questionable things to survive, but they were trying now, trying to do some good in the world. Kevin might think she needed his help, but she didn’t. Not for herself.

I can take it all away if you just say the word. 

That’s what Kevin said in the darkened corner booth they ended up in. She said a lot that night. But she never said “the word.” 

She only stayed, at first, because she was afraid. Who wouldn’t be, with a man that could whisper back every secret thought in her head? What would he do with what he knew? 

Nothing. I promise. I’ll just take it away.

But she couldn’t afford that. She needed to know everything with the work ahead of her. But she’d been tempted to let go of a few things. Things like Nell. Why remember her? She was never there. Jason Teague? Her first grown-up relationship turned out to be nothing more than some cog in a confusing conspiracy. Maybe Henry Small. It was pointless, knowing who he was to her. It wasn’t as if it had changed anything. She almost wished she’d never known, could call herself Lana Lang and not know that, underneath, it was a lie.

But it doesn’t have to be. I could make it true. 

But what was the point of that? She’d even lost Lana Lang now, with Lorna Leery on every card, paper, and passport.

Then I could make that true.

But what about her work?

Does it make you happy?

Happy? No. But she was starting to think actual happiness didn’t exist. Nothing seemed to make her happy for more than a moment. Maybe nothing ever would. The closest she ever felt were tiny moments. Saving The Talon made her happy, scant memories of her parents made her happy, finding new secrets about Smallville’s history made her happy. Almost all of those things died with Lana Lang and the memories were all she had. She wouldn’t let them go. 

And if letting go of the past would not make her happy, she’d chase a future that would. And that future needed Clark because he was the only thing left that could make her happy, if anything could. He had to. What was the point of all these years, always out of reach, but so close, otherwise? Clark had to be the answer.

He’d see when he came back from… wherever he was. He’d see what she’d done for him, maybe even for the world. He’d see he didn’t have to work alone. And they’d be happy.

The fasten-seatbelts light came on and the flight attendant’s voice followed soon after. She turned to Kevin. “You okay?” she asked over the announcement.

“I don’t fly well,” he breathed. “Why couldn’t we drive?”

“Because it’s a twenty-two hour drive and a two-hour flight,” she said, trying to keep the irritation out of her voice. It wasn’t Kevin she was annoyed with, after all, even after two hours of his panicked noise.

“But why did I need to come? Dan is in a very fragile place and leaving him wasn’t…”

“We aren’t staying long. I need you with me for insurance.”

“I thought you said these were good women with noble goals and…”

“You can never be too careful,” she cut in. “You should never trust anyone all the way.” Helen said that and she was right. Lana may not like the woman, but it didn’t follow that she didn’t have a few good points. Lana was finished trusting without question and sick to death of letting other people pat her on the head and tell her not to worry. 

“God, I really want to fix you one of these days,” Kevin grunted.

She rolled her eyes. She should have known keeping anything to herself was impossible with Kevin less than a foot away. “Are you suddenly a therapist?”

“I could be. I’m thinking of taking some classes to...” He stopped on a gasp as the plane shook with a mechanical whir.

“It’s just the landing gear. We’re almost on the ground.”

“Tell me when we are,” he said through his teeth.

“You want to be a therapist? Just think of this trip as earning a scholarship,” Lana said, patting his hand, but briefly. She’d learned that touching him only increased his ability to get into her head and his desire to rearrange the furniture. She didn’t want his help. She was just fine. Or she would be when she got this little power play over with. 

If Albright wanted more money, after bleeding her diminishing funds as it was, then Lana wanted more control and more transparency. Luckily for everyone, Lex was still safely in Belle Reve and getting the money, though an annoyance, was doable. Just in increments—monthly increments that wouldn’t draw too much attention, as if funding one of his little projects. She liked to think of it as alimony payments. Or maybe child support as it was funding this perfect child.

Anyway, the plan was simple: Show up for a surprise inspection and make sure Albright knew that, in case she wanted to try out one of her little concoctions, her friend could reduce them all to third graders in grown bodies. 

Then she’d make sure that Albright knew that, from now on, she got regular progress reports. It would be fine.

************

“Once the real money came in, the game changed. Suddenly, it had to be couples. No random women. No anonymous sperm donors. We had to be this... new colony. new world.”

--- Helen Bryce

************

“Beautiful and amazing,” Lana choked out, holding her stomach as she watched Kevin speak to the woman on the other side of the glass, holding her hands tightly. Her meal had been nothing more than a warm cookie and some tea on such a short flight, but she was still struggling to keep it down. “That’s what you said,” she hissed at Lizzie Albright. “How is this…”

“She agreed to the treatment and will be compensated accordingly,” Lizzie said calmly.

“Whatever it is, double it. I’ve given you enough for that.”

“You’re not looking at the big picture. We’ve learned and corrected. If the subject carries excess weight, then…”

“Don’t call her the subject,” Lana sneered. “She has a name.” She paused. “What’s her name?”

“Do you really want to know?”

Lana shook her head, swiping at her eyes. “What if she wants to have children?”

“She won’t. Most of the subj… women,” Lizzie corrected smoothly, “found it to be an… occupational hazard they’d rather not deal with.”

Prostitutes, addicts, runaways. Sometimes all three. And this was supposed to be amazing and beautiful?

Helen paced toward them. “What’s he doing in there? This is…”

“He’s cleaning up your mess,” Lana snapped. “I happen to think this is better than pumping them full of chemicals.”

“Lana, Dear,” Lizzie cooed, “apart from the after-effects, these women are leaving in much better health than when they came to us. They’ll be released into…”

“Stop talking like they’re tagged animals. They don’t understand what they’re agreeing to! What if they recover? What if they pull their lives together only to find that you’ve taken their future and…”

“You know better? How do you think this should be done?” Lizzie broke in, her calm exterior finally cracking. 

“Not like this!”

“Lana, Dear, I am genuinely asking.” All calm again, all warm eyes and a hand on a shoulder. “If you feel so strongly about having input that you brought a mutant to use as some kind of weapon, then…”

“He’s not a weapon. He genuinely cares,” Lana said hotly.

“As do we,” Lizzie whispered. “Or we wouldn’t be putting work into this child in the first place.”

“Then…. act like it. They shouldn’t be bribed and coerced into this. They should be… I don’t know! It just can’t be like this. If we succeed, a child needs more than this! It needs someone who loves it, wants it, like…” She couldn’t say the names, but someone like Jonathan Kent, Martha Kent, someone who desperately, passionately wants a child. She knew why Clark turned out the way he did. It wasn’t just his nature, it was that he was wanted, loved, cherished. 

Her eyes met Helen’s and they seemed to silently agree. 

“Lana’s right,” she said evenly. “It should be someone who wants children. There are plenty of couples with fertility issues, even with our specific fertility issues. PCOS is very common and…”

Lizzie threw up her hands. “Oh, wonderful. We’ll just put out an ad and…”

“And you live in a damned complex full of childless yuppies. You can’t tell me that there aren’t a few that…”

“Helen, it’s not like I can make an announcement at the next potluck.”

“How many times have you complained about people coming to you for free medical advice?”

“It’s not like they’ll spill all their business to me. I’m new and…”

“Then find someone who isn’t new. Find someone and get the info.” Helen smiled. “This could work.” 

Lizzie smiled as well.

Lana stared between the two of them. “No. Not like this. No one would agree to be confined to a room and…”

“You’d be surprised what people would agree to,” Lizzie said gravely, “for a perfect child.”

And how could she deny someone that, if they truly wanted it? Lana took a deep breath. “We’ll need to make some changes.” And she'd need more money. 

***************

LEX LUTHOR SPEAKS

By: Janice Murphy

Today is a shocking day for all of Metropolis. Lex Luthor, billionaire mogul and - some would say - mad man has spoken for the first time in six months…

****************

She could barely get her key card in the door, her hand was shaking so badly. The Daily Planet was one of two complimentary papers The Metropolis Grand provided its patrons, The Metropolis Star being the other. Lana sometimes perused The Planet over breakfast, more for Chloe’s sake than any real interest in the news. 

Perry White was Editor In Chief now. She was sure Chloe would have loved that about as much as Lana resented it, after his time pestering her in Smallville. About the time she read that announcement, she stopped bothering with either paper. 

She was much too busy outfitting Camp Tremaine. Every bit of it had to be perfect, welcoming, comfortable. It had taken more withdrawals, larger amounts. But it would be worth it. Because now it wasn’t just about that perfect child. It was about that couple, that special one that had so much love to give and had nearly given up hope on having anyone to receive it. That was the secret to the perfect child, wasn’t it? Indestructible, yes. But also perfectly loved. Just like Clark. She wondered how he’d feel, knowing he wasn’t alone. That there would be more, just like him.

That was what they were building. And it would be beautiful and amazing. With that over her head, she barely wanted to stop to eat, let alone read the paper.

Then there was a headline she couldn’t escape. Just left in front of her door like a bomb that could go off at any second and destroy her.

She read the article so many times she lost count, read The Metropolis Star’s splashier version, watched the news outlets give their take… all with a growing sense of panic. Because everyone seemed to think he had a chance at exoneration, at freedom…

And that was a chance Lana couldn’t take.

She had to fix this, had to clean this up, had… call Grady. Yes. He was the only one who could make this right. He knew her. He knew her life. He’d seen it all. He’d help her. Someone had to.

She breathed out shaky pleas and prayers as the phone rang, silently willing him to pick up.

“Ms. Leery?” He sounded annoyed.

“Kevin…”

“Whatever you need, it better not involve me coming to Metropolis or getting on a plane ever again. I only just got my appetite back from…”

“Kevin, please. I need your help.”

“Lana, I told you. I have real problems with erasing trauma that you inflicted, however severe…”

“This isn’t about the project.” The project was the only thing going right. “This is something worse. And I need you… I really need you to help me fix it,” she finished on a sob. 

He sighed. “What is it?”

She let out a sob. He’d help. He’d save her. God! Why did someone always have to save her?

“Lana, what’s going on?”

“Can’t you just tell?” she sniffed.

“Not over the phone.”

“I need you to work on him.”

“Once again, I can’t read you over…”

“Lex. He’s under evaluation. They might set him free and they can’t… they just can’t do that. He’ll find me. He’ll find him. He’ll never give us a moment’s peace and we’ll spend the rest of our lives…”

“Lana, calm down. You don’t know for sure he’ll be…”

“He will, Kevin. He’ll find a way. He always does!”

“Okay, okay. Just…”

“I’ll pay anything you want.”

“Listen, I have one week left till the semester ends. I’ll…”

“If you want to be a therapist, I can make that happen,” she cut in quickly. “You don’t need a degree or even classes. You just need a piece of paper and office space.” 

He was silent. He was open to it.

“I can make it all happen. A nice townhouse and a sleek office and the freedom to share your gift. Why wait, Kevin? It can happen now.”

“You can do that?” he said after a moment.

*************

"Many people believe Lex Luthor, billionaire and philanthropist, to be a monster. A man who would kill his own father and a young reporter while masterminding an illegal cloning project with renegade military help. But is it all so black and white? I'm Racquel Davies and…"

---- “Lex Luthor’s Heartbreak,” LNN Exclusive 

**************

“Are you watching that again?”

“Shhhh! I’m just trying to be sure I wasn’t on camera.” She’d been “working” at Belle Reve the day they filmed, but she’d made damned sure not to be in direct sight of Lex.

Kevin took off his jacket and tossed himself on the sofa next to her. “You’re just making yourself more paranoid.”

Maybe. It was nothing to Helen. She was downright in hiding, even with Lex still locked up. She wanted to move the entire project to another state. Lana had told her, over and over, that she had this covered. And she did. Kevin wouldn’t let her down. Not after all she’d done for him. The office space, the press coverage, the legitimacy…

“We need to do it soon.”

“I didn’t say I’d do it,” Kevin said tightly, getting up and moving to the bar. Lana wondered if he’d take a drink and, God help her, she almost wanted him to, almost wanted him just a little easier to convince. But he only toyed with the glass bottles before turning back. “I suppose Chloe wants the same thing, though she hasn’t said it yet.”

Lana paused her replay. “Chloe?” 

“Oh, come on. You know. I try not to dig around, but you have to know…”

“Know what?” she asked impatiently. “Did Lex let something loose in his sessions? Or is she…” Her hands were shaking. “Is she communicating with you somehow?" Did his abilities transcend… the living?

Kevin just stared at her. “Well, she came to my office today to interview me, so yes.”

“No. You said you had an appointment with Lois Lane.” She'd been all for it. A Daily Planet exclusive only made things seem more legit.

“I did. So imagine my surprise when…” He shook his head. “You didn’t know?”

“Know what?” she snapped.

“I was actually angry with you. I thought you were trying to get me to work on her for some kind of extra…”

“Kevin, what the hell are you talking about?”

He took a deep breath. “That Irish wake of yours was premature. Chloe Sullivan is alive and well and calling herself Lois Lane.”

“No." Lana almost laughed. “No. Chloe... Lois is her cousin. Maybe you got things confused in some way. They're related, so..."

"I didn't. I met the both of them in Smallville. I’ve seen the both of them through you. She may have changed her hair a little, but it’s her."

“Really!” Lana did laugh then, moving to the window, not sure if she was laughing or crying. “After all the judgment over what I did, Chloe was… she’s doing the same damned thing!” And Lana knew, deep down, didn't she? That's what made it so hard to mourn her. It had to be. Lana knew she was out there somehow.

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“How is it different?” Lana whirled on him. “Lex is accused of killing Chloe Sullivan and Lionel Luthor.”

“He did kill Lionel Luthor. And he intended to kill her. Her cousin got in the way from what I saw.”

Lana turned away, feeling dirty for laughing. “So Lois…”

“I don’t think so. I just saw… Lucy.”

Lucy. The other cousin. She’d heard of her, though they’d barely seen each other. 

“She’s scared of him,” Kevin went on, “maybe more than you are.”

She stared out at the city, wondering where Chloe was right now , wondering if she’d want to see her. They had more in common now, after all. Maybe they could finally agree that Lex Luthor needed to be put away, no matter the circumstances. Maybe she’d convince Kevin to…

“She might agree. That doesn’t mean I do,” she heard Kevin say.

"I told you to stay out of my head," Lana said tightly, turning back.

"You think so loudly, it's hard to help." He sighed. “I told you. I only help people who ask for it. I helped her friend.”

Lana’s eyes widened. “Her friend?”

“No, not him. A very nice guy named Jimmy Olsen. But, regarding him, I wish I could help the both of you. Your obsession with the same man is..."

"Clark?" she broke in. "What did she say about Clark?"

"She didn't say anything. But, much like you, she's holding onto another life. If the both of you would let me..."

“I don’t need help.”

“Don’t you? He’s almost all the both of you think about. She’s obsessed with protecting him and you’re…”

“Then help her,” Lana snapped. Help her forget Clark. Wouldn't that be for the best? If she had a new name and a new life, then it would be easier on Chloe to just… forget him when he came back and saw all I did for him.

"Lana..."

"I only said..."

"Yes, but I know what you're thinking. You think she needs to forget him, but I could say the same thing for you."

"My memories of Clark are the only reason I'm on these projects, but Lois... She could be so much happier if..."

"So could you," he interrupted loudly. "Regardless, I won't do it against her will."

"But you just said you helped Jimmy..."

"He wanted help." Grady sighed and grabbed her remote. "Now stop obsessing over Luthor and order us something decadent and expensive. Dan's trying to cook again."

"You do it." She moved to the bar and tossed him a menu. "And I would be able to stop obsessing over Lex if you just..."

"I'm still assessing the situation," he said, looking over the sheet. "I'll let you know." He smiled. "Filet or Lobster? Let's have both. I've had such an appetite since I stopped drinking."

She turned away as he dialed. He wouldn’t do it, wouldn’t save her.

******************

Grady wouldn’t do it, not without him asking. So… she’d make him ask.

Lana swiped her card next to the door, checking the clock. She was allowed access to his ward, but not his room. But the common areas were fair game, the commissary, the arts room, group therapy room, the places he met his practitioners – people like Grady. 

Grady would be here this afternoon, so she’d made sure to be here this morning, early for her shift. She’d just help things along, make him pliant.

She’d stayed away from Kevin for days, not wanting to be within a mile of him, so afraid he’d know what she was thinking. Hell, even Chloe was thinking it, even Chloe knew this was the only way. So it wasn’t wrong. It was the only thing that was right. 

It was Kevin that was dragging his feet. He thought he could go around and rearrange Lex’s mind, try to make him some kind of better man. It was ludicrous and not nearly good enough. Lana needed more than that. She needed insurance. She needed years.

It wasn’t even hard. She’d kept her head down for months now, always in his presence but never in his sight. When she stepped behind Lex, reaching over to place a paper cup of pills down, he barely even moved. 

“I don’t think I’ll be taking those today,” he said, staring out the wired window.

She could hear the satisfaction in his voice and it made her sick. He knew he’d be leaving. Patients didn’t get unsupervised time in the common areas unless they were basically free. The police had basically pinned his crimes, every single one of them, on his father. She wondered how much money that took. She hoped a damned lot. She also hoped he’d see the giant chunk she took. But, more than that, she hoped he didn’t see a thing.

There were no mirrors in the arts room. Too dangerous to have exposed glass. Even the windows were plexiglass and covered with tightly crossed wires. So he didn’t see a thing, not when she reached over his shoulder and, rather than take his pills away, secured a mask to his face, pulled the lever on the tank secured to her cart, and leaned in…

She’d got the gas from Lizzie’s stash with Helen’s help. She didn’t like the stuff, but she knew it had its uses. She knew what it did. It opened the mind. Lex had always been rather closed-minded, hadn’t he? He’d rather control freaks than understand them. He was no better with wives. He needed suggestions, little nudges in the right direction…

It felt almost intimate, whispering in his ear. She’d done it before, but not like this. She’d done it with faith in him once, telling him everything about her, every fear and every dream, thinking he’d be the one to save her. He wasn’t. No one ever was except Clark. So she’d do this for him.

*********************

“But can you really go on, knowing what you know? You've seen some terrible things, Lois. I wish I could help you."

"You helped a lot," she said, her voice grave. "I can't thank you enough."

"I'm serious, Lois. Call me if you need me."

*********************

"She needs help," Lana insisted. "Maybe she didn't ask for it, but..."

"No," Grady said firmly. "I offered and she refused. And you should know, she mentioned you. She mentioned protecting you as a reason to wipe Lex clean."

"Well, she..."

"You and Clark, now that he's back."

"Clark..." Lana gasped. "Clark's back?"

"What? You didn't know?" He mirrored her gasp in a lightly mocking way. "Yes. He's back. And she’s still protecting him." He shook his head. "That seems to be all she thinks about."

Lana nearly drew back in offense at that. Didn't she want to protect Clark? If he'd ever let her in, she would have. Her life's work, right now, was all about him, about protecting him, about making sure he wasn't alone. Chlo... Lois wasn't so special. "So maybe you could help her stop thinking about it."

"Drop it," Kevin said harshly. "Isn't it enough that you got your way with Lex? Stop pushing me!"

"Got my way," Lana growled. "It's not just for me and you know it. This was your chance to stop him from hurting anyone ever again."

"Yes. That's what she said."

"Well, she was right!" As much as she hated to agree with Chloe. Learning she was alive and well and faking her own death and taking a new name after judging Lana so harshly for doing it herself, Chl... Lois was right.

"But it's not that simple. Won't he wonder about the time he lost?"

"Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll be happy." She gripped his arm. "And maybe she will be happy if..."

"I asked several times. She refused. Drop it, Lana. I mean it. Or we're finished. I told you I wouldn't hurt anyone again or do anything they didn't ask for. I made an exception with Lex," he said coldly, "but I know you interfered.”

She opened her mouth.

“Don’t try to deny it and don't push me much further," he finished before walking out.

So, she didn't push him. She had her own project to get under way. Lizzie was gaining ground in her planned community. Hell, people lined up to tell her every detail of their lives with all the free medical advice. She was very nearly ready with the Kerns. Maybe this would be enough. 

Then Grady called the next day. "Looks like you win again."

********************

She listened hard. She'd bugged his office days ago. Of course she had. As autonomous as Grady claimed to be, he was still living and working on her dime. She'd rented the office above him. Hell, she paid for his offices. She had the perfect right to listen. She'd just never exercised it now. Not until "Lois" showed up.

"I don't like who I've become," Lana heard her say. "Sometimes I think I've just turned into this hard shell. And everything seems so shiny and new on the outside. But inside, I'm still this mess." Lana stiffened at the words. She almost… related. "I've always wondered if, with what I've seen and done and been, if I could ever be happy again. And, I... I don't think I can." Lana covered her mouth, then realized neither Lois nor Grady could hear her, a floor below.

"I'm stupid if I think I can just work, just have my job and it will be enough. I want... no. I need help." Lois laughed.

Lana nearly laughed, too. She knew the feeling. Burying herself in work, in all the "good" she would do. But had any of it made her happy right now? 

"Lately, I've had trouble asking for help, but you... You never stopped offering. I want you to help me now."

Yes. She'd asked now. She'd said the words. He had to do it. Right? Right?

"I want to help you," she heard Kevin say.

Lana heard her sniffle. "Okay. So... How does this work? Do you just grab at them?"

"It helps if you talk. I don't want you to lose what matters. I want you to lose what hurts."

Lana heard her sob loudly. "Where do I start?"

"I can't tell you that. What hurts the most?"

"Clark," Chl... Lois breathed.

Yes! Then he would... she would be free. It was for her, really.

"Okay," Grady said bracingly. "So think of your first memories of Clark and..."

"No."

"No?"

NO?

"That was my first kiss. The day I met him was... To take that would... That's a part of me." 

"Okay. I won't take that. So... what?"

Lana heard her breathe in and out several times. "The sex."

The sex? 

"Maybe that part," Ch... Lois went on. "Maybe just take the first time and... that's how it works. right?"

Lana squeezed her eyes shut. She knew. Of course she knew, but to have it confirmed...

"If I take the source event, then all events springing from it will..."

"No! Not all of it. Not the... You see, it was sometimes... gentle with Kal."

Kal?

"There were times," Lois went on, "that I wouldn't want to forget." She laughed. "See... maybe it wasn't perfect, but there was something so true in it." She drew in a watery breath. "So maybe not everything. That's all."

"Lois?"

"Huh?"

"What do you want me to take?"

"Just the..." She stopped. Then was silent for a long time. "Nothing," she finally breathed.

"But you said Clark..."

"Don't you see? You take Clark out of the equation and... that's half of my life. How can I let that go?"

"But I make it so it doesn't affect you. If it hurts..."

"It's supposed to hurt. Damn it, Kevin. It wouldn't be love, wouldn't even be life, if it didn't hurt!"

"Lois?"

"I'm leaving."

"Where are you..."

"I'm going to bed. I'm going to sleep. This is what you do after a hard day. You don't wipe your mind clean. You just... You sleep. You don't do this," Lana heard, along with some shuffling. "I don't know how I convinced myself I could. Kevin, I... Seriously, this is nothing against you, but... I'm not Lex. The things he saw... they might have made a villain out of him, but they made a better person out of me than I might have been. I could still be that girl, pasting up a wall of weird and never understanding that there's more to it than freaks and normal people and... Thank you."

"Thank you?"

"You made it clear. The truth is... That's life. That's what happens. Maybe it isn't always pretty. But we have to accept it and keep moving on and... Just thank you."

"Lois..."

Lois! Damn it!

But the door slammed shut and she was gone. 

And Kevin... he didn't say another word.

********************

It was wrong. Or maybe it just seemed wrong. Or maybe sometimes you did the wrong thing for the right reason. Her life was like a study in this now. Lana took a deep breath as she knocked on the door.

She was dressed for bed now in an "I Heart Metropolis" T-shirt and worn yoga pants. She looked tired, but her eyes widened immediately. "Lana!" She pulled her in. "What the hell are you doing here?”

“I….”

*************
***********
**********

“No!” Lois nearly screamed the word, staring at Lana, shaking her head furiously. She stared at the golden lasso. It was still secure, still glowing faintly. But it had to be wrong. “It’s not working right. That’s not… that can’t be right.”

Lana just stared back at her, glassy-eyed. “When you pulled me in, I thought it was like a sign. I was meant to be there. I could fix you. It would be for the best. It was actually…”

“Stop it,” Lois breathed, pacing Lana’s motel room. So Lana was the backer. Lana was the money leak that led to the dead end that was Thorul Industries. She could take that in. That was fine. That was a lead. Even the facts about Chloe. Those were all something that happened to someone else. But this... she couldn’t take this. All this time adjusting to what she did and… “You got it wrong. Because I’ve only just accepted what I…” She gulped in breaths, rubbing at her eyes. “You can’t take that away and make it… Go back!”

“But I did it. I had to. It was the only way. You see…”

“I don’t see,” Lois huffed, standing up, tearing at her top two buttons. “Go back! You had it wrong. I did it. There were notes and…”

“You backed out,” Lana said dully. “You went home. You put on pajamas like you were just giving up. I couldn’t let you give up. Someone had to make sure you followed through. I thought it was like fate. You needed to let him go. You didn't want any more pain. All those memories bring are pain. You wanted to be Lois Lane. I was helping…”

“Stop it,” she hissed, though she wanted to scream. She squeezed her eyes shut, swearing she could smell it again, that sweet, cloying smell and feel it again, the pounding in her head, the pounding that came when she remembered… because remembering only brought pain… 

She desperately gulped air, smelling the foul air of the port instead with something like relief. But the pounding… it only became louder, almost too loud.

Lois opened her eyes and stared at the door. It was shaking. 

This wasn’t some phantom sound. This was….

She did scream as the door shattered into splinters.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Sometimes I feel that, in this fic (and sometimes in Smallville canon), Lana’s biggest weakness is sort of the opposite of Clark’s. He wallows in guilt and she refuses to acknowledge it. Yes, she did this or that, but… There’s always a justification.

I’m going to update Subtraction Time as they’ve waited a long time by now, but then I’ll be back here for another three chapters. Maybe the final three (?????). I know what’s going to happen, but I’m never sure how many words it’s going to take.