Also I can add gifs to replies now! That always makes me happy!
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Chapter 22
They didn't wake up until past three, Chloe mildly panicking about her ruined sleep schedule and her more than ruined top and her wasted day and Clark grinning at her, reminding her it was New Year's Day.
“We don't have anything to do or anywhere to be. I don't even have patrol, so...” He raised his eyebrows and patted the bed.
She pursed her lips, not sure if she wanted to laugh or scream right now. How could he be so chipper? She tossed her shirt in the wastebasket and moved to him. “Clark, I...”
His eyes zeroed in on her breasts immediately. “Yeah?”
She course-corrected and moved to his dresser, grabbing a white shirt from the badly folded tangle of red, white, and blue. “Very patriotic drawer you have here,” she muttered, pulling the shirt on
“I'm a man who knows what he likes.” He was behind her by the time she poked her head out, trying to pull it up. “Is that what you wanted to tell me?” He laughed.
“No.” She pushed the shirt down resolutely and turned to him. “Just... Last night...”
“Technically this morning,” he cut in, gripping the hem of the T-shirt, lightly tugging her back to the bed.
“Fine. This morning...”
He sat down, twisting a hand in the fabric and pulling her to him. “Yeah?”
“This morning…” She couldn’t even finish the sentence. The part of her that could organize patrols and outline a story really wanted to call it the worst timing at the least and, at the most, a horrible mistake. But there was this other part of her that was still staring at blue striped jumper and holding a little rattle and just wanted to finish that sentence in a wet sob and wrap herself around him. And yet another part of her, the one that had no problem with the hand snaking up that T-shirt, wanted to wrap herself around him in an entirely different way.
“This morning… I mean, I…” She couldn’t do any of those things, not with him staring up at her with a goofy smile. “We didn’t eat. I’m starving,” she finally said, knowing that would at least buy her some time to think. “I haven’t eaten since…”
He was gone.
Good.
She had to decide. What was this? The worst thing ever or the best? Could it actually be both? She backed away from the bed, but that didn’t help because she could see that white bag with blue dots. She could also see her abandoned, still tangled pants. That helped a little. A shower might help a little more.
He knocked on the bathroom door halfway through, offering both breakfast and help scrubbing any hard-to-reach places. She passed on one, but said she’d be downstairs for the other soon. Then she stood under the spray, trying to decide what to say when she did go downstairs, what to do.
Then again, wasn’t it New Years Day? A nationally recognized holiday? Didn’t Clark just point out they had nothing to do and nowhere to be?
They ended up on his couch, watching the DVR-ed parade and pretending, at least on her end, that nothing had changed. Sometimes, if she closed her eyes, she could imagine Martha Kent poking her head out of the kitchen and asking them if they wanted sodas or chips.
Well, except for Clark lying behind her with a hand up her (technically, his) shirt. That kind of muddied the flashback. Not that teenage Chloe would have minded. Come to think of it, grown-up Chloe didn’t mind. What was the problem here?
His hand slid to her stomach as if to remind her.
“Has he been kicking a lot lately,” he asked lightly.
“Huh?”
His hand circled lightly. “I felt him a few times when you were sleeping. You didn’t even wake up. I figured you were used to it happening if you can sleep through it.”
“Uh… I don’t know if it’s kicking, exactly. But he adjusts a lot more.” How was he so okay about this?
“Darn. I was thinking you had a little soccer player in there. I mean, it’s not my sport, but I could get into it.”
She frowned. “Yes. He’s a boy, so there must be some sport assigned to every action.”
“Hey, I’d feel the same about a girl. Like I told you, sports help with coordination, adjustment, discipline…”
“Yes, sports are the best. Can we watch the parade now?”
He chuckled. “Isn’t that the Met U color guard? Look at their coordination. I bet they played team sports growing up.”
She sat up. “Well, they had to crack a book to get in there, so…”
He pulled her back down, chuckling. “Shh! I can’t hear the commentary.”
“And here comes Underdog!”
“You know, Fred, with the size of that balloon, I wouldn't go around calling him Underdog.”
“Ha! Certainly not where he can hear, Donna. He’s definitely a top dog today!”
“Yeah, that’s great stuff,” Chloe muttered.
Clark reached over her for a handful of popcorn. “What do you want? They’re morning show people.”
“It’s not even that. I mean, how many people watching even know who Underdog was? I only know from retro cartoons on cable.”
“I watched a few and I like Underdog. He’s got a cool M.O.”
“You would.” Chloe sighed. “I have this theory about the Metropolis parade. They pay half price for all the balloons nobody else wants. I mean Underdog, some random smiley face, a gummy bear… We don’t even have Garfield!”
“Ooh, it’s a conspiracy. Maybe you should have volunteered to cover it.”
“In sub-zero weather? No, thank you. And stop eating over me. You’re getting popcorn in my hair and down my shirt...”
“My shirt. But I bet I can clean it up with no hands.” He tucked her under him and dove in.
“Stop!” She yelled it, but it must have lost its punch with all the giggles. “Seriously, Clark… we… No, stop! We need to…. to talk.”
He stilled and came out from under the T-shirt, red-faced, clearing his throat. “I guess we probably should, after last night.”
She sighed and pushed herself up, leaning against one arm and facing him as he braced himself against the other. She stared at him, trying to think how to start. “Clark… Last night was amazing and insane and… and…”
“And probably something we should have done a long time ago,” he added soberly.
“Maybe,” she had to agree. “But that’s just it. There was a time for that then and now…” Well, she wanted to say this wasn’t the time, that having any more sex would just complicate things further… But his leg was almost casually brushing hers and maybe one more…
“Chloe, it was my fault.”
She let out a breath of laughter, rolling her eyes. “Clark, if anyone was pushing things along, it was…”
“No, it was my fault we never talked like this before. Months ago, you tried to tell me… and at least twice, I just brushed you off, saying we needed to start over.”
Apparently, he thought she was talking about the deep, dark secrets portion of last night. “No, I mean…”
“What we really needed was to get it all out. You were right about that.”
Not that she didn’t love being right, in general, but... “See, I…”
He tucked his legs under, leaned into her. “The worst part is that I should have known better, after all these years. There should be no secrets when you’re part of a working team.”
“Exactly. On that note…”
“Don’t worry.” He pulled her to him, tucked her head into his shoulder. “I’m going to clear things up with Oliver.”
She frowned, leaning against him. “Clear things up how?”
“I mean, he can’t just blackmail you and…”
“Clark!” She pushed away. “You’re not going to say a word about that. I never meant to tell you that! I was overtired and…”
“Chloe, I don’t care. You spent all this time thinking you were some remorseless murderer because he…”
“He was in a dark place!”
“You know what? We were all in a dark place that year!”
“He funds everything we do now, the patrols, the lives we save…”
“You said it yourself last night, Chloe. You don’t get a free pass on all your bullshit just because you save lives!”
She stood up. “You know what? Fine! Let’s get it all out with everyone. Let’s make sure they know that I pushed you into that wall…”
“Chloe…”
“That I can hurt you now!”
“That’s between us! You barely ever…”
She whirled on him. “But it happened, Clark. If you think everything that happens needs to be aired out, then why not that? What I told you about Oliver was supposed to be between us, but if we’re loosening that whole…”
“Chloe!” He gripped her arms, stilling her. “It’s not the same thing.”
“Yes. It was almost a year ago and barely applies to anything now, unlike my little problem,” she finished on a rather broken breath. “So you tell me…”
He didn’t tell her anything. He just pulled her in, meeting her lips, then pulled her to the couch.
She let him, more than let him.
And that was probably a bad idea. She’d decided it had to be, but it didn’t feel like one when he touched her.
************
By the time she got home, it was dark and she had to physically shoo Clark out as he was making very suggestive remarks about tucking her in. But she ended up pulling him in just as he was out the door upon seeing a very noticeable mark on his neck.
“It’s just… It’s like a hickey,” he said, brushing her off. “Come on. Don’t make a big deal out of it.”
“But it is a big…”
“I kind of like it.” He leaned in. “I could give you one, I bet, if I was careful.”
“Clark, that’s not the point. If I…”
“Chloe, if I were fully human, this wouldn't be a big deal.” He threw up his hands. “I told you before. I’m not afraid of you and this… This is just... Hell, it's actually evening things up. Do you know how afraid I’ve been of this?” He pulled her close. “Of us? Even before us, I was so afraid of hurting anyone who got close to me? But with you…”
“What? Is this better? That I can hurt you?”
“You haven’t hurt me!”
“I marked you. You can say it didn’t hurt all you like…”
“Because it didn’t!”
She shooed him out for real, then, not wanting to talk about it anymore. How could she, when he refused to even acknowledge it? Clark seemed intent on making it out to be harmless. She’d already failed at talking to Emil about it and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to talk to Sarah about it -- or at all, after Sarah’s manipulative little impromptu couples session. There was only one person who might understand. He’d been there, after all.
She pulled the two-way radio from her nightstand drawer and plugged it in, stared at it for… she didn’t even know how long, but at least until the little red light turned green.
She reached for it, then, but that was as far as she got. She never picked it up.
*************
January 2nd marked her last session with Sarah, though Chloe didn’t know it when she walked in at 7 a.m. She’d planned for this one to be different, though. Sessions with Sarah had been a check in before work, something to help her get through the week to come. She hadn’t appreciated Sarah turning her interview into a couples’ session with Clark and she had been prepared to tell her so.
It wasn’t until Sarah smiled, pushed that ever present plate of baked goods across the repurposed room’s coffee table, that she wondered… What was the point?
Would Sarah stop sticking her do-gooder nose in? Probably not.
And hadn’t it done some good? Maybe too much good, considering where that night had gone. But before then, hadn’t she and Clark hashed out every damned thing that was weighing them down?
No. She wasn’t actually mad at Sarah. Even when she considered Sarah’s true purpose here, dealing with Davis, hiding that from her along with all of them, she couldn’t be angry.
They were trying, all of them, to do the right thing, whatever that was. So she couldn’t be angry. She also couldn't be blind to all she knew. She pretty much didn’t know how to be these days.
“You don’t seem to have much to say today.” Sarah laughed. “Or anything to say,” she finished awkwardly.
“I’m just trying to sort it out,” Chloe said calmly. “I need a minute.”
“Okay.” Sarah smiled.
“Is the rest of the gang better? When you work with them?” Chloe forced a laugh. “I’d hate to think I’m harder to deal with than Bart.”
Sarah held her smile. “Let’s just say Bart is… always Bart.”
“Even in sessions?” Chloe prodded.
Sarah shrugged. “Every time I see Bart, he’s… an energetic force,” she finished with a laugh
Chloe tried to force one as well. At least that confirmed it, along with the way Sarah and Clark and just about all of them hedged about their sessions with Group Counselor Sarah. They didn’t have them. Sarah was here for Davis… and her. The two most damaged and damaging parties in all this.
Chloe leaned over the coffee table. “If I asked you something, point blank, would you answer me honestly?”
Sarah didn’t flinch. “Yes. I would.”
Why didn’t anyone tell me Davis was here? Why do they hide so much? Am I so fragile they think I can’t handle it?
Then again, didn’t she know the answers to those? They all, Clark included, seemed to think Davis being here was something she didn’t want to know. And, God help her, she wished she didn’t sometimes. If she’d never gone all Bluebeard’s wife, she’d just be dealing with an unplanned pregnancy, a desirable career, and an extremely desirable man, who she had spent many years actively desiring, who seemed to have no problem with that first problem with the way Clark had been fussing over her for months, bought sporty onesies and toys. If this were any normal pregnancy, her only issue might be Clark’s annoying investment in making that poor kid play sports.
But this wasn’t a normal pregnancy and Clark wasn’t the father. The father was locked up in the attic. And she had to think of how he fit into all that or if he even should.
“Chloe?”
“I’m just… gathering my thoughts.”
Sarah shook her head. “That’s not a good sign.”
“So you know me so well,” Chloe snapped.
Sarah drew back. “I just know you’re at your most honest when you don’t have time to over think things. I think most people are.”
“You want me to be honest?” Chloe leaned forward. “Okay, let’s just talk about my dream. You know why I run from Clark? Because I don’t want to hurt him. See, I once had this very pleasant dream about Davis Bloome.” She stopped, waited to see if Sarah flinched. She didn’t. She was as good at hiding as the rest of them, Chloe supposed. “I gave in to Davis in this dream and Clark ended up as some gory trophy mounted on the wall, so I can’t help thinking this new dream is just more of the same. I run off with this baby and Clark chases me and… I’m not afraid of Clark. I’m afraid for Clark. I get that now because… because…” because I can hurt him right now. So what does that mean about what’s inside me?
She couldn’t even make herself finish that, not for Sarah, not for anyone. It was too horrifying to comprehend. She slid a hand over her belly. How could she fear this baby and still want to protect it… him… it?
She stood, suddenly annoyed again, that she had to be open when everyone she knew was hiding so much. “Maybe I’m not the problem. Maybe it’s them.”
“Them?”
“Come on, Sarah, they have their secrets.” She strode to the window, not expecting Sarah to confirm or deny anything, but needing to say what she could. “Oliver keeps making vague hints at plans, fixing everything, then he's always out of town. Victor still looks at me like I'm a ticking baby bomb who’s gonna blow any second. Bart just keeps feeding me and making jokes. Dinah keeps pushing me at Clark as if a little sex would solve everything. But it didn’t. It’s only confusing me more!”
“So you and…”
“And Clark is the worst of all of them!” She swiped at her eyes and turned from the window. “He's buying toys and little outfits and I’m not even supposed to know he did it and… and… How am I supposed to tell him he can’t?”
Sarah shook her head. “Can’t what?”
“He can’t play Daddy,” she sobbed. “I don’t even think Clark should be in a ten foot radius of,” she cradled her stomach, “him… it. God! Him, it! I can’t even decide. So you want to know how you can help me?”
Sarah seemed like she wanted to nod, but couldn’t quite get there.
“You tell me what’s going to happen! Because every damned problem I have is solved by just knowing that! What to do! What's the future? What am I even carrying?”
“I don’t…”
“This baby might come out all sweet and soft and adorable, but what about later? That's what I need to know and, unless you're psychic, you can't help with that!”
Sarah took a breath, then nodded, as if conceding. “I wish I could.”
“Then I don’t see the point in going on with this.” Chloe moved to the door, gripped the knob, then stilled. “I know you want to help, but nobody here, you included, actually knows what I'm going through,” Chloe finished before moving out.
***************
It was a bit of a relief to get back to work that morning. It was something she could be sure of. She clocked in, dealt with edits, took assignments (usually extremely boring or fluffy ones with her increasingly obvious condition), dealt with gossip, made excuses for Clark’s two disappearances that afternoon, and clocked out.
Granted, the gossip she’d dealt with hadn’t always been so personal, but she’d like to think she laughed it off as easily as if it wasn’t. No, she was not getting married. No, Clark was not a deadbeat. And why did everyone think Clark was the father? Also, Clark ruined everything when he showed up after his little absence and very obviously put his arm around her with most of their floor in line for the elevator behind them.
Clark didn’t seem to see any problem with that, as they walked back to her place. “I only touched your shoulder and your waist and…”
“And asked what we’re doing for dinner.”
“You still didn’t answer, by the way.”
“Clark, I spent all day telling everyone you’re not my babydaddy only for you to make it look like you are, making you the asshole who’s not putting a ring on it.”
“Is that all? Who…”
“And the ones that don’t, think that think Jimmy knocked me up and ran off, making him the asshole. The rest probably think I just sleep around so much I don’t even know, making me the asshole!”
“Why is anyone the... asshole?” he finished hesitantly, then nudged her. “And so what if they think I’m the father? They’re probably going to keep thinking it, so let 'em.”
“Oh, God!” She stopped in front of headquarters. “You actually do want to play daddy,” she said, almost under her breath… which didn’t matter because Clark heard anyway.
“Play daddy?” He turned her to face him. “What do you mean by that?”
They’d done enough fighting the other night. She wasn’t itching for more. She took a deep breath, trying to sound as reasonable and level-headed as possible. “You talk about him playing team sports, you say it’s okay if people think he’s yours. I’m just saying that those are some pretty big presumptions.”
“Okay,” he said tightly, drumming a hand against his thigh. “I’m just saying that I don’t care if they do think that. And I’m not presuming anything. I know exactly who the father is. But, considering the choices that father made, I don’t think he’ll be around or even that he should.”
“I see. So are we going to hash it out, that last little secret?”
Clark pursed his lips, stared at her for a long time. “I thought we didn’t have any more secrets. Unless you have something to share.”
She did. So did he. And she just didn’t want to get into it. “I… found the bag under your bed,” she said instead.
He blinked at her. “That wasn’t a secret. It was a surprise.”
She narrowed her eyes. “A surprise for what?”
“You know what.”
She turned and moved to her building. “So now we’re going to throw a little blue and white party? What exactly do you think I’m carrying?”
He followed her. “A baby. That’s all we have to go on now. And some of us think there should be a baby shower.”
She took out her keys. “And some of us don’t.” She wondered who else was on her team with this. Definitely Oliver, maybe Victor, too.
“He’s going to need…”
“I’m not stupid, Clark. I know there are basic… supplies to get before h... it… things happen,” she finished, still having pronoun issues. She jerked open the main door, but turned to stop him following her in. “But I will get them. This is not something that requires a party.”
“Seriously?” He backed away a step. “When you moved in here, we talked about giving this kid a chance.”
“We? There you go again, presuming…”
“Fine. You talked about it. But I told you I’d be there and I meant it. So what are you saying now, that you don’t want me there?”
No… and yes. If this were the kind of pregnancy that invited showers, there would be no question about wanting him there. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m tired and... Don’t you have patrol?” She started to close the door.
He stopped it with his hand. “I’m tired, too. I have been fighting you for months now on every little thing and maybe I should take the hint and just stop,” he finished, turning and stalking off.
She stared at the empty space he’d left for a moment before letting the front door close. She’d ended up picking a fight after all. It was just as well, she decided as she moved to the elevator. At least being in a fight lowered her risk of sleeping with him. If she knew anything about Clark after all these years, she wouldn’t see him for at least twenty-four hours. She’d have that much time to figure out exactly how to get to the hug at the end of this fight.
She couldn’t even pace the floor, her body was so tired from all the extra weight she was carting around. She ended up sitting in bed, trying to decide if she wanted to eat, sleep, or cry. She knew all three had to happen, but not in what order.
The decision was taken out of her hands and she pulled several tissues from the box on her nightstand, giving in.
“So what are you saying now, that you don’t want me there?”
That was the problem, right there, she did want him there and it was a selfish thing to want, considering what was inside her. She’d seen the evidence by now, the changes in her. This wasn’t a normal child. The question was: how not normal?
She stared at her nightstand drawer, even went so far as to pull the radio out. When had things started for Davis? They’d tried so hard not to talk about the beast in their time on the run, tried to keep things light, as if speaking of it would call it into being. Right now, she wanted to know…
There was a knock on her front door. She quickly shoved it back in the drawer and moved out, swiping at her eyes. “Who is it?”
“Guess,” she heard – angrily, too. “This’ll just take a second.”
Somehow, from Clark’s tone, she doubted it, but she opened the door.
Clark held out a container, not meeting her eyes. “I’m not here to bother you or presume or anything. Just had time before patrol, so I brought you dinner. It’s spaghetti. Sorry if that’s presumptuous or something. But Bart made it and said to bring you some, so here!”
She took the tupperware. “Tell him thanks,” she said blandly, deciding not to address the rest.
“I will.” He turned away, then just as quickly back. “By the way, just want to point out that it’s pretty much common knowledge that if you’re in a relationship with someone who has a kid, then you are in a relationship with the kid, too, and that includes a kid who’s… not quite born.” He met her eyes in the open doorway. “That’s just how it works unless you’re some kind of jerk, which I don’t think I am.”
“I never said you were. But how are we in a relationship?”
He huffed loudly – and strongly enough to blow her hair back. “So yesterday meant… I mean, what did that mean to you?”
“I don’t know,” she said, clutching the tupperware with both shaky hands and moving to her kitchen. That was the very thing she was having pretty much no luck figuring out. “I told you, Clark. I can’t think about the future because I have no idea what will be in it,” she said as she placed the food on the counter with blurring vision.
“How about me?” He was right on her heels. “I’m in it. Okay? You want to call that playing daddy or being presumptuous, then fine. But I’m there. So if you don’t want me there now, then… then… tough,” he finished, his voice softening as he turned her to him. “Have you been crying?”
“No,” she lied, which was a dumb, as even that came out on a sob.
He didn’t say anything else, just pulled her in and held her in the tiny kitchenette, rubbing her back and breathing with her. “Chloe, I’m here,” he whispered.
It was supposed to make her feel better, but she just sobbed harder. Every time she tried to tell him that this kid could be dangerous, that she could be dangerous when carrying him, Clark just brushed it off. It was no use trying anymore. What would she have to do? Leave?
The thought of it broke something in her and she pulled away, but only enough to meet his lips, walk them both back to her bedroom, pull him inside before that radio beeped. It was another mistake. It had to be, no matter how much it felt like anything but that. But it was one she needed to make while she could.
**************
While she could, she decided to keep manning Watchtower. There was no secret agenda in those weeks. She didn’t even try to see Davis when they were off patrolling. She didn’t want them to know that she knew, after all. It would just muddle things up even more. And things were muddled enough.
It would help if Clark stopped coming by with lame excuses. It would help even more if she didn’t, after he’d finished fixing a wobbly table or being sure her heating vents were clean enough, pull him back from hemming and hawing at the door and into her room. She’d have more time to think if she wasn’t always between touches. It seemed her time was always divided between sex with Clark and not having sex with Clark and that was no way to live.
But damn if it didn’t seem like living, every time he touched her. But she could barely ignore the ever –literally – growing presence between them and the tiny marks she left in her more insensible moments.
“Just let me look at it,” she insisted, following him to the door as he shrugged into his red jacket, not even a shirt on, covering the finger nail marks on his shoulder.
“No. It’s fine. I have to feed the animals. Besides, I think I may have done that one.”
“How, Clark?” She stomped her foot. “Stop brushing this off!”
“I’m not.” He leaned in to meet her lips quickly. “We can talk about it later, if you’re so worried.”
“We never do because you keep saying it’s nothing!”
“In a few minutes, it will be gone with a little sunlight, so it will be nothing!” he turned at the open door. “Chloe, I would tell you if it hurt.” He leaned in again.
But she stepped back. “No, you wouldn’t.”
He sighed. “We’ll talk at work later.”
“No, we won’t,” she said, but he was gone. “It’s Saturday,” she finished lamely.
In these last weeks, they’d gone over so many pieces of who they were to each other, who they could be, but this aspect, this idea that there was any danger between her, him, and what she carried while she carried it… He refused to even entertain the idea.
“He’s a baby, Chloe. Even if he had the ability to hurt me, how could he?”
Considering she still had issues with the “he” and “it” of it all, she was annoyed that Clark seemed so secure with “he.” It made her feel both guilty on her part and afraid on his. But he shut right off whenever she tried to share those fears, so much that she wondered if she hadn’t cut things off with Sarah too soon.
Then again, Sarah wasn’t the only person to talk to. She wasn’t even the best one. She shivered and closed her robe as she moved back to her room, staring at her nightstand drawer.
She didn’t like to think of him as an option, very often liked to forget he was there. If he wasn’t, she’d just be a single mom-to-be dealing with an overly solicitous boyfriend… if she could call Clark that. She wasn’t sure if he’d love or hate the title, it being such a juvenile word for a grown man and woman.
She stared at the radio, knowing she had to use it sooner or later. Why had she taken it if not to use it? Maybe just a test, to make sure it worked…
She pulled it to her, held the button on the side. “H-Hello?”
Nothing.
Of course, that wasn’t the correct terminology. Davis had been a paramedic. “Bloome? Do you copy?” She released the button and laughed at herself. If he wasn’t answering, it wasn’t because of proper radio technique. Maybe he knew, as she did, that they were better off not speaking. Their brief time together had made enough trouble and…
“Yes, Chloe.”
She stared at the radio.
”I mean, yes. Copy, Sullivan.”
She pressed the button. “Hi, there.”
“Hi. I’ve been hoping you’d call.”
“Really?” Her fingers slipped on the button and she righted them. “I figured you were hoping I wouldn’t call at five in the morning. Maybe not at all,” she added lightly, then regretted the addition.
“Why not at all?”
“I don’t know,” she lied.
”No, tell me.”
She stayed silent. Her instinct was to lie and say it was a joke, but she was damned sick of either brushing everything off or outright lying.
"Chloe? You still there?”
“I am. I didn’t think you wanted to talk much, since you didn’t seem too happy about my… baby-on-board situation.”
“I’m still not. I wouldn’t wish what I had on another… being.” She could detect a slight sneer in his voice. “But what’s done is done. Maybe the… situation won’t be like mine. We can all hope.”
She frowned in the predawn light. She hadn’t expected that much honesty. She barely knew what to do with it. Still, something about this baby being referred to as “what’s done is done” or “the situation” rankled her for his… its sake.
“I hear you stopped seeing Sarah.”
She shook her head and pressed the button. “From where?”
“Sarah. We talk candidly sometimes. I asked how you were and she said she barely knew as you stopped seeing her. She seemed hurt.”
“Yes, I’m a horrible person for rejecting Saint Sarah.”
“No need to get so defensive.” He laughed. “I know she can be a little much sometimes, but she only digs in because she really wants to help.”
“Yes. They all do. I have constant help with every aspect of my life. But I’ve gotten all the help Sarah can give me. I don’t need some well-meaning outsider’s perspective, I need….” She took a deep breath and went on. “I need to know what the future could hold or who it could hurt.” She released the button, waiting.
There was silence on the other end, for what seemed like a full minute before he spoke. “And why do you think the future could hurt anyone?”
She hadn’t told anyone she’d marked Clark. And he seemed so insistent on keeping it that way. Sometimes she agreed. Certain members of the group were only just starting to treat her with something approaching normality. She didn’t want to ruin that just yet. But Davis… there was nothing normal there to start. Couldn’t he be someone she could tell?
She took a breath, but couldn’t even begin to start. There was something about his attitude to whatever it was inside her, the sort of detached hostility that was strange and off-putting.
“I don’t know for sure,” she lied. “That’s all I’m saying. In that moment, when this happened, how much of you was human and how much…”
There was a beep and she let up on the button.
“None of me was ever human. You should know that. Even the parts that seemed that way were from Kryptonian DNA.”
“Of course. Yes. I knew that, I guess, but you never displayed powers.” She frowned. “Do you have anything now?”
“A pretty good immune system and it’s hard to leave a mark on me, but nothing showy like Clark.” He chuckled bitterly.
“Clark’s never showy,” she had to point out.
“But he could be if he wanted to. I don’t know. I never looked into or thought much about my abilities. I just focused on keeping them away, most times. But I think about it sometimes. Most of the strength and speed or even stamina I had were contained to the beast and everything else… Well, you saw for yourself. They were more… adaptational, reactionary abilities, like the invulnerability and even a kind of camouflage. I took on the human form without thinking, picked up language. It’s like I could see and mirror.”
“And what about the beast?”
“What about it?”
“When did it start?”
“I don’t know for sure. Because I can’t remember my life without the blackouts.”
“But when did it first… hurt someone?”
“I told you what Tess told me.”
“But maybe she was telling it wrong. She wasn’t there."
"Lionel was. And his men were found dead."
"But you were just a kid. How could you really have…”
“It didn’t matter. I was angry and scared and it all came back when she told me. It's unavoidable, Chloe. The first day I killed was the first day I existed.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
I'm just going to update my Chlex fic (they've been waiting nearly 5 months by now), then I'll come right back to this one.
Previous Chapter replies...
Chapter 11:
J Bridger said...
You must hate me for being so behind. I did read this chapter back in December but I thought I'd left a comment at the time. Of course, you also know the shit storm my life has been for a full year so I guess it evens out.
I do love this fic. I love Lex and Tess squaring off, Chlark doing reporting, the powers conversation, just general mother henning and now the problem of the strength coming on.
I don't hate you in the least! Hell, I take long enough getting the chapters out that I can never fault someone for not reviewing by some set schedule. Seriously, don't worry about it. :)
I really did enjoy describing Clark mother-henning Chloe to death! After season 8, this was a nice way to even things out. :)
Chapter 12:
J Bridger said...
As much as every damned one of this gang needs therapy, I think Chloe would benefit in particular. They can look to their special powers and double lives as almost an excuse, but she had to reconcile this existence with nothing like that. To an outsider, she might look like someone with a death wish.
Chapter 13:
J Bridger said...
I also do like the Tess and lex. She has a point. granted, it's easier said than done to stop caring, I know , but at the same time, I can't help feeling that part of his issue with Clark really is he thinks he's OWED secrets.
We will be finding out what's causing John's issues before the end.
I really do enjoy writing the gang just hanging out and enjoying each other whenever I get the chance. :)
As for Lex, he is quite entitled, isn't he? I'm of two minds with Lex on some things. On one hand, I think Lex may be a better man right now if Clark had been honest with him and let him be part of that world. Then again, maybe Lex would have used that knowledge in the worst way. The again, this secret is Clark's and Clark's alone. He wasn't obligated to tell anyone, including Lex and Lana and neither displayed an ability to handle that knowledge the way Chloe did when they did find out.
Either way, I do think Lex as a character got a raw deal and just deserved more love in his life and more respect from the show.
J Bridger said...
Chloe is finally opening up to poor Sarah. As for Sarah, there's a bit of "Therapist, heal thyself" with Victor. Or not really. They're quite awkwardly feeling their way to each other. It's sweet. :)
J Bridger said...
I think that it was a good luck at Tess and her own issues with independence and growing up
"She stared at her blinds in the fading sunlight and suddenly they looked an awful lot like bars."
When you're in Luthor world, then it's always a cage or a trap. I think that this is a great use of oft-forgotten Lucas Luthor too.
Of course, how can I not love Dinah getting her reality tv fix with Chloe and the Fever letter, I'd forgotten abuot it almost, isn't that funny. I'd definitely forgotten how crappily it was reintroduced, assuredly. However, I'm with Bkwurm, I love the idea of it being read over and over.
Also wrt Clark and kissing = about damn time.
You think? LOL. It did take me a while to get them there in this fic.
I have a special place in my heart for the fever letter. I truly believe it was not set up to be brushed aside. I just love the idea of Clark discovering it and pondering it and coming to the conclusion most Chlarkers do. It means something, damn it!
And I'm so glad you're enjoying Tess. One of my favorite things about this fic is the chance to get into her head a little.
Chapter Sixteen:
J Bridger said...
The conversation that started the chapter...okay mostly Clark's awkward rant was fun. I mean he's the type of guy who just needs to actually say things moreso than Chloe does. It does feel perfectly him to time everything that absolute worst fucking way he could and yes MAKE HIM WAIT!
I definitely liked turning the pining tables a little. :)
J Bridger said...
Hmm is Gabe getting some?
Also, I thought Tess kicked MAJOR ASS in this chapter. Just shove it Lex. Take the mind games and the bullshit and suck on the fact you ARE every bit as bad and as weak as Lionel. July 18, 2014 at 11:38 PM
Oh Tess, no. Just leave, just go. Even Lucas the deadbeat is better than Lex. It'll only hurt you in the end.
I like the Bart kissing game, poor John and Oliver. Also the Bart-Dinah 1-2 punch is great teamwork. July 18, 2014 at 11:53 PM
I love Bart and Dinah having appointed themselves to Chloe's cheer-up squad. :)
As for Tess, I really do want her to find some way to escape Lex's control before the end. I'm working on it.
Chapter Nineteen:
J Bridger said...
I really love your Tess. I have a feeling her crises and changes in opinions might be the one thing that might save the baby, assuming it's not truly 100% monster or is it?
Bart continues to be the cutest and most immature guy ever.
Flirting Clark is cute and funnier than the mopey version. NOt really any more effective or suave but still cute.
Mrs. Rochester is upstairs ;)
LOL. It is a bit Jane-Eyre-ian. Does that make Oliver Grace Poole? He's the one everyone's always saying is up there.
Flirty Clark is definitely more fun to write than mopey Clark, that's for damned sure. Also Bart. I always look for any excuse to put him in.
As for Tess, thanks so much. It's been nice having an opportunity to write her. She's definitely floating from side to side right now. We'll see where she lands in the end.
Chapter 20:
laurelnola (who doesn't have a google account anymore!)
- Okay, so I'm reading this story in the weirdest way possible. I read the first chapter, and loved it, but was having computer problems and couldn't comment. I figured since I couldn't comment, I shouldn't read. And now that my computer works again it coincides with the arrival of the infamous nooky chapter. So, erm, I just skipped right to that one, or at least this chapter leading up to it. Sorry! I'm only human!
Suffice it to say, though, I realize we're right at the point where I always think your fics are at their most brilliant- the Chlark throw-down. Whether it's physical or verbal, this is where you always truly fix things. This is where April makes all the crap of SV come together and make sense of why things went so off the rails.
This is where we get our reward.
I love where you even sum up how this is NOT your typical SV episode, folks:
"She backed away. “Don’t start that. We’re not ending this with a hug. It’s not that simple."
I want to hug that line and buy it a cookie. Brilliant!
And I don't even care if the issues are similar to HWGH (my precious!), because the issues were so craptastically handled by SV that they can use all the explanation they can get. Work away! :-)
Excellent job as always, April! I'm off to the next chapter! *skips off happily*
J Bridger said...
Clark sighed across the table “Then I don’t know what you want. I don't know how to fight with you. I feel like, whenever we've gotten mad at each other, we avoid each other.” He shrugged. “Then something horrible happens and then we just... we take care of it and... hug at the end.”
TRUER WORDS
I know! I remember all through season nine, just waiting for Chlark to talk like people and it never happened!
Chapter 21:
m said...
Yay, it finally happened. This was a really good chapter, and the sex scene was hot. I am so happy that Chloe and Clark have now shared everything with each other, including sex. And just so you know, I appreciate that you respond to my comments.
Thank you
Once again, I saw SMUT! and dashed over to feast my eyes. And My Zod, what a feast it was! I think that has to be some of the hottest smut I've ever read. I really adore the fact that Clark researched ways he could pleasure Chloe without hurting her, even if it meant getting none himself. Really sweet.
Awesome chapter, April! I'll read this from the beginning one day, I promise I will! :-D You naughty thing! No more smut for you!
LOL, I think my headcanon always has Clark on the generous side in bed (even on RedK, though that's probably more about pride than actually giving a crap). No rush on reading the whole thing. I know how it feels to get so busy writing you have about NO time to read! I still have one of yours on my to-read list for as soon as I finish Dawn's CYRMM. Can't wait to get there. Anonymous said...
YES, YES, YES!! ;) I think Chloe felt the same way. ;)
I was all set to write some intelligent commentary on the first section discussing the events of S8 - I really enjoyed the 'was it Brainiac' debate - but guh! The smut short circuited my brain. No more words! Heh. Smut'll do that to a person. LOL
laurelnola-
Eeee! Brilliant!!!
My favorite parts:
Alright, I know you weren't going for comedy with this line, but when I read this:
"Why would he want to do half the things he did? [snip] could have taken someone more powerful?"
All I could think was, "Because the people in charge of SV don't care if their show makes sense, retcons like a politician, or follows any kind of discernible continuity, as long as it looks Shiny!Iconic!, THAT'S why."
I remember, during season 8, reading spoilers on TWoP and thinking they were writing some cool-ass Brianiac long con that would explain all the above and then... I seriously don't know what happened with season 8. I felt like they were setting up something so interesting only to pay it off so miserably.
"He knew and he didn’t think any less of her. He didn’t even think it was her. Maybe if he believed it, she could."
Even though this was such a small couple of lines, they said so much. In fact, they said everything about what I love about Chlark. They try to be the person the other sees them as. They're so *defined* by one another. Clark believes in himself because Chloe believes in him. Without her, Superman doesn't exist. And she's the same with him. I love how you show how utterly intertwined their souls are!
I remember Davis saying to Chloe in that dream sequence something like "Without you, the man I want to be doesn't exist" and thinking it applied so much more to Chlark with all they've been through together. Just being in each other's lives has made each strive to be more, IMO.
Just seeing Clark in his happy after-glow, and his typical "we can take on anything" attitude when it comes to Chloe was delightful to behold. It reminds me of him swinging the pitchfork in the barn after asking Chloe to the dance- his happiness and confidence just makes me smile.
Aw! That scene! I will go so far as to say that little pitchfork dance was the giddiest we've ever seen Clark on the show.
Awwww! Clark bought baby things for her! And again, this is one of those things that I really adore about Clark. I can actually see him being an adoptive daddy so easily, since he knows first hand that genetics is not a prerequisite for parental love.
Oh, definitely. I remember feeling challenged at the idea of getting Chlark to a happy, coupled end when I started this fic. Now I'm not saying we're there, but if any man could love and nurture a child that wasn't his own, Clark could. He's been on the other side of it.
I actually still feel badly for poor Davis, stuck with his tomato plants and third-wheel status. I have no idea where you're going to take everyone, but I know it will be a great ride, whatever you decide to do.
Fantastic chapter, April!
I know there's some turns before the end, but I know where I'm going and hoping it will be satisfying for all. So glad you enjoyed! :)
J Bridger said...
I'd have more to say but the rattle part of the scene killed me dead in sad face :(
I confess, I got a little teary writing it. :(
Also, I thought Tess kicked MAJOR ASS in this chapter. Just shove it Lex. Take the mind games and the bullshit and suck on the fact you ARE every bit as bad and as weak as Lionel.
Tess was definitely over Lex's games in this one.
And yes. I do believe Gabe is getting some. :)
Chapter Eighteen:
J Bridger said...I like the Bart kissing game, poor John and Oliver. Also the Bart-Dinah 1-2 punch is great teamwork.
I love Bart and Dinah having appointed themselves to Chloe's cheer-up squad. :)
As for Tess, I really do want her to find some way to escape Lex's control before the end. I'm working on it.
Chapter Nineteen:
J Bridger said...
Bart continues to be the cutest and most immature guy ever.
Flirting Clark is cute and funnier than the mopey version. NOt really any more effective or suave but still cute.
Mrs. Rochester is upstairs ;)
LOL. It is a bit Jane-Eyre-ian. Does that make Oliver Grace Poole? He's the one everyone's always saying is up there.
Flirty Clark is definitely more fun to write than mopey Clark, that's for damned sure. Also Bart. I always look for any excuse to put him in.
As for Tess, thanks so much. It's been nice having an opportunity to write her. She's definitely floating from side to side right now. We'll see where she lands in the end.
Chapter 20:
laurelnola (who doesn't have a google account anymore!)
- Okay, so I'm reading this story in the weirdest way possible. I read the first chapter, and loved it, but was having computer problems and couldn't comment. I figured since I couldn't comment, I shouldn't read. And now that my computer works again it coincides with the arrival of the infamous nooky chapter. So, erm, I just skipped right to that one, or at least this chapter leading up to it. Sorry! I'm only human!
Suffice it to say, though, I realize we're right at the point where I always think your fics are at their most brilliant- the Chlark throw-down. Whether it's physical or verbal, this is where you always truly fix things. This is where April makes all the crap of SV come together and make sense of why things went so off the rails.
This is where we get our reward.
I love where you even sum up how this is NOT your typical SV episode, folks:
"She backed away. “Don’t start that. We’re not ending this with a hug. It’s not that simple."
I want to hug that line and buy it a cookie. Brilliant!
And I don't even care if the issues are similar to HWGH (my precious!), because the issues were so craptastically handled by SV that they can use all the explanation they can get. Work away! :-)
Excellent job as always, April! I'm off to the next chapter! *skips off happily*
TRUER WORDS
Chapter 21:
Thank you
LOL. Just glad people know I respond. I never know for sure, the way blogger has things set up.
I definitely didn't want them doing anything naughty before they hashed through last year. Even if both Chloe and Clark are keeping Davis' location from each other (that will be addressed a bit in the next on Chloe's end), they're on more even and honest ground than before.
babydee1 said...
Awesome chapter, April! I'll read this from the beginning one day, I promise I will! :-D
jlvsclrk said...
Eeee! Brilliant!!!
My favorite parts:
Alright, I know you weren't going for comedy with this line, but when I read this:
"Why would he want to do half the things he did? [snip] could have taken someone more powerful?"
All I could think was, "Because the people in charge of SV don't care if their show makes sense, retcons like a politician, or follows any kind of discernible continuity, as long as it looks Shiny!Iconic!, THAT'S why."
I remember, during season 8, reading spoilers on TWoP and thinking they were writing some cool-ass Brianiac long con that would explain all the above and then... I seriously don't know what happened with season 8. I felt like they were setting up something so interesting only to pay it off so miserably.
"He knew and he didn’t think any less of her. He didn’t even think it was her. Maybe if he believed it, she could."
Even though this was such a small couple of lines, they said so much. In fact, they said everything about what I love about Chlark. They try to be the person the other sees them as. They're so *defined* by one another. Clark believes in himself because Chloe believes in him. Without her, Superman doesn't exist. And she's the same with him. I love how you show how utterly intertwined their souls are!
I remember Davis saying to Chloe in that dream sequence something like "Without you, the man I want to be doesn't exist" and thinking it applied so much more to Chlark with all they've been through together. Just being in each other's lives has made each strive to be more, IMO.
Just seeing Clark in his happy after-glow, and his typical "we can take on anything" attitude when it comes to Chloe was delightful to behold. It reminds me of him swinging the pitchfork in the barn after asking Chloe to the dance- his happiness and confidence just makes me smile.
Aw! That scene! I will go so far as to say that little pitchfork dance was the giddiest we've ever seen Clark on the show.
Awwww! Clark bought baby things for her! And again, this is one of those things that I really adore about Clark. I can actually see him being an adoptive daddy so easily, since he knows first hand that genetics is not a prerequisite for parental love.
Oh, definitely. I remember feeling challenged at the idea of getting Chlark to a happy, coupled end when I started this fic. Now I'm not saying we're there, but if any man could love and nurture a child that wasn't his own, Clark could. He's been on the other side of it.
I actually still feel badly for poor Davis, stuck with his tomato plants and third-wheel status. I have no idea where you're going to take everyone, but I know it will be a great ride, whatever you decide to do.
Fantastic chapter, April!
I know there's some turns before the end, but I know where I'm going and hoping it will be satisfying for all. So glad you enjoyed! :)
J Bridger said...
I confess, I got a little teary writing it. :(
3 comments:
Thank you so much for the new update. I really enjoyed Davis & Chloe's conversation, and can't wait for the next chapter.
Love the update, Thanks!
Thanks so much, you guys!
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