Restless Nights (Chapter Twenty-Three)

My sincerest apologies for being so late in crossposting this. I actually had this up on Ksite mid-December, but got so crazy between holidays and work and other writings, that I've only just now got to posting it here.

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Chapter 23

“It didn’t matter. I was angry and scared and it all came back when she told me. It's unavoidable, Chloe. The first day I killed was the first day I existed.”

Chloe sat, staring at the radio, chilled to the bone and not just because it was the dead of winter. He didn’t say anything more. And it took her what felt like an hour to say anything, herself.

“That doesn’t seem possible,” she finally whispered, “for someone so small to...”

“It happened, regardless. I was… I don't know, seven or eight by human size. But that was the smallest I remember being.”

She clutched her stomach. Emil kept saying the baby was progressing normally, but how long would that last? Davis had grown feet in a day. “Have you ever thought about why that was?”

“I think it was about adaptability. I think… I’m not completely sure, but I think, when I first saw Clark, my growth just... matched him, mirrored him. And then Lex, and then… After that, I seemed to grow at a normal rate.”

“And the beast? What about his growth?”

“I never got a look at him back then. I never remembered what happened in the black-outs. I don’t know if, when I changed, if he grew to the size he was that awful night. But it would explain the black-outs better. Maybe they were a way to cope with the pain of the change.”

She’d seen the change. She clutched her stomach again. If his… its condition was even half as severe as Davis’, if he had a beast, even if it was less violent, there would be such pain. No child should have to feel that much pain.

”Chloe, why all the questions? Is there a specific reason…”

“I told you,” she cut in. “I’m just looking at the situation for you. It doesn’t mean it will have the same issues. I have no reason to believe it will be anything but normal.”

Then why don’t you call it ‘him’?”

“I need to go,” she said, abruptly shutting the radio off and shoving it back in the drawer. She couldn’t take any more. Not today. She laid on her side, shivering, but too numb to grab for the blankets. She didn’t have to. 

Clark was back almost immediately with a tell-tale whoosh of air behind her. “Hey, what are you doing without blankets? It’s probably freezing.” 

“I’m fine,” she lied.

He ignored her, piling them on. “Liar. You’re shivering.”

“Well, I’m fine now. How were the animals?”

“Everyone’s eaten,” he said softly, snaking a hand under to rub her stomach. “All but me… and you two.”

“I’m not awake enough yet,” she got out, trying to make her voice light over the lump in her throat.

He chuckled and moved under the covers. “It’s fine. I can wait a little.”

She tried not to do it, but she let out a sob.

“Hey.” He leaned over her. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. Just hormones,” she sobbed. “I cry every damned second these days. Stop being so surprised.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

“Stop being sorry. I should be sorry.”

He smiled and wiped at her eyes with the edge of the sheet. “For what?”

She wasn’t sure. But she had the inescapable feeling that she’d be sorry for something soon enough.

********************* 

A week later, she’d figured it out. She was sorry she’d let things get to this point. Here she was, hiding her talks with Davis from Clark. She was hiding her main concerns from Davis. She was hiding the same things from Emil. And the rest of them… it would be easier to list off what they did know than what they didn’t. She’d been opting out of Watchtower all week, claiming she was tired when all she did was lay in the dark and worry until Clark showed up to help her forget. She was sleepwalking through this entire situation and she didn’t know how to change that. 

She should have told Emil when Clark revealed she could hurt him. She should have told the others she’d found Davis. She should tell Clark, at the least. And now things had gotten to the point where she didn’t know where to start with any of it. 

She and Clark barely talked outside of work. She couldn’t seem to let him, whenever she had him alone – not just because he kept talking about what was coming like some happy event, but because… Well, they’d talked a lot all these years. They hadn’t touched nearly enough, so she’d rather just touch him while she could. That wasn’t just about sex being almost impossibly uncomfortable, soon enough. Somewhere inside, it always felt like the last chance. And she cried every damned time.

He excused it all as hormones, maybe because he didn’t see. He still closed his eyes tight still, only opening them at the end, handing her a tissue from the nightstand and asking her if she was sure she was okay, rubbing her back as she sobbed away the afterglow.

She always said it was just the intensity. It was half-true. She felt herself flush, feeling like a deviant for thinking about sex at work. Then again, she’d thought she was a deviant before, with Davis. She’d come closer with Davis than with anyone until Clark and had been so afraid that she had some sort of monster or danger kink. That was all dispelled with Clark. The sex – even the sex that wasn’t quite sex – was explosive. But maybe that was still that “last chance” feeling?

But why was that feeling there? Maybe she was over-complicating things. Couldn’t she just keep going this way -- being with Clark, talking out her fears with Davis? She was more even-tempered these days, almost normal, outside the afterglow weeps. Maybe this could… 

The sobering fact that she was sitting outside Tess’ office to firm up her maternity leave told her that was a stupid thought. This birth was coming and change was coming with it, whatever form that took.

There was no normal here. Davis was both her main confidante and the estranged father of her child and Clark was her lover and possibly something she shouldn’t have in this situation.

“Chloe?”

She blinked up at Karen.

“She can see you now.”

“Who?”

Karen peered at her. “Miss Mercer. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Chloe forced a smile. “Just finding it hard to gather my thoughts lately – that and stand,” she added with a grunt.

Karen held out a hand. “Do you need…”

“No, I’ll just take you down with me.” She stood with some effort.

Karen rushed to the door, but didn’t open it yet, leaning in to whisper. “How long now?” 

“Five weeks, give or take.” She’d been saying it for days.

She nodded to the bullpen. “So is he waiting till after or…”

Chloe sighed, preparing for the other thing she’d been saying for days. “We don’t have any plans to…”

“I get it. My cousin did the same thing, except it took her three years to lose the weight. But it was extra cute because her daughter was the flower girl.” Karen finally opened the door and Chloe was too eager to get this over with to correct her.

Tess had been strange with her since after Christmas. She wasn’t quite as aloof to Clark, usually relaying Chloe’s assignments through him, but maybe that was Chloe’s fault. Clark had been gentler with Tess in delivering the news about her parentage and, really, she and Chloe had never exchanged anything that could be mistaken for a friendly word. Sometimes Chloe regretted that. Sometimes she thought, if they had met some other way, she might have liked Tess. 

Tess barely looked up from her planner. “Yes?”

“I won’t take up much of your time,” Chloe said, moving in. “I’m thinking my leave should start in two weeks and I’m willing to take some assignments at home. Obviously, any interviews would have to be over the phone or through email, but I have a few possible…”

“I wouldn’t worry about that,” Tess said, glancing up, but only briefly meeting her eyes. “You are entitled to a work-free maternity leave.”

Chloe frowned. “That doesn’t mean I want it that way.”

“Tough,” Tess said flashing her a quick smile before putting her eyes on her planner again. “I have no intention of putting together work on the off chance you’re able to complete it. You might have more on your mind.”

Chloe’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean by…”

Tess finally met her eyes and stayed. “You’re about to bring a life in the world. Things might change. That’s all I mean.”

“Gee, thanks.” Chloe gave her a very small and very false smile. “Here I thought it would be just like a tonsillectomy.”

Tess’ eyes slid down again. “You can take your leave this week and contact me if and when you want an assignment and I’ll see what I can do. If you’ll excuse me…”

“Don’t do me any favors,” Chloe said. “Maybe I should take it today.”

“Maybe you should,” Tess said levelly.

“Great. I’ll gather my things by the end of the day,” Chloe spat, moving out and wishing it was more of a storm-off than a waddle. 

She stopped outside the door, catching her breath. Why had she just done that? 

She turned to frown at the closed door. She hadn’t done that. Tess had done that. She’d maneuvered the entire encounter. 

Clark moved in from the bullpen. “Did you tell her about the Star Labs interview? I figure I can go with Jared to get the shots you want even if…”

“We didn’t get that far.” She moved past him in a daze. “She doesn’t want me to work. She wants me to start leave early. Today.”

Clark huffed behind her. “Where does she get off with that? We had everything planned.” He moved in front of her, taking her shoulders. “If she’s trying to use your pregnancy to edge you out of assignments, that’s technically…”

“I don’t know what she was doing,” Chloe cut in. "She’s been strange with me since after we told her.” She shook her head. “Then again, maybe it’s not that. Maybe it’s ever since I stopped hiding this,” she gestured down to her stomach. “Maybe it makes her uncomfortable. I don’t know.”

“Well, she has no right to…”

“Clark, leave it alone. Maybe she’s right. I can barely stay on my feet. I’m fine with this,” she lied, glancing back at the door. She had to be. She couldn’t change it, after all, however it was Tess saw her.

**********************

Tess glanced through the blinds before getting up to snap them shut. She’d meant what she said to Chloe. Things might change. Neither of them knew how. For her part, Tess didn’t want to know. Ever since Lex had disclosed he had plans for Chloe and her… he refused to call it a child. Either way, Tess embraced the idea of plausible deniability now. She concentrated on the properties, on The Planet with some avoidance of Sullivan, on anything but what Lex was up to.

Even if it was all for the good of the world, it was more than she could handle. Maybe Lex was right all those times he said she wasn’t ready. At the moment, she was glad enough to have Sullivan out of her sight. It was hard to see a person in front of her when all Lex talked about was a plan. 

She wondered when it would go into effect. She resisted opening the blinds. She wouldn't look at them. She didn’t care. She wouldn’t be part of it. She was just here to be the public face and that was more than enough. 

***************

It was a little too much. Clark kept adjusting the couch pillows, Bart kept plying her with food, and Dinah had even started to suggest getting blind drunk before she remembered who she was talking to. They were all treating her like she’d been fired. The worst part was that she wasn’t sure she hadn’t been.

“It’s just early leave,” she said above the nagging in her head. There had been this air of finality with Tess, hadn’t there? “Don’t you all have patrol?”

“Well, yeah.” Dinah checked her watch. “But not for five minutes. We’ll be on time.”

Chloe sighed. “Here, I could have sworn I heard Victor saying on-time is actually fifteen minutes late.”

“Damn it, he did say that,” Bart said before disappearing, leaving the door slammed against the wall.

She looked up at Dinah and Clark. “Just go. I’m fine. What can you guys do in five minutes?”

Dinah laughed loudly. “Isn’t that a question for him?” She nudged Clark.

Clark flushed and Chloe glared at her. She hadn’t told Dinah much, but she had told her with the assurance Dinah wouldn’t say a word.

Dinah sobered immediately. “I have no idea what I’m saying. I’m so terribly sorry,” she said, backing to the door.

Clark glanced after her before turning to Chloe. “Just between us, huh?”

“Like you didn’t tell Victor,” she grumbled, averting her eyes. 

Clark chuckled and dropped to the couch next to her. “Well, he only lets me off early if I have… plans.” He adjusted her pillows. Again. “You’re sure you’re okay?”

“Clark, it’s Friday after five. I survived one of these just last week.”

“Yeah, but not… on leave.” He frowned. “I’m going to have a talk with Tess Monday. Maybe…”

“Don’t,” she cut in. “Maybe this is for the best. I haven’t caught up with you halfway on baby books. Maybe I should study up.” She smiled.

He sighed and stood. “You don’t smile right when you lie, you know. It never meets your eyes.”

“Fine. I wish I was a size five with a full-time job. But I can’t have that right now. So I think I’ll survive till you come home. Okay?’

He grinned. “Come home?”

“Come back after or… just… Will you go? It’s 7:02, so you’re technically seventeen minutes late by…”

“Fine.” He rushed forward and pecked her lips. “I’ll be home soon,” he said before disappearing.

She waited a moment before throwing off the blankets and pulling herself up from the pillow cocoon, moving to the window to see if the southern window was lit.

It was a bit of a signal. He had more alone time than she did, so his light was usually on when she was looking to talk. She moved to the bedroom and turned on the radio. “You there?”

“Where else would I be?” he answered.

“Shut up.”

“No. I was thinking about hitting the clubs tonight, but it’s hard to get a cab up here.” He chuckled. ”How are you?”

“A little smothered tonight. I think they all think I’m upset.”

“Why?”

“Tess Mercer sent me on leave early, also told me not to work from home.”

”And that’s not upsetting you?”

“Not enough for all this fuss. I don’t know. They finally went on patrol.”

Davis sighed. “Sometimes I wonder what that’s like.”

“Lots of waiting around on either end. It’s very hurry-up-and-wait.”

“No. I mean having a useful power. You know, I tried to suppress it for so long, but sometimes I think about what it would have been like to be left with some of it. Just to… maybe use it for good.”

She frowned. “You think that would have been possible with your make-up?”

“No. I just… I guess it would be nice if my make-up was more like Clark’s. Less dangerous.”

“You’re wrong on that. Clark’s powers could be dangerous if he was… well…”

“Not Clark?”

“Basically.”

“It’s useless, anyhow. I don’t know if it’s something I could make up for.”

“Davis, don’t…”

“Chloe, you don’t have to calm me down anymore. I can live with acknowledging what I’ve done. I just… I don’t know if I can…”

“What?” Chloe prodded when he stopped.

“I don't know if I'll ever live with it happily. I don't even know if I deserve to.”

“Davis,” she sighed. “Look at the situation you were in. I can't say I wouldn't have...”

“You wouldn't have. You would never have hurt anyone, not even low life criminals.”

“Neither of us could say that for sure -- how much of what you did was nature or how much was nurture.”

“Still, it’s hard to always struggle between two realities. I think it could drive a person mad.”

“Or between two possibilities,” she said, almost to herself.

“Meaning?”

She held her tongue. She hadn’t really meant to say that.

“Out with it, Chloe. Is this an ‘it’ or ‘him’ conundrum?”

“I need to go,” she said quickly.

“Chloe…”

“We’ll talk more tomorrow. I have to go to sleep,” she said quickly, shutting the radio off before he could say a word.

But she didn’t sleep. Not even after Clark came back, crawled into her bed, and did things designed to tire her out.

She cried, of course. And he kept his eyes closed until the end. But he didn’t settle down after handing her a tissue. 

He leaned over her. “Chloe, are you unhappy?”

“I told you. It’s these stupid hormones. I just…” She blew her nose as if to avoid finishing the thought.

“Just answer,” he said softly.

“I want to be happy.”

“I want to make that happen,” he whispered. 

Do you have a time machine?

She thought better of saying it. But it was a thought that entered her mind more than once when it came to her and Clark. She saw herself that summer after the Spring Formal, telling him they were better off as friends when she really wanted to go on that date he offered. She thought of that moment after Dark Thursday when she joked she wasn’t expecting them to hook up and she never saw that he wasn’t joking about that kiss. She wanted to go back to those moments and so many others and change them so they could have grabbed that happiness while they could. 

Because now, the way things were right now, she wasn’t sure she could see happiness in their future. 

So she closed her eyes and met his lips because that was all she knew of happiness now.

**********************

He woke up to feed the animals again and she saw a mark on his neck. But she kept silent, let him leave as she knew that gave her only a little time till he came back.

She pulled out the radio. “Davis?” She hadn’t checked for the light, but she hoped…

“Chloe?” He sounded groggy. ”I’m up.”

“I’m sorry to…”

“No. I was hoping you’d call. I think we left things weirdly last night.”

“Maybe a little,” she said softly, bracing herself. “I know I did. Davis…”

“I don’t want to pressure you. Sometimes I feel bad enough, you have to deal with this because of me. If you don’t want to…”

“Davis, I want to talk about it,” she broke in. “I have to talk about it. Openly. Just once.”

There was silence. “About what?”

“I can’t stand the thought of it,” she said, sniffling now. “Him being hurt when all he does is… I mean, he’s bought little outfits and toys and I want to believe… But I don’t know if I can.”

“Chloe, slow down. Are you talking about Clark?”

“I hurt him. He says it didn’t hurt, doesn’t hurt, that it heals. And maybe it does, but I can’t stand that it can even happen…”

“Okay. Calm down. Just start from the beginning. You hurt Clark somehow?”

“He says it doesn’t hurt,” she sobbed. 

“Chloe, just tell me. I might be the only one who can help.”

She took a deep breath and started from the beginning, leaving out the more intimate parts. He stopped her when she got to Christmas night.

“So you black out?”

“Not exactly. It just. It happens without me realizing it. He thinks it’s fine. He thinks I'm carrying a little leaguer and everything will be fine and I wish… I wish I could believe that.”

“No, this is good. I spent so long in denial. You're dealing with it. You know there’s something different here and… Chloe, we can get through this.”

“How?” she sobbed.

“I don’t know yet. If all else fails, we run away.” He laughed, as if this could be laughed at. ”We’re good at that.”

He was silent after that and she wondered if he wasn’t joking at all. She didn’t have time to figure it out as there was a knock at her front door. 

”Chloe?”

“I have to go,” she said, turning the radio off and shoving it away before getting up, pulling the blankets around her as she moved to the living room. It couldn’t be Clark. He never knocked anymore.

“Who is it?” she called out, drying her eyes quickly.

“That girl you used to talk to before you got a boyfriend.”

She laughed slightly and dried up as she moved to the door. “You know, we haven’t labeled…”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it,” Dinah called out. “Sex is more fun than girl talk. But I think we’re due for some. Open up.”

Chloe did and Dinah moved in. “Okay. Get dressed. I’m thinking omelets and maybe mimosas… I mean for me. You can have yours virgin-style, despite your activities these days.”

She tried to laugh. She really had been neglecting Dinah. “You know, it’s early for this. I'm not dressed. Why don’t you come back in…”

“I can wait.” Dinah planted herself on the couch and crossed her legs. 

“I think I need more rest is all.”

“Pfft! Go on. I might even let you go out in jammies, but at least some shoes. Chop, chop!”

Chloe frowned at her. Usually, any one of them backed off the minute she said she was tired. Something was up. 

It took two cabs, three omelets between them, and two hours, but she found out what when Dinah insisted she come into headquarters to check out the redesigned commissary.

She should have known the redesign would consist of blue and white balloons and streamers.

“SURPRISE!”

CHAPTER 24

I promise to be back by January 15th or you are free to come after me!

And now for replies on 22...

m said...

Thank you so much for the new update. I really enjoyed Davis & Chloe's conversation, and can't wait for the next chapter.

December 2, 2014 at 11:17 PM 

They're definitely getting down to the nitty-gritty as they go. :)

Anonymous said...

Love the update, Thanks!

December 8, 2014 at 9:49 PM 

So glad you enjoyed. :) I only wish there was a shorter wait between. We're coming to the end, so I hope things move more quickly.